I think I've had enough

Flyingwithgrace · Posting Freak Joined: 10 Mar 2009 Posts: 1073

Where do you draw the line? What makes quantity of life more important than quality? I really wish someone could tell me. I don't like to think of myself as a quitter but I am. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to wake up worse every day than the day before. I don't want to keep hurting people who care about me and who want to help but can't. I give up. Seriously, I can't keep living if this is all there is. It's not enough. My doctor tells me that he can keep me going for a while, maybe a year or more but if I'm going to have to spend it feeling like I've already died then what's the point? I'm tired, I'm sick and I just can't find it in me to care anymore. I'm done, I've had my share of crap and if this is all there is then I want no part of it. I've already lost everything that was important to me so tell me, what reason do I have for continuing with this life?

http://youtu.be/XQtAOuBjysc

Marcusaralius76 · Posted: Sat May 14, 2011 8:37 pm Post subject:

Codie, you told me yesterday that the new medication you were on was only going to make you sick for a little while before you get used to it and you start feeling better. So, give it more time, and you'll feel better. What do you have to live for still? We still want to talk to you, we still care for you. So, stay with us! Plus, are there any avenues you haven't looked into yet? like liver research groups, private drug companies, anything like that? Keep yourself alive so you can enjoy a job you always tell us you love so much, so you can still experience new things. If you have a year left, make it a year worth living.

Tasha · Junior Member Joined: 03 Mar 2011 Posts: 90

Have you ever watched a movie where someone is deathly ill and they feel sad and like they wanna give up? In the movie, they smile sometime and feel loved. They feel happy and die in peace. Movies like that make me cry but it can happen. Quantity is only more important if that's what you choose. Quality sometimes decides that. I love you Codie. Always have. I idolize you and I know what you'll say to that but that's OK. I still love you. You can choose. Its up to you but we love you.
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The best thing about silence, I can leave as quietly as I came.

Flyingwithgrace · Posting Freak Joined: 10 Mar 2009 Posts: 1073

I understand what you're trying to say Mark but that's gone too. I can't work now. Not because I'm a risk to the clients but because they are a risk to me. I am extremely susceptible to infection right now. Not that it really matters anyway. It's easy for you to say stick around and live but you don't really know how I feel. You can't. People have always told me, keep going, keep fighting it will get better. And guess what? It did. Just long enough for me to see what could have been and now it's being taken away again. Malia tells me that we never really die, that we are just reborn into a new body so we have a chance to fix the mistakes we made in this life. I don't know what I believe but if I have to keep living this kind of life I don't want to be reborn. I'm sorry, I know you are probably really tired of all of this and I still want you to move on and forget about me. It's better for you.

Tasha, you are my sister and my twin by choice. I couldn't love you more if we were born from the same womb. I know we've had issues and I'm sorry I haven't been there for you. But I do love you. Never forget that, ok?

I'm going to stop posting online. I don't want to upset people I really don't. So I will just fade away and you can hopefully remember me with a smile.

Marcusaralius76 · Posted: Sat May 14, 2011 9:10 pm Post subject:

Codie, keep living not because you have to, but because you have at least a year to do something great, something exciting. Once the medicine stops on it's current track, you'll feel better, and you have money in the bank to spend on stuff, don't you? So find something you enjoy and have a little fun! just wait until the medicine stops making you feel like this. You're right, I can't know how you feel right now, but I still want you to try to keep for a bit longer.

I love you, and I never will forget you. I'll always remember you as my one true love. I told you before that I wanted to write a book about you. Well, I will, and everyone will remember you. Hell, I'll have you tattooed to me just so I never forget. I love you, and I don't want you to go yet.

Flyingwithgrace · Posting Freak Joined: 10 Mar 2009 Posts: 1073

A year is a maybe. If nothing else goes wrong and the new medication actually works. I don't even know if it will. I just don't understand why I was even born, someone must have needed a whipping boy pretty badly. You have been my life for a very long time. I just don't want you to have to deal with this anymore, don't you understand? I love you and I want you to have everything you deserve and more. I am just so incredibly depressed right now that nothing makes any sense and nothing feels like it should. I don't want to hurt you, I never want to hurt you. I just feel the way I feel and I can't help it.

Marcusaralius76 · Posted: Sat May 14, 2011 9:27 pm Post subject:

Well, do what you can with what time you have left. Codie, from my own beliefs, you were born because, through hardship, you were able to appreciate the little things you got in life. Most girls would never appreciate me sticking with them, but you were able to, more than any other girl. Most people would never appreciate a gift, but you love them every time I send you a letter or a note. I feel proud, knowing that I was able to make such an impression on such a great person. I love you. Codie, I don't deal with this because I have to, I deal with all of this because I want to. You will always be my friend, Codie. Even after you pass, I'll still visit you because I want to see you. I love you, and I want you to feel better. Codie, trust me, I will get everything I deserve in time, but right now, I feel that I deserve you. I love you, and I want you to do something for me: take a nap sitting up, so you don't puke, relax a bit, look up something funny online, anything to make youself feel better. I have work today, but I want to talk to you tonight, ok? I love you, and I want you to feel better.

Flyingwithgrace · Posting Freak Joined: 10 Mar 2009 Posts: 1073

You are my heart. My love. My joy. I'll try to do what you say. I'll try to be online tonight too.

Marcusaralius76 · Posted: Sat May 14, 2011 9:31 pm Post subject:

I love you COdie, and I'm glad I can help. I'll be on tonight, my love.

"Empty Heart" · Posted: Sat May 14, 2011 11:53 pm Post subject:

Codie,

Noone knows what your going threw...noone can understand the pain and everything that your feeling. I do understand ........ believe me I know. For me its been at least 6 months or more and the meds make you sick, feel like giving up and feeling like its not even worth living anymore. You are loved by so many people, they care about you thats all you have to look forward to. Hang in there Codie, your alot stronger then you think, wake up every morning and just look at that day and be thankful that you woke up.

Codie, I am sorry this is happening to you......you are in my thoughts.
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Behind this innocent smile of mine, lay words left unsaid. Words of longing, love, anger, and hate, all repeated inside my head.

lynn-1963@live.com

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