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it happend when i was 13..

 
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marly bob
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 5:49 pm    Post subject: it happend when i was 13.. Reply with quote

it's was an afternoon i was so bored at home i decided to go outside in the neighboorhood the wether is very hot thers nobody around understandably no body could've tolerate the sun while i was walking near this house of a trusted frend i noticed him standing in front of his window looking at me he opens it up and he ascked me to come play with him on the roof i refused at first i said i gotta get to home my parents needs me ( i have always come up with this excuse whenever i dont feel like going outside mty house)he insisted he claimed that he's so bored he convinced me , i got inside his home tho i was hesitant and feeling uncomfortable cus he was older than me i have never hang out with him b4 as real frend i hardly knew him so anyways i find him at the entrance door he invited me inside in the living room i said"aren't u going to play on the roof" he said yeah yeah we're just gonna hang out watch tv little bit.. i knew something 's wrong that same gut feeling i had when he waved at me from his house window i know he was pretanding that it's a casual get to gether between frends i didnt want him to get suspicouse of my awerness of his distructive intention fearing that he will get angry and uses his force and violence he turned on the tv and put porn channel and he keeps saying have a seat he start rubbing him self he ascked if i wanted to masturbate with him i said no and i kept saying my parents needs me i gotta go while in my head iwas thinking "boy are you crazy? i what he's doing is disgusting how do i get the hell out of here ?! without him getting suspicouse plz God help me !i kept insisting that i want to go home and he kept saying wait for a little while and i started to realy panick i couldnt hide it anymore i couldnt play the game anymore i sort of yelled i"m leaving bye!" and suddenly he jumped from his couch and rushed to block my way to the door and he locks it. iIm having a panick attacknow i started crying and yelling and begging him "plz let me let me go home plz plz i begg you !" and he responding no not untill you masturbate infront of me !" my anxiety and panick completly overwhelmed me i'm having emotions of helplessness i feel so sadness and guilt angry comfused in my head i keep i saying " why did i get in his house ? why did i do that to my self ? he had planed the whole thing from the begining !what's gonna happen to me? .God no! plz "all of this while i'm crying and screaming . he says keeps your voice down shh ...and i obey and now i say in a very quiet voice plz i begg you i wont tell anyone just plz let me out i begg you i begg you !in every chance he tries to get close to me i start to scream and cry more and more ..eventualy after like 10 mins ...he gave up and and he let me out while he was trying to unlock the door and i remember me being so anxiouse to finaly escape i never forget the words he said as i was getting out " i only wanted to test you if u were realy a man it turned out that you are! but a cryer tho ! i got outside crying ashamed lost , and completly incoherent and just hoping for one more thing "plz God dont let anyone i know find out about this" Ultimetly this whole incident happend in less than 15 min tho the most intense 15 min i have ever experienced in my life. This happned 8 years ago ever sins i have strugglling with low self esteem ,panick attacks ,depression and not attempting to have anything i want in this life basically i perceive my self as inferior i expect nothing in any relation ship and therfore deserve nothing in return i'm so affraid of intimacy i'm also homophobic all this issues i had for 8 years i had never associated them with the event it self the causes of all my life struggles was anything but that incident i was indenial but not untill a month ago.. my reasoning was he didnt touch me so i'm suppose to be fine the incident couldnt have affect me period .now this my experience and i know i'm prbobely one of the very few people who 's lucky enough to escape from an attempted rape but the lasting affect are still ther wether he touched you or not i'm telling you that i have been suffering all my life i dont think that i can never take away my pain .
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