Need some guidance

 
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wnt2lvkj
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 08, 2012 5:37 am    Post subject: Need some guidance Reply with quote

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site and stumbled upon it looking for help from others that are in relationships with loved ones that were sexually abused when they were children.
I am facing a lot of struggles, having thoughts of leaving my girlfriend, and losing it in general.

Any and all replies would be greatly appreciated.

A little history ... My girlfriend and I are both in our early 40s, both previously married, no kids, and have been in a stable, committed relationship for a little over six months.
Our intimate life has never been up to par, and this has always been an issue for me. In past relationships, my partner and I were intimate at least daily, if not every other day, sometimes more than once or twice a day. My past partners initiated intimacy, did extra when they were unable to perform due to their monthly visitor, etc.

My current girlfriend is a therapist and not only have I learned a ton from her, but we are able to openly communicate about anything and everything, and she is very understanding. I have shared a lot with her, including my struggles around our intimate life.
For five months, she has made excuses as to why our intimate life has not been as I would like, or even remotely close. She has made what ended up to be empty promises, in order to squash a conversation, and in the end, I always feel disappointed.

About a month ago, she broke down, started crying, and told me that she was sexually abused when she was young. I was very heartbroken and very compassionate. This totally changed my whole perspective on things. She did not give details, but she has shared quite a bit and we have talked about what she is feeling, what she felt at the time, etc. Since she told me, I have never pressured her into talking about the events and I never will. At the time, and a couple of times since, I have asked her what she needed from me, and she has said patience and understanding.

Over the past six months, she has shared with me her past as in who she has dated, when they dated, what their relationships were like and it all seems quite normal. She has mentioned how she was promiscuous in her early 20s and when she was intimate, her and the person that she was with at the time, "always went at it like rabbits." But, we have had issues with intimacy from day one. Having sex, maybe once a week to twice a month. I ask myself, and have asked her, if she was so comfortable in the past and this was never an issue, why is it now an issue and why is she just now facing this demon and it is causing all of this stress for us?

Since she has told me and we spend the night together, at night, we will make out, get pretty hot and heavy, but then all of the sudden stop. Leaving each other just hanging there with all of these feelings and desires left unattended to. It is these times where nothing happens that bring up the most resentment and anger within me. Thoughts of, "well, if she really wanted to make me happy, keep me happy, or work on this, she would perform x, y, and z instead of just stopping." She says that she feels the disappointment and is sorry that she cannot follow through.

She told me at the time that she has never shared this with any one. Being a therapist, she sees a therapist as well, and told me last week that she just broke this news to her therapist last week. I am not sure what to take from the following comment, but she mentioned that her therapist said that she may not be "mature" enough for an intimate relationship at this time.

Where I am struggling with all of this daily is how do I not become so resentful and angry, but be more compassionate and caring? There are times that I seriously think that it would be best that we end our relationship and try to move on. But, I feel so guilty for thinking those things because I would feel like I would be abandoning her, and that would haunt me forever.
I have read in so many places that it is great that I am being patient, supportive, and the best that I can be for her, but I also need to think of myself and my needs. This is where I struggle, because both her and I know that my needs are not being met. I have placed my needs and desires on the back burner for this, and I feel that is what makes me resentful and angry.

I ask myself often, how much longer am I willing to go through this? What is the guarantee that things will be better when she works this all out and can be "stable" again? And, of course, how long will this take? I do not have the answers to any of these questions and it seems like an endless journey with no hope.

To me, at times, the questions above do not seem fair, if I truly love her and am willing to support her, these things should not matter. But, they do.


Thank you for all replies and all of your help and guidance!
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2012 2:20 am    Post subject: your feelings matter Reply with quote

Quote:
I ask myself often, how much longer am I willing to go through this? What is the guarantee that things will be better when she works this all out and can be "stable" again? And, of course, how long will this take? I do not have the answers to any of these questions and it seems like an endless journey with no hope.


You need to ask yourself:
What if it never changes? Can I love her as she is right now?
What if the situation as it is, is "stable" and normal for her?

Your feelings do matter and your needs aren't being met. It's wearing you down and eventually you will resent her for it. Perhaps you're allready there.
There are no guarantees that things will change or even if they change that it will be for the better. If you can live without guarantees, you have a shot.

good luck,
Ivonne
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We dont see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
-Anas Nin
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