I'm Cracking
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 9:02 am    Post subject: I'm Cracking Reply with quote

I don't know what I am holding inside. I don't know. I know that something is so dangerously close to coming out that I'm completely sucking everything in. I know it is coming becuase I will be driving with headphones in, singing until my voice is gone. I know it is coming because I can't feel anything. I'm going to have a big breakdown. i'm going to cry one of those cries where you go for hours and it's such a cry that it'll break your heart. I'm sticking close to myself and the moments of happiness that i can find here.

I try to forget everything. I'm reaching out to family. My father refuses to let me see people who have done no wrong to me. I don't feel like I have control over my life. It feels like I am doing everything everyone wants me to do. It's like I dont want anything for me. At work I space out so much that I will be done with an order, an hour or so gone, and i won't have a clue where it went. It's like my world is just....gone. I'm a zombie. I'm walking through,doing what I have to do not feeling a thing.

I think I need help.
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Flyingwithgrace
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 6:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you need help then find it Rosie. Please. You are one of the strongest people I know and to see you this close to giving in to the dark is scary. I know that you have people who you can call, I know Taubah would help you. And I would do anything I could too. Talk to us. Tell us what we can do for you. We love you Rosie and we are always here for you. I won't leave you when you need me, I promise.
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Marcusaralius76
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 6:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rosie, if you end up losing it, and have an emotional breakdown, make sure you're around a friend you know you can cry on the shoulder of. If your father doesn't want you to, then don't tell him. If you need a friend close by, then go and get one close.

You helped Codie get her life back, you cheered up Charles after he cried for a few days, and I can guess, you've helped everyone else on this site through their hard times. So, talk to us, let us help you. It's the least we can do for a god friend.
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Flyingwithgrace
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 7:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rosie, I know how it feels to do whatever people want you to do, it makes things less complicated. It's easier to just go with it instead of doing what YOU want to do. I understand, I really do. I do the same thing. The think is, you can't do that forever. None of us can. We have to do things that are right for us, not because someone says they are but because we KNOW that they are. You and I are a lot alike sis, we are so used to doing what we are told to do that we forget sometimes that we don't have to anymore. We are not little kids.

I do know what it's like for you. I know that your mom and dad don't listen to you and that you struggle to live in that house with them. But it won't be forever. Someday you and I will do what we have always talked about, we'll find a place and we will take care of each other. Don't give up Rosie. You're better than that. I read this post and it broke my heart. I don't know what I can do for you other than just BE here. And I am. I'm here Rosie. And I will stay here for as long as you need me.

I found this song, it reminded me of myself but it reminds me of you too so I'm going to share the lyrics with you and I want you to pay special attention to the last verse. I mean it Rosie. You can do this. You've been through so much worse.

PERFECT
Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around

You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They dont like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You are perfect to me!

You are perfect to me Rosie. You always have been.
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 7:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

codie you made me cry. hon i'm far less than perfect. im' sorry that this broke your heart. hon, i'm always this close to the dark. you really dont needto worry this much until i reach out and take it's hand. *hug* i'm going to do what i need to do. and yes we will do what we've always talked about. but we are so adding that we are going to watch Sister Act and eat popcorn and have hot coco (mine frozen) to that list. *hug* god codie. this breakdown will come but i will be fine. i promise you. last time i cried for hours, it was with taubah, believe it or not. i dont know if she realizes just what that meant that i felt good enough to do that to her. i mean i felt like hell for making her sit there and listen to me cry for that long but that's the day i totally and completely trusted her. codie, i'd cry likethat in front of you in a heartbeat. you and taubah are my best friends. now i do have a couple other best friends but they arent my family. one of them calls me sis but its a different type. she hasnt reached where you and taubah have. anyways....i'm going to be ok. thank you for cheering me up again. i love you so much Codie. you mean the worldto me.


Hey mark. lil mister lurky pants. i suppose i've helped people. i'm not sure. i'll make sure i have someone that'll be here. it just gets methat one minute my father will scream and blame me for everything that has ever gone wrong in his life and blame me for every emotion he doesnt like that he feels and then five minutes later he'sin ehre telling me i'm special and he loves me and it hurt him to yell at me. well....what he doesnt understand i suppose is that someone like me....with...welll...ok....because i was abused, trust with men doesnt happen too often ore easily. once you violate the trust it's gone. you cant have it back. you lose it, get out of my life and you never existed. he's treaded so hard on my trust that itold him he lost it and he wont get it back. he said he'd try and blah blah but i told him if he even wanted to get to the point where he may possibly get a chance to try to earn my trust back, he had to stop the yelling #*$#. well, he hasnt. it breaks me down and i cant handle it. it just amazes me that hebelieves it's all ok.
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Taubah
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 9:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

Go into your room and sit and think about your life. And think of the things that you can change. You are an adult and you DO have control over your life, You just have to TAKE that control.

What can you change to help you.

Your mother and your father are grown. They can take care of their family.
You need to make some changes that do not involve if they will or will not approve.

Think of a time where you did NOT have to take care of your family, and i will tell you THAT was only a dream. You've spent your life taking care of everyone.

You are still doing the same thing. and You are expecting a different result.

Make a change lovey. Make a list of the things you can do to change your situation, and then we can go over it, and start making a plan to put them into action.

Time for change lovey.
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Parched. dry. i run-
across your soul.
the faceless me i chase,
voiceless and untold.
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 9:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

can i start by not going to work today?
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Taubah
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 10:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

will you be in trouble if you don't work today? i mean with you boss?
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Parched. dry. i run-
across your soul.
the faceless me i chase,
voiceless and untold.
~Taubah
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 10:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

probably not no. i'll ell him i'm sore.
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 10:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i've had it. i'm done. #$$% all of this bullshit. i've had enough.
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