This mother's guilt

 
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urbanwolf
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 5:03 am    Post subject: This mother's guilt Reply with quote

alot of anger out there toward moms. Wow! I feel like as a woman we were born saying sorry. I feel like as a mom that I need to say it twice as much. I did not live with my kids when my son was assaulted. Their step dad had ever so carefully turned them against me by belittling me and calling me down. I suffered terribly and he was the direct cause. He eventually threw me out of the house with no money and no where to go. None of my kids wanted to come with me. They are older now and are realizing the extent of the damage he causes us. He purposely came between me and my kids so he could abuse them especially my third son. He was the one who wouldn't listen to his lies. He was the lone hold out. I think this made him the target. You want to talk about the guilt of a mother? How would you feel it you thought that ur son's loyalty to you caused him to be the target of sexual abuse. He disclosed to me first and I believed him right away. I have been fighting along side with him for almost 2 yrs now. I still feel just as guilty. Why didn't I know? Did I miss something? I should have known I as the "mom" right? Society and everyone around tells us that there is a higher standard for moms then there is for dad's. Fair or unfair that is the way it is. My kids could blame me and I would not argue. Even if I disagreed I would not argue. If it would make them feel better to villianize me so be it. There is one thing I have learned as a parent and that is you make sacrifices for ur kids. No one ever put a limit on how much. I love my boys, I would do anything to ease their pain. Everyday I think why did I not know? I used to feel like a good mom, now i question everything. If you think as a child in these situations you have questions, try being a non offending parent. I feel just as set up as they do. To make matters worse, I learned that some of his family knew what he was and never said anything to me. Some family suspected and never said anything. I feel like we were just the perfect target. I feel betrayed. But most of all I feel guilty, just for being the adult. I was not assaulted by him but I feel tortured by him and his actions everyday! Will it ever get better?


Drowning with pain and shame,
urbanwolf
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arielrose
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 8:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A good mom! YOU ARE A GREAT MOM....

Do you know how many moms dont listen ever to there children - and dont kick the Perp out of there lives.

Sometimes we cant protect our children no matter what we do. and we dont want them living like nemo with no life because of our fears...

We want to help them if they fall!

a good Parent to me is one that does a better job at parenting then thier parents did.

My mother was a great mother but did not hear my subtle scared cries for help when the abuse happened to me as a child. But she listened when I told her when I was 25 - and it shattered her world.

It also opened my ears to listen when my little girls started to open up and disclose at 2.5 years old. in the only way she knew how to then.

But I too listened and kicked his buttout.

You are supporting your son(s)! I know how hard that is, when society likes to blame the mothers.

You are doing what a GOOD mother does. and you are worth it and so are your children!

There is healing - it does get easier but it takes a while. the more you face it now the less it will hurt all of your famliy later in life!

And you were Betrayed. and that you must grieve for yourself. a side of the mothers healing process.
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urbanwolf
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 10:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for ur positive words. Some days r better then others. I am doing better then my parents did. But I needed reminding. My mom and I have been through alot together and we have forgiven each other many things. The older I get the more I understand and appreciate her. I realize that if I want to be comfortable with me, I really need to accept her. Then the parts of me that r so like her will be more tolerable. She always stuck by me even when I pushed her away hard. We are finally at a place of peace with each other. A lot of hard work on both r parts. I read ur message through tears. Tears for you that u must go through this with your own sweet daughter and for me because you said what I needed to hear. I still have many questions. I thought I was educated, I thought that I had educated them. But when all is said and done, the fear of tearing the family apart and the guilt his abuser made him feel was stronger then his knowing he should tell. He still feels guilty. It is like some form of cancer has been put in our family and it spreads and then disapates and then goes around again.
When you say ur mom's world was shattered, I relate so strongly it is as if u are talking about me. Is she okay now? Is she supportive to you ? Has she forgiven herself ?

from this mother's heart to yours,
urbanwolf
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