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How should I handle this?

 
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tuognurts
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Joined: 20 Dec 2010
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 24, 2010 1:29 am    Post subject: How should I handle this? Reply with quote

So kind of in a continuance of my last post, my wife has been for the last 2 some months that she needs to figure some stuff out on her own. Things are going somewhat well between us - we have come a long, long way this last month or so, but I am at a point where I just want to shove a steak knife through my eye.
I have been as supportive as I can be, I am trying to better myself the best I can - but this "there are things I need to figure out myself" is eating me up inside. She will not open up to me at all, will not go see anyone else - and it is at the point where she is so stressed that it is making her physically sick.
Is has been 2 month, and it is killing me. We are in an email conversation where we got to the point where she said we can talk tonight, but not about the "some things I just need to figure out myself"
How can I get her to open up to me, and should I even try to? I am at the point where I cannot do this positive attitude thing know there is something that may be the demise of our marriage floating around in her head and she will not talk to me about it. Left to my own my mind wanders into some truly dark places...
What do I do?
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Erico
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Joined: 24 Oct 2010
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 25, 2010 9:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

it's been similar between us. She wants to blame everything on me, and then go into denial. Pretend everything is fine.... Until she finds herself screaming on the phone at me.

even she can't give me a decent reason for it.

I know what it is....

But I know she needs to open up as much as she can... to me or someone else. It's funny I hear "Survivors" around here saying how they "Can't talk about it"... I totally feel bad... but that is the problem.

You can't deal with a problem until you acknowledge it. The repression and denial... dissonance is so huge... I get it.. but there is a "leap of faith" that has to be done.

I read something that "survivors" trust the wrong people, and can't trust the right ones.

I can't number the nights I've BEGGED her to talk.
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1riggo
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Joined: 17 Dec 2010
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 1:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I feel your pain. I don't know your story but I can tell you that I have had a similar past 2 months. My wife has been dealing with her past for our entire marriage. I seems to happen in the fall and she eventually works her way past it and the rest of the year is ok with some ups and downs but manageable to her. I did not realize how deep this went with her until this year. Things seemed different. With some encouragement...she has been in counseling for the last 6 or 7 weeks. This has opened up a huge intertwining of our relationship and her past abuse. She has "things to work out herself" and it is tough for me to step back, but I have. She stays with a friend several nights a week, usually after a counseling session. She needs her time to think about things. We have been married for 25 years and this separation is something I am not used to. All that I have read, this is an important step to recovery. Having her space to make her own decisions about her life and come to acceptance of her past. I get a lot of "I don't know what will happen with us when this is done." and "Why do you love me?" I know that the suffering that she has been going through has taken a toll on her. I reassure her that I am not going anywhere and that I am here for her, when and where she needs me. Support is all I can do. Support and reassurance. The counseling has added a stress to our lives but the fact is that until she comes to terms with her past, it will rear its ugly head annually and that is not fair to either of us. If this is the end of our marriage but the beginning of a happy time for her, I wish her the best because she deserves it. I feel strongly that through this, our marriage and lives will be stronger than ever. It is very painful for me but I try to remember that this is her 2nd time through this and I don't even know the half of what she has gone through. I don't know if this post is more for me than you but I hope it gives you some support knowing that you are not the only one here. If I could express my thoughts on your wife, encourage counseling, give unconditional support, don't let her become a victim of her own mind and give her the space she asks for. It is tough to do but it is probably what she needs. If your marriage is as important to you as mine is to me, a spouse with ghosts in her closet is not giving or getting 100% out of life and that is not fair to anyone. She will open up to you on her terms...and thats ok. Any other way will only be you taking from her and she needs to want to give. My wife thought she could do it on her own and I was foolish to believe her. Counseling has opened up the doors and let out those ghosts and they don't want to leave. Once they are gone, she will be at peace.
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Erico
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Joined: 24 Oct 2010
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 7:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The real struggle is "how much can or should you take"...

What sounds great for you, is she is aware that you hurt and .... exist beyond her problems.
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tbear
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Joined: 09 Dec 2010
Posts: 10

PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2011 12:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Happy New Year to all!!!! I made it through the holidays but really exhausted. I too am the supportor but also the slave at times. Not getting any help from the husband at all thanks goodness the kids are at a age they can help. Once he comes home from work he gets his beer and sits on his &*& all night until it is bed time. When I get home from work which is around 6 I have to cook dinner, laundry, serve dinner, dishes put laundry in dryer, take gargage out, get bath ready for kids all within 3 hours. I get up at 5 so I can make all 4 lunches and breakfasts. Who is the stupid one here I guess me. I just do it without saying a thing. By the time night comes my husband is already in bed snoring because he has been drinking. Not feeling loved lately either it seems sex is for him only. He needs to feel satisfied and all is good not considering me his wife. I am human too. Just letting out how I feel. It will be almost a year now that my husband has opened up about his abuse. I think I really need to sit down and see how my life is and if I want to continue like this???? I am scared to leave not sure where to go and what to do. Staying lets me keep my house, kids, dogs and my warm bed. I wish the anwers were given to me and were easy to accept. I am so alone physically and emotionally. I have 1 friend right now for support other than that I am on my own, no family at all. I am starting to feel like I need another man in my life to give me what I do not have right now. This probably will cause trouble though. Any thoughts??
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nowherewoman
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Joined: 16 Nov 2010
Posts: 38

PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2011 8:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

tbear, I know the feeling well. When I have felt this way I have been known to say to my husband "Hey do you mind if I get a boyfriend?"
He usually reponds in someway as "sure but I'll kill him" sometimes he says "Yes I mind. or why do you want one"
I' m not recommending this plan of action just saying I have been known to say it. Sometimes it open up conversation sometimes it doesn't do anything, other times it makes people upset. I say it sarcastically but their is a slight truth in my statement. Sometimes I too think someone else might treat me better, but then that isn't absolute and for me atleast I know my husband does love me even if he isn't the best at showing it so I take it.
Sure is is lonely though...
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