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Wandering emotions
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aman_brown_16
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 12, 2010 11:07 am    Post subject: Wandering emotions Reply with quote

I am a very sexual person and I honestly believe that if I had a partner who was just as sexual as me I could have sex 5 out of the 7 days a week. My husband was abused by his father and he is happy with sex maybe 3 times a month, if that. I love my husband and would never cheat! Lately though I just fanasize and dream about what it would be like with a partner who showed me intimacy; hugs, kisses, cuddling, sex... I barely get any of it and it has been so difficult. At times I get so angry and then i feel guilty for getting angry. I literally will have dreams of having sex with someone and then i get to cuddle with them afterwards. I know that may sound strange but I have never been able to cuddle with my husband after sex. I get so frustrated that the simple things that should come so easily such as cuddling and hugging don't for him. I understand why they don't and I was truly blessed with a childhood that was full of love and hugs, it's just so hard. Intimacy is so important to me I just wonder how i missed not seeing that it wasn't there when we were dating. Granted the abuse didn't come up until 2 years after we were married but there still had to be signs and red flags. I am so sexually frustrated and masturbating isn't fullfilling. I hope one day things will change because right now all I have is hope.
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Erico
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 12, 2010 9:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can't remember where I read it, but it's working on the things that aren't triggers that is the key.

For us, it was the "hurry up and get dressed and get out of here" part... The shame part. For me I put my foot down, "I'll do no such thing. I love you and I'm going to lay in bed naked."

I'm so awful, I tend to use the denial to my advantage. "There is nothing wrong with this, this is perfectly normal and I'm going to hold you." sure there is ten tons of tension in her body. But if she says something I just ask "Is there something wrong? Why don't you tell me about it? OH... you don't want to talk about it? sounds like everything is fine... Great, I'll keep holding you then."

5 hours later she says "I can't sleep",

Me, "Why not? do you want to talk about it?"

Her, "No, nothing is wrong"

Me, "Do you want me to not hold you? Why can't I hold you? Is there something wrong?"

Me, " ok... I guess I'll keep holding you then"

I figure at one point she is going to crack... I laugh, but it isn't funny. I know she is caught in the disassociation and the denial.

The real horror is the "If I just ignore this, it will go away"
What problems have We ever ignored that have ever gone away?
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aman_brown_16
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 13, 2010 5:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wish I could just grab him and hold but he doesn't stay in bed long enough more me to do that. We also don't go to bed at the same time because of his work schedule so I can't try then either. Our counselor started us on an exercise where we have to hug for as long as he can withstand it, it hurts me so much to say that; my husband has to withstand trying to hug me! I never thought that was something I would have to say or go through. But he can oonly do the exercise for maybe a minute and a half, I hope one day it will be longer.
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Erico
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 13, 2010 11:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just always wonder what goes on in his mind, what are the thoughts that make him stop.

I thought I read something about saying your name, or maybe keep his eyes open. Doing it in a lit room. Things that help him to be "Present in the Moment"

One of the huge Red flags for me was that she Had to get dressed right after. And the first time I really tried to cuddle She bolted..... I think the quote was "I just don't know what you men want"... then she ran out.... I was like WTF?... I wanted to Cuddle...

She still has to get dressed, now she says its because of the sweat. Of course she is ok with my sweat... and she doesn't sweat(she says) ... the rationalizations are so strange.

You do realize that, from what i've read... the real horror is that any and most touching of a person's "Private parts" feels good. So by the abuser it's used to blame them, or Shame them, or to fault them "See you were stimulated... you liked it". Men tend to think that they can control an erection, when honestly I suspect a sweaty stinky bum on the street could stroke your penis and it would feel good.... but it doesn't mean you want to have sex with bums. But that is quite possibly the confusion he suffers. All of this Imprinted on a child's mind.... and it comes boiling up ... when he hugs you.

This stuff makes me very angry some times... that someone could do this to a child... and think that it was in any way Love.
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aman_brown_16
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 13, 2010 11:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree it is so sad that someone would do it to a child especially a parent. When my husband pushes me away he has said that it is because his father would hug him and love him and then 5 mintues later beat him till he was black and blue. He also sexually abused him but the beatings seem to effect him more when it comes to intimacy to a degree. I thank god that his dad killed himself when my husband turned 6 because who knows how long it would have gone on, his mom wasn't stopping it and she knew what was going on. I kept my eyes open one time during sex and was looking at him and he pushed my face away and said stop looking at me, so yeah haven't opened my eyes since.
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Erico
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 14, 2010 12:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ugh Sad

It's tough. One of my stupid sayings these days is "do what you can, and not focus on what you can't do."

I keep trying to build on what works, not fighting "windmills"...

We were talking this weekend about sex. It doesn't really occur to her that we could have sex more than once a week... or just after she "Pushes me away" as makeup sex..... it's so messed up. Just sex when she thinks she "owes me"... or something. I just want sex because we love each other.

Since she has a hard time sharing things, it's impossible to know what the heck is going on. It always feels like she is one of those people who spin the plates on sticks, and has to keep running around to keep them spinning.

In a way it feels like if she can keep the "cycle" going, I won't realize how bad things are. When the catch-22 is that it's the cycle that makes things bad. It's like the alcoholic that drinks because things are bad, and then the drinking makes them worse.

I don't know where this was going.... felt like a kind of ramble Smile
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aman_brown_16
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 15, 2010 9:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It may be rambling but i understanad it. I wish my husband would share with me because then i would at leas have an idea of what is somewhat going on.
my husband says he wants to get better but never reads the books or does the exercise our counselor gives us but just blocks me out and pushes me away. the one person who wants to help. its all so depressing!
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nowherewoman
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 8:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That doesn't seem weird at all aman. I also just dream of being touched. It's not even just the sex for me it's someone wanting me. Someone treating me like I'm beautiful and special. My husband has even fell asleep during sex before. Now he likes to pretend it didn't happen but it did. Infact it has happened more than once. It's almost traumatic to me. I have begged him in the past to explain to me why it's the way he is. I swore if it was weight I would lose it. If it was anything I would change. I finally get it isn't me. He always said it wasn't but I couldn't believe him. sometimes though it's still hard to remind myself that it isn't because he doesn't find me attractive or that he doesn't love me. It just hurts because you can go and talk to someone else. You can go to a movie or dinner with a friend. You can spend time with other people, dance with other people. But sex a physical attention is suppose to be exclusive between spouses and if one is withholding it the other person has two choices do without live with unsatisfactory or cheat. I won't cheat, and thank God there are times he is in tune and it does seem he gets better, but if not for those good times every now and then I don't know what I would do.
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Erico
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 1:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's easier for me to read about "Sexual Abuse" than it is to read about co-dependence. If I read about me, its hard.

very difficult to deal with abuse....
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aman_brown_16
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 17, 2010 4:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

nowherewoman...."thank God there are times he is in tune and it does seem he gets better, but if not for those good times every now and then I don't know what I would do." this is exactly how i feel!! OMG. It s crazy but i totally know what you mean! I hope it gets better with counseling because i know i can't go on like this forever!
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