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Drama triangle and conflict in action

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Joined: 24 Oct 2010
Posts: 124

PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 6:14 am    Post subject: Drama triangle and conflict in action Reply with quote

I'm going to post my perceptions about our current conflict.

I was talking to one of the members about the drama triangle, and the lack of genuine... honestly. The three rolls are persecutor victim rescuer

This all started with me asking for her to give me a confirmation and some notice about "if we are going to be together".. by together, I mean nothing but in the same place at the same time. Just Knowing the day before, and since she bails on me. Some kind of "I'll be there at 7pm" in the afternoon.

It turned into meltdown... turned into "You are abandoning me" I'm the "persecutor" she is the "victim". I said, not abandoning you... I'm just not at your beck and call. I'm also sick of sitting around 2 days a week hoping she will show up. I could... have a life.

In the meltdown she said "You do things like pull away from me, and it makes me think you are abandoning me"
I said, "Sometimes I am pulling away from you... because you are being nasty or ugly or rude or Flaky etc... and the natural thing is to pull away."
She said " You can't do that "
I said "these are your issues... you need to work on them... I don't have abandonment issues... you do. You can deal with them. I'm not abandoning you. In fact... You abandon me... see I say 'come over' and you say ok... then you don't. You show up and spend like an hour with me... the take off for some crazy reason...." She abandons me.

My point here is that she is trying to dump her problem on me. Trying to argue that her issue is Mine... and that as a "Co-dependant" i should take it on. or that I should "Rescue her"...

I've delt with this for 7 months or so now. I've tried to deal with it in every way possible... I realized that she is just reliving things from her past. There is nothing I can do. But I also... Won't take it on as a problem... SINCE I DON"T HAVE IT... and CANT' DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Nor should I.

She hates this.. and has now spent a month trying to prove that I have abandonment issues.

So... she bailed on me all of Christmas. I said before that I understand, I won't be with her crazy family. but I would have liked some time... since in a relationship... one wants to be with one's girlfriend. I would also like to think that normal loving people would like to have some nice healthy sex.

After the weekend was over... I spend most of it with family and friends. She never wanted to do anything.

I emailed her last night. I missed you this weekend, I understand... what I don't understand is that... you don't seem to want to spend time with me. You never have wanted to see me more than once a week, you have never wanted or been able to stay the night. You now didn't want to spend any of christmas with me. Like i've said. You abandon me.

this morning I get a response....
"yes, that is what it is like to be abandoned.. you do have abandonment issues", from her.
I replied, "Not really, Because I think that people who are in love should at least try and spend Christmas together. You have never wanted to spend time with me, everything else is a larger priority, Someone who says come and get a hug at least once a week I would think you would take advantage of that, Sex has always been awkward... you say everything is fine, but it's not.

Now I have a Girlfriend, who wants sex once a week.. maybe, if she isn't tired and she didn't want to see me for Christmas. I don't have abandonment issues, I don't want to see someone who doesn't want to see me, treats me like crap, blames me for their problems. I hope she leaves me. I hope I never have to listen to her scream at me again. I hope to spend my next holiday with my girlfriend. I hope my girlfriend would actually show some love, instead of #*$# on me.

One of the "drama Triangle" links said "the rule in our family was Deny everything and talk fast".... I learned long ago that the arguments weren't rational and were un-solvable.. which is why the real issue seems to be the underlaying childhood things.
The point is to go around the Triangle... and to try and get some kind of emotional.. feedback.

all because... I wanted her to show up on time.

Instead of giving me this little bit... Little bit of common respect. It's all the poop. and none of it actually makes sense....

except that I was alone all of Christmas, and she had an open invitation. And she thinks that we have a relationship. I haven't seen her since the 11th of December
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Joined: 08 Dec 2003
Posts: 201

PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 6:28 pm    Post subject: Why? Reply with quote

So why are you in this relationship?

Is it really a relationship?

What do you get out of it?

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Joined: 24 Oct 2010
Posts: 124

PostPosted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 4:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

For the most part, Just as one steps into a relationship... I think one has to step out of it.

I've also been curious what would happen if I stopped enabling, and also disconnected from her problems.

It's been interesting to see how once I managed to cut through most of the nonsense, put it in Real terms "You can't show up" "You don't want to see me more than once a week" "you can't sleep in bed" "you seem to use sex as a weapon" "You abandon me, not me abandoning you."

Without me "playing" she ends up like a fish out of watter Flailing against her own ... issues.

There is so much cognitive dissonance and/or Disassociation... so many things that she says that are not true, and that she is just saying to manipulate me. Or hiding from herself.

I've been curious what parts of what she does and says are Genuine. To see "What I am getting out of this".

I felt fairly clear when I told her... "you don't want to spend time with me, nor do you love me."

right now she is in a Tailspin. I've stopped giving her anything but love and support.
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