The end.
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Flyingwithgrace
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 16, 2010 6:52 pm    Post subject: The end. Reply with quote

Crying or Very sad Shocked Confused Evil or Very Mad That pretty much sums up my emotions. I'm shocked, very sad, confused and mad as hell. I had what will be my final meeting with my "mother" yesterday. She called me and said she HAD to talk to me. (This after telling me a few months ago that she couldn't ever talk to me again because I was too toxic for her).

So I invited her to come to my room where we would have some privacy. That was my first big mistake. Letting her come at all was an even bigger one. So it seems that when you stick your kid in foster care for almost 5 years, the state still holds you accountable for paying for that. She got a letter from the dept of human services, basically a bill, for the time that the state had custody of me. She has to pay back child support to the state. It's a lot of money too. I guess they had been trying to find her since I turned 18 and hadn't been able to because they have moved around since I left.

But they finally caught up to them. I was told that she would have been a lot better off if she had just aborted me in the first place. She said the only reason she had me was so that she would have someone to take care of her when she got old. I really #$$% that up for her, didn't I?

She said she gave me all of the love in the world and this is how I repaid her. And ppl wonder why I don't trust when someone tells me they love me. Thanks to her I might never believe it. It got pretty ugly and at one point I thought I was going to have to call the cops to get her out of my room and away from me.

Now here's the irony...I was taken from my home and put in foster care because she chose her husband over me. That resulted in the bill that she now is responsible for and now he is saying that he will leave her before he pays one penny for "that nasty little excuse for a piece of #*$# daughter of hers" that's a quote from her btw.

I'm so done. I thought I was getting over the whole family thing, I was ok with being alone. Now I know why I have to be but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I wish she'd aborted me too.
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Taubah
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 16, 2010 8:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

..... I know that nothing I can say can penetrate this pain... melt.. soften it. But if you were here with me, or I with you, I'd hold you so tight and gently until you fell asleep....

My mom's never said that to me, she chose her husbands (all seven) over me, but never admitted it. Your mom didn't give you anything, rather she gave that love to herself and her husband. Her words are empty, and those words do not deserve to freeze your heart because you are so loving... so beautiful and amazing and yeah.... believing it when someone says they love you....... but it wont feel like this forever love, i swear it wont feel like this forever.

I am so happy that you are alive... and no matter if you believe me, i do love you, i couldn't love you any more if you were from my womb.
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Parched. dry. i run-
across your soul.
the faceless me i chase,
voiceless and untold.
~Taubah


Last edited by Taubah on Thu Jun 17, 2010 4:00 am; edited 2 times in total
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Flyingwithgrace
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 16, 2010 8:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm just so #$$% STUPID Taubah. She was pleasant on the phone, I actually thought maybe she changed her mind and wanted to try again with me. I can't believe I let myself think that for even a minute, I know better. God, I feel so incredibly retarded right now.

And the hurt will go away, or at least I won't think about it. It isn't worth it. She isn't worth it. I was thinking about something though, whatever greater power there is that decides what kid should go to what family when they are born, really #$$% up. And not just with me. I don't understand why ppl who don't want kids, who won't love them and take care of them are even allowed to have them. People like that should be born sterile. Or have their tiny little heads pinched off when they are born so they can't hurt anybody.

I'm mad.

Thank you Taubah, I actually DO believe you when you say you love me. You are one of the rare ones that I do. You, and Beth and Rosie. That's about it though.
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Taubah
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 16, 2010 8:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Naw, you aren't stupid. You want your mom/wanted your mom to love you, to want you. Cause you need that.... and you deserve it.... people such as she have a gift of deception, i know it well but even i get done in for.... Mothers know how to manipulate their children. I look at my babies and think about the same things you are saying here about parents who do not care for their children. But you know, Some of the best people are born into the world this way. And they bring such love, joy and change to the world around them, you will never know the light that you are, but you will get your hearts fill and i'm sure of it. Every one deserves the chance to be who they are to be, even if their parents do not deserve to have any tie to them.

I am proud of you love.
_________________
Parched. dry. i run-
across your soul.
the faceless me i chase,
voiceless and untold.
~Taubah
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Flyingwithgrace
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 16, 2010 8:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well I know one thing, I won't ever have kids. I can't risk having something in me that would make me like her. I won't do that to a child. Besides that, my AH was passed to me from someone in my family, (my mom asked why I was blaming her, I didn't I just asked if she knew anyone in the family that had it. I wanted medical history not to blame anybody) I don't want to risk passing it down myself.

I'd become a nun but about the first time I got mad and let go with J..#$$%...C they'd probably boil me in oil.
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Taubah
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 16, 2010 8:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hugs

you're gonna be alright sweetie. hugs hugs.
You're gonna be just fine. Smile

You know, i use to say i would never have kids... I didn't want any one to ever feel pain the way i did.... I wanted to be single all my life and never have kids... crazy how things play out.....

Hey i PMed you yesterday, did you get it?
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across your soul.
the faceless me i chase,
voiceless and untold.
~Taubah
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smileygirl
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 16, 2010 9:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

HI, Codie. Thanks for sharing your pain. What your mother said to you is wrong. You are worth to be loved. You are not stupid for trying again, you have a need to recieve love from a mom and she decieved you into thinking she could fulfill your need. I've walked in similar shoes with the woman that calls herself mother. As painful as it is to not have a mom, I finally admitted she is toxic, stopped communication with her, and found other people to fill my need for a mom. You're stronger than me so I believe you will heal from her. Love you.
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Flyingwithgrace
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 16, 2010 9:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really don't believe I will ever have a family, Taubah. For those reasons and also because I don't seem to have what it takes to attract husband material. But that's ok too.

I forget to even check for those, I'll go look now.

And Toughgirl ( Laughing ) I don't believe for a minute that I'm stronger than you. I think I've just mastered the art of not letting people see very deep into what I feel most of the time. You'll be ok, I believe in you.
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smileygirl
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 16, 2010 9:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

We've mastered the same art with our emotions, but I see strength in you. You inspired me to get off the couch, do my laundry, and keep living life (or at least try this life thing).
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Flyingwithgrace
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 16, 2010 9:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I did that? Well I'm glad then. You have inspired me too though. Not to quit. To keep coming here and letting some of my stuff out instead of keeping it shoved down and not thinking about it. So we have helped each other and i think that's a good thing.

I'm glad you're up and around today, I think I'll follow your example and walk down to the store and get something to eat. I was going to do that yesterday because I have no food here but my confrontation with that woman (as she will be known as from now on) made me want to just lock the door and hide. So I didn't eat yesterday and I'm actually feeling a little hungry now which is surprising to me.

Keep going, you're doing great. We'll do this together, ok? Love you.
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