Joined: 24 Oct 2010
|Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2011 11:40 am Post subject:
This is what I'm getting at. Some of the "managing" my survivor, is just enabling. I'm trying to "Fix her", but not letting her fix herself. In a way I'm trying to create dependence by solving her problems for her. The idea is I'm making myself needed.
Of course in the end I'm resentful, she is not appreciative of the Helping that she never asked for.
A friend of mine who has an Autistic kid, and numerous family emotional problems have sprung from it. He said,"Just let things happen".
It occured to me that even when she "Acts Out" and I say "Oh! that is ok... she is a Survivor... I'll just tolerate it." Of course I feel like crap for a few days. Then I resent her for hurting me, even though I'm an Accessory to the Hurting.
So for example, she says, "I want to see you tomorrow at 7pm" I say Ok, She calls me at 7 and says "I'm going to be late". Normaly I'd go "Ok... That is fine I love you i'll wait around here for you". What I started doing was this, "No! Sorry, you said you were going to be here. You could have told me you weren't going to be here 2 hours ago, when you didn't start getting ready. Not only are we not going out, but I'm not going to see you for a week."
This then kicks in her manipulative tenancies, and she will start trying to make me feel guilty, or that I'm victimizing her or whatever. But it's honestly what I feel, and if she doesn't want to respect my time. I Honestly don't want to see her. When she learns to act like a decent human being who can respect my time... then we can go on dates and have a decent time.
But if she wants to be 3 hours late and have me sit around dressed to go out sitting around twittling my thumbs for 3.5 hours. Its Rude. I know this sounds Abusive, but it's not... what is abusive is being left to waist 4 hours of my day... wondering if my Girlfriend is going to show up. Which she may or may not 50% of the time.
I know it's because of all the dissociation and the emotional problems that make it difficult for her to deal with day to day living. But she needs to do better than to solve her problems by having me sit around on my couch or her couch watching TV... waiting for her to decide which shoes to wear until we have missed the Early movie, the late movie, and are trying to find a decent restaurant open past 9.
If she wants to be in a relationship with me... she gets to do some of the work. she gets to be considerate, She gets to pick a movie some times... realize sometimes it's good, sometimes it's a bad movie. Little wins on stupid crap like this ... can start meaning big things on the larger issues. These are the small winnable issues.
There is a quote, something about "Let other people make their choices, and live with the uncomfortable result. It is not for me to save them from their choices or their Uncomfortable feelings."
One of the therapists I talked to mentioned "Are you sometimes resentful of managing the relationship." I realized it wasn't hard for me... but that I didn't like doing it. I didn't like being the only one "responsible" for the relationship, or for it's result. Seems like, maybe she should take a roll in the responsibility. Like she should be responsible for it's success or failure. She does like to be in it right? It is good for her right? Maybe she can earn her right to be in it.