I Don't Want To Survive

[Tasha]

My tshirts are stained and have holes in them, my shoe strings are hardly there at all, the sole of my shoes has nearly been worn smooth, my car hasn't had an oil change in so long that it's ridiculous, my hair is growing long and wild, my socks are so thin that they might as well not be there, my glasses have a stripped screw that I have to try and tighten every day, and my last pair of jeans are about to wear so thin that there will be patches of skin revealed. My nook hasn't been turned on in months, my books haven't been opened in nearly a year, my new legos are gathering dust, my model ship hasn't been opened, my story hasn't been opened in three months, my food lays on my desk uneaten, and my cup is sitting dirty. My new canon camera is still in the box, my phone just sits plugged in by my bed, my tv gets turned on every night but I don't bother to watch anything, and there is a partially written speech on my desk for my sister's wedding. All of my new soap is still sitting here, i shower with just water. My hair straightener is beyond useless and my hair dryer keeps my hamster from running over my vent. There is a letter on my bed telling me that I lost my scholarship because my GPA was 2.0, my work boots are the only shoes that don't hurt, and my tears are dripping everywhere because I don't care to wipe them off. Why?
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The best thing about silence, I can leave as quietly as I came.

[suz]

I relate a lot. I've watched my world fall apart and be out of my control due to poverty, illness and pschological factors. At first I thought the reason things were going like that for you was due to poverty, but as I read on, it seemed like you could afford things but were not able to follow through with actions to do anything about it (at least that was my thoughts when I read the part about the new camera). So rather, it appeared you were in a state of paralysis in some way. I can definitely understand what you're saying if you experience paralysis in the same way as me, although I could not tell from your description.