my husband's hands turn into fathers

 
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lightandsound
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 27, 2009 7:28 pm    Post subject: my husband's hands turn into fathers Reply with quote

Thankfully it does not happen much, but I feel embarrassed when I look at his hands, then see fathers and that freaks me out! I have not told my husband this because he has to put up with so much.

Has this happened to anyone else?
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Terri
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 03, 2009 8:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think that is common for survivors ... transference .... especially those whose abusers were family members or those perverting love and affection. Challenging distortion to sift through. A journey I have not made in that context. Not my background ... non-family CSA perp - sexual violence fetish.

****MT**** But, 6 years ago I was running trails, and another runner attacked me from behind. Hit me over the head, raped me face down. I only saw his hands, forearms, inner wrists ....****MT****

For a long time I noticed when ever my partner was pressing for sex, and I did not want too, but was compliant ... I would see the rapist's arms. Any type of perceived force, dominant behavior towards me or subtle expected gratifications from me would trigger it ...... moments I felt the fear or reality of being used.

Do these moments have a pattern for you? Or more random?

Terri
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lightandsound
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 04, 2009 2:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Terri, now that you mention it, yes, when my husband wants his "oats", but don't - yet do - eventually - that is usually when I see father's hand! No wander, eh? So it is called: transference. Interesting!

I find that instead of taking to drugs or drink, I take to finding out as much information as I can on this subject.

Just a side note: I am not condemning those that do turn to drink or drugs. I just seemed, at the time, to turn to sleep, which has been my "drug" for as long as I can remember.

Many thanks, Terri, for replying!

Your understand fellow survivor, Suzanne
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Terri
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 04, 2009 7:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, Suzanne ... transference is what I call it, clinical psychology may have another term. ;o)

Excellent you study up, we share that trait ... used to be guilty of overer-intellectualizing. At an early age I realized tears resolved nothing, but information was power! Tried to outwit my abuser. A few years ago if I had a dollar for every time Ivonne, Steve or my therapist told me to "just feel it," I would be a millionaire ...

Sleep ... alluring. Never mastered the ability to shutdown the mental chaos long enough - always ended in a UFC bout with Mr. Sheets and one of us landing on the floor, typically me. Dangling off the bed with my ankle wrapped in a cotton-thread noose was hard on the ego. Over-exercise, my main gig.

Be well ...

Terri
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Marmor
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PostPosted: Mon May 03, 2010 9:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would consider that normal, but, then again, I may be, 'um, 'er, 'um, kind of nuts...

But seriously, in anything, the same action, or the same thing will remind you of something, or someone. If someone serves you your grandma's famous apple pie recipe, will that remind you of grandma? In the same way, a hand in THAT place, like that can be a trigger.
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pellegrino
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 08, 2010 9:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I experience something similar when the lights are off or when my husband plays with me while laying next to me. I couldn't figure out why it bothered me so much to have him next to me like that, trying to "rub" me in my area, and I understand now that it's because I was often abused that way. My abuser covered me with blankets when he wanted to get off and he'd sit next to me sometimes with his hand in my pants.

I don't like the lights off because my imagination fills in the face and it isn't my husbands. We use dim lighting now and if he wants to touch me while sitting next to me we have to kiss and talk to each other too, to remind me it's him and not my abuser.

I have actually heard the name thing a lot. Saying your partners name often during intimacy reinforces that it IS your partner and not someone else.
Also, I would not buckle under pressure to have sex. Abuse or no abuse, no man should guilt his lady into intercourse. It is insensitve and manipulative.

If he has an issue with this just remind him of what if feels like when you presure him to get that lawn mowed, or to help with daily chores!

NO ONE likes being guilted into doing something they don't feel like doing, sex is no different.
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suz
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 10:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Terri and Suzanne, where do you find information on these subjects? I find that I experience a lot of weird things that I'm not sue are normal. I've tied googling but I'm still confused. Things like transfence never even came up in my search.
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