my 2 sons

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Joined: 19 Nov 2012
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 19, 2012 7:23 pm    Post subject: my 2 sons Reply with quote

I am new to this, but seeking help in helping my sons. I found out recently that my eldest son (now 28 and in prison), molested my younger son (now 22), for about 3 years beginning when they were 6 and 11. Although I know this isn't and shouldn't be about me, I am feeling crippled by guilt for not having seen what was happening. How can I move past this so I can help them? How can I let go of the anger I feel towards the elder brother and help him, too? Is it likely he was also abused if he did this at such a young age? Thanks for giving me a place to talk.
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Posting Freak
Posting Freak

Joined: 09 Jun 2004
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Location: the netherlands

PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2013 8:26 pm    Post subject: tough Reply with quote

Hi theirmom,

Wow, that sounds like a tough situation to encounter. I must congratulate you on your willingness to help both your sons, even if you are experiencing anger towards the elder one.

First of all, it's possible that your elder child has been abused but by no means certain. The best way to find out would be to talk to your son.

I hope you understand that you have every right to be angry and perhaps showing your younger son the fact that you are angry could be healing for him. You probably know him best in regard to that.

My advise, though broad, would be to spend more time listening to your boys than talking. It's good that you're seeking help. navigating these waters can be a daunting task and seeking out help is a good step for you. Take care of yourself is step one. Only if you are allright and have sorted out how to respond to this can you be of any assistence to your boys.

Are they open to your help?

We dont see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
-Anas Nin
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Junior Member
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Joined: 04 Oct 2009
Posts: 27

PostPosted: Sun Mar 10, 2013 9:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi theirmom,

One of my perps was my brother, and he will always be a perp to me. I can't tell you what it was like for my mom, only that I wish she had felt some protective qualities toward me when she found out.

My brother - and the family dynamics - made me understand, even at seven, that I was to keep it a secret at all costs. Lie to everyone, deny, deny, deny. I did. I don't know, short of a lie detector test, how my mom could have found out. She has guilt in the dynamics, in keeping the status quo that made the abuse possible, but as to the actual incest, she could not have known.

I would have appreciated her ownership of what she owned. She SHOULD have been angry with my brother. It would have been nice to have been affirmed in that I had a cause to "hate" him, and express it. Maybe we could have moved through that bitterness, instead of leaving it to rot our relationship. Instead, she made excuses for his behavior, such as his abuse, and blamed me for not telling her sooner.

This I can promise you: If you deal with these events honestly, seek professional help, read all you can, you will not always feel the desperation you do now. Healing is possible, but it is not a destination, it is a journey. A part of healing is grief, and all of its stages. You can move in and out of the stages incongruously, and with the incongruity you will start to build a new understanding of yourself and your sons.

No one has all the answers, and it is a very personal journey. Sexual abuse has touched your life, and you are a secondary victim. You can survive this, and I hope you continue to ask questions and find answers.

Be gentle with yourself.

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