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a zillion thoughts

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Joined: 12 Nov 2009
Posts: 7

PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 11:14 am    Post subject: a zillion thoughts Reply with quote

im 21, in college, trying to get ahead in life, but its soo hard right now..

so here's my story and so much other stuff going through my head about my past..the abuse started ever since i can remember. age 6. until age 14 by my father. he woud touch my parts with his. at twelve he took it to the next level. not only that for many years he would show me pornography. when he would take a bath he would ask me to scrub his back.. but to also scrup his parts. at age 14 he would have sex with my while i was asleep, i would wake up to it. at that point in my life i would get mad at him, but i also wanted to scream so my mother could hear, telling myself if she only knew but i was afraid. i was so anger by all this i didn't know what to do..finally i told my former boyfriend about my dark secret, because him and i were having it tough..a physically abusive relationship, something i thought would never end. but if it wasn't for him i wouldn't have had the guts to tell my mother.

when i was little i would take off my eye lashes, i don't know why, but its nice to know that im not the only one. it was always hard to for me to make friends trying too hard to get affiliated with others. at age 14 i moved to a new school. that's when guys finally started getting attracted to me and when i became sexually active with others. i didn't know right from wrong at that time. in high school i was too nice and would smile for no reason, its as if i didn'nt know how to act..i was also defenseless. i could never perform at my full capacity in sports and other activities. always trying to get affiliated with others but it was difficult to interact with others..still is. my relationship lasted 4 years. it was difficult to love,, its as if i had no desire of it..i couldn't open up about feelings..i always had walls. i would say it was hard to express to others even my friends. ok - i know this is just too much. i just need professional help at this point..because all these thoughts are effecting school and work.

well all this was to pour my feelings out...i feel much better. this is just the first step for me for getting my life on track. if it wasn't for all your stories i wouldn't have the courage to do this. thank you all.
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