Mid term for English
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    S&F's Forum Index -> General Issues
View previous topic :: View next topic  

Do you think it's an A?
yes, that's fantastic
50%
 50%  [ 1 ]
almost, there are a few changes you could make
50%
 50%  [ 1 ]
no, that is horrible
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
Total Votes : 2

Author Message
Rosie
Posting Freak
Posting Freak


Joined: 30 Aug 2006
Posts: 7058

PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 7:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

oh...well where r the comma things? i'll die if i screw that up...we just got done with a comma unit....teacher wont be too impressed with that.
_________________
http://tashabauer.daportfolio.com/

Almost scary isn't it?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Iam
Posting Freak
Posting Freak


Joined: 12 Jun 2006
Posts: 1005

PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 7:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

behind the door(take out comma) a bookshelf sits,
that is one. And in the passage about the books there is an extra one, I think. Oh and about the plaque thing....it says on the door there is a purple and golden plaque....it should be purple and gold, golden is a description, not a color. I should probably not be doing this right now, my head feels like it's encased in bubble wrap right now, I am having trouble concentrating.
_________________
Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Iam
Posting Freak
Posting Freak


Joined: 12 Jun 2006
Posts: 1005

PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 7:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

and I used too many commas too, lol. Ignore me, you probably have it right.
_________________
Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Rosie
Posting Freak
Posting Freak


Joined: 30 Aug 2006
Posts: 7058

PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 7:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing u're a goof...so...if ur head is covered in bubble rap...can i pop the little bubbles?
_________________
http://tashabauer.daportfolio.com/

Almost scary isn't it?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
ivonne
Posting Freak
Posting Freak


Joined: 09 Jun 2004
Posts: 5874
Location: the netherlands

PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 7:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Iam, it's a great piece of work. I also agree with you, not liking the "me's and my's" I think if you can work around that, make it less personal that would make the sense of estrangement that the way you tell about it even stronger.

Agreed on the chamber... solitude is good... I think just the single word is cool...

The ending, it might be better if instead of saying that it's always locked... Well... I kind of liked the first ending: If you would have called... it would still have been locked... this is MY room... kind of thing

Like after seeing it in all it's intimate detail, you're leaving the visitor outside the door...

Ivonne
_________________
We don’t see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
–-Anaîs Nin
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
Rosie
Posting Freak
Posting Freak


Joined: 30 Aug 2006
Posts: 7058

PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 7:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

how do i get rid of the me's and my's? it's gonna drive me nutty...and the ending i dont like either...hmmm........

*busts out laughing*

A writer who can't write!! Laughing
_________________
http://tashabauer.daportfolio.com/

Almost scary isn't it?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Rosie
Posting Freak
Posting Freak


Joined: 30 Aug 2006
Posts: 7058

PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 7:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

how about this?





With a sweet and sour mixture of Tori Amos’ voice and the smell of Lemon, there is a door. A purple and gold plaque says what’s behind the door. As you near the door, another voice reaches your ears. The voice is singing sweetly with amazing skill. What wonders lie behind the door?

Behind the door a book shelf sits, holding adventures. Harper Lee is leaning, with a flirty posture, against James Patterson. Stephen King sticks out among John Grisham. Small stuffed animals hold the books up as they are scattered around.

Elephants and bears snooze among a jungle of pillows. Guitar fingerings lay on a poster above the jungle filled chair. A gift is tucked away behind it. The dresser leads to a night stand a man made his daughter years ago. A fat elephant is tucked inside covering more notebooks and loose papers with writings and verses on them. A game cube rests on top of a playstation.

After the night stand, is a bed. The knitted blanket lies soundly over the sheets. The blanket is from and elderly woman, with love in every inch, making it special beyond anything anyone could possess. With a mixture of blue and purple colors, it adds a bit of the girl to her bed that was previously chosen by her mother.

Below the window, a white cabinet has plopped itself down. Inside the closed doors, lay notebooks of poems, songs, and stories. Forgotten memories written to be explored on a day the clouds decide to weep. The stereo has tackled the cabinet and stays resting on top. A picture of a dance lays tucked between the speaker and CD holder. With a smile on the faces, it produces a great memory of happiness.

The camera angle shifts exposing the guitar in the corner. Standing proudly, it shines and brags at the whole room. How brave it is to be so close to the land of unknown mysteries. The closet door holds pictures of a monkey and elephant. These were composed by the hand of a thirteen-year-old. The desk sits heavily next to the closet. Papers are thrown about. Bits of stories are scattered with CDs on top of them and pencils falling off the desk onto the floor.

Above the desk is a bulletin board. Pictures of a mother and daughter are surrounded by pictures of the girl in her younger years. CD holders trap the board in. The band of music holds in the board. If it escaped, all the memories would be lost.

Sticking just above the horizon of the desk, you can see the top of a black music stand. Music is set on it and is held up by a silver instrument. The flute fell into her hands from her mother. It's very special and dear to her for that reason and that reason alone. Being given a gift of music is the best thing one could receive.

The plaque reads “Solitude”. Entry is forbidden, for the mysteries that lie inside are not to be seen.




someone help me with that ending...it's killin me... Confused
_________________
http://tashabauer.daportfolio.com/

Almost scary isn't it?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
ivonne
Posting Freak
Posting Freak


Joined: 09 Jun 2004
Posts: 5874
Location: the netherlands

PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 7:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Love what you did to it, with the editing of the me's and my's

...the ending... I don't know, it's too distant now... I think because of the distance in the story, something really in your face and personal would make the description more stark, add strenght to the piece that comes before:

"you can't enter, you're not invited" or something rude and in your face like that...

Ivonne
_________________
We don’t see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
–-Anaîs Nin
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
Rosie
Posting Freak
Posting Freak


Joined: 30 Aug 2006
Posts: 7058

PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 7:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing bet ya I can come up with something if i ask Flame....she's the master of rude!!! Laughing Laughing

why am i so giggly today? oh yeah...one way to cheer me up, make me drink pop and eat a little candy right after i wake up. Laughing
_________________
http://tashabauer.daportfolio.com/

Almost scary isn't it?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Rosie
Posting Freak
Posting Freak


Joined: 30 Aug 2006
Posts: 7058

PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 7:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

do ya think that something i might say to my brother would work? not rude rude and leaving all the abuse stuff out...but a harsh way of saying stay out? Confused
_________________
http://tashabauer.daportfolio.com/

Almost scary isn't it?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    S&F's Forum Index -> General Issues All times are GMT + 4 Hours
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3  Next
Page 2 of 3

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group