I'm afraid to be intimate

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Joined: 01 May 2010
Posts: 7

PostPosted: Sat May 01, 2010 7:41 am    Post subject: I'm afraid to be intimate Reply with quote

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and have wedding plans in the future. I love him deeply and am quite attracted to him, yet I'm not interesting in sex... well actually, I'm sure I would be but i'm afraid.

I lost my virginity to rape that continued for two years.

In the first year of the relationship with my boyfriend, i was not mentally there when it happened. Then after I realized I could let me guard down, I realized that sex completely terrifies me and it hurts.

But my boyfriend doesn't understand it. I've told him what happened in the past yet he doesn't get it. He thinks i'm not attracted to him or that he's horrible in bed. I have to give myself a peptalk before having sex with him; I make sure to have it once a week, which is still way too much for me. I usually end up crying afterwards or will tell him to be quick (so I don't have to be mentally gone for long).

No many how many times I explain to him that i've been raped, he doesn't get where I'm coming from! My stupid weakness from years ago is making me afraid now.

I'm angry to say the least.... Why can't he just understand that I'd be much happier in a relationship where I could choose when and IF we have sex. In a perfect world I wouldn't be afraid to be intimate with someone I plan on spending the rest of my life with....
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newbie 1st class
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Joined: 03 May 2010
Posts: 24

PostPosted: Mon May 03, 2010 6:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Many of us have issues after the fact, well after the fact. The way that a partner handles things is a HUGE issue. With my damage, I disassociate from my body, thus, I am not much fun, nor much ego padding. My not so supportive partner has the "lay back and enjoy it" attitude on rape. He doesn't understand that the crux is control. The one thing that everyone owns from birth is her own body. When you take control of a woman's body against her will, you rob her of her only innate possession.
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Posting Freak
Posting Freak

Joined: 09 Jun 2004
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Location: the netherlands

PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2010 10:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Cooky,

Sounds to me like you are deciding when and if you have sex. And like you've decided that once a week is a minimum.

Is there any part of the sexual experience that you can be present to? Even a little bit? Start there. You may enlist the coŲperation of your boyfriend, or do this on your own, either way.

Start having sex where you can be present, take the lead in bed instead of having him "do his thing" and hoping he's done soon.

Sex can be a wonderful expression of mutual love and affection and if you seek for those emotions while with your boyfriend, hopefully this will act as an antidote to the painful feelings from before.

In my experience this wont happen right away. It takes practise to unlearn things, esspecially things that have been deeply engraved in your memory. But you can unlearn it. It's worth it too. I'd say, if you're interested in a relationship at all, a full relationship with loving sexuality as a part of that, start practising.

If you can, talk to your boyfriend about the things you like. If you can't think of anything you like in your lovemaking, explore your own body to find out what you like. Experiment, explore...

Good luck
We donít see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
Ė-AnaÓs Nin
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Junior Member
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Joined: 19 Jan 2009
Posts: 35
Location: New Mexico

PostPosted: Sat Dec 18, 2010 8:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have always associated sex with a bad dirty feeling. Because of this any sexual experience I had with a guy was the last experience I had with him. I learned this about myself and tried to break the cycle. I am now happily married to a wonderful man, who although he can never understand that I have been through tries his best to be supportive. Sex at times is still really hard for me. I still cry after it every now and then. I never cuddle or stay in bed for long after. I have to run into the shower and wash the sex off. For me as painful and horrible as it is sometimes I canít let the bad thoughts get into my head. If I do they will take over and I will never get away from them. I was abused for years and that is a horrible way to be exposed to sex for the first time. But I refuse to let it control me. I am stronger than my past. So are you, it is hard and there are times that you are going to think that the fight is not worth it. But it is. Sex can be wonderful and enjoyable if you can just embrace it. The reasons that we are all on this site are things that we will never get over, you canít get over. You just have to learn to take what you can from it and let it make you a better stronger person.
Strength is what happens when you are to stubborn too break.
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newbie 1st class
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Joined: 12 Dec 2010
Posts: 20
Location: Washington State

PostPosted: Sat Dec 18, 2010 10:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am sorry you are having such a hard time.
Like ivonne said "you" are deciding when and how often you have sex, and i myself love sex and my husand only wants it about once a week maybe less. I get so angry that he gets to decide when we have sex so i do understand why ypur boyfriend would be frustrated but the way he is acting isn't right and i had to learn that to. Since my husband and i started going to a counselor, who is amazing, we have been doing much better and i understand so much better. We both have individual counseling and then come together for a little bit and life is still hard but we are making progress. I was given a book to read and it was amazing, it's called "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch. He has examples of couples going through what you are and ways to help you as a couple but also to do whats right for you as an individual. you really should check it out, i got it for $7.00 on amazon, i think it could really help! good luck.
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