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Seeking a Loving Committed Relationship

 
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YankeeBob
Junior Member
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Joined: 12 Jul 2006
Posts: 75
Location: Melbourne , Australia

PostPosted: Thu Jun 18, 2009 2:43 pm    Post subject: Seeking a Loving Committed Relationship Reply with quote

Thanks for letting me post Ivonne.

I don't do this often.

In life there is an "illusion" that men and women "fall in love", "get married" and "live happily ever after".

Young girls get this illusion from tv, movies, ...we might call it the "Cinderella Story".

Young boys get it from the same sources.

Anyhow, there is a relationship counsellor by the name of Al Turtle he asserts that all relationships move through a number of stages. If you want to understand this more buy his 2 cd set, "THE MAP OF RELATIONSHIPS".

The short version of this work is as follows:

STAGE ONE. ROMANTIC LOVE.

Women or men experience some feelings like a high. What is going on is that serotonin is being released in the brain and endorphins released in the body. These chemicals make us feel high, happy.

The other person is not creating this mood altering experience...rather its our own minds/bodies.

During this phase we are "temporarily insane". We don't see the faults in others. In fact we are blind to them.

We don't heed the advice of family and friends to whether our partner is suitable. Or compatible.

STAGE TWO. POWER STRUGGLE

After the ROMANTIC LOVE period comes to an end...we start to see the flaws in the other person.

They might be lazy, procrastinate, be obsessed by sex, secretive, use drugs to cope with life, have poor work habits....whatever.

As we seek to understand why our partner is like this...why they think its ok to have these behaviours or attitudes....they become sensitive. And they turn our discussions back on us.

That is deflecting analysis or justifications for their motives.

So we each start finding faults with the other.

The POWER STRUGGLE can last for years or indefinitely.

STAGE THREE. This has three outcomes:

OPTION 1: START AGAIN
We decide we made the wrong choice. This man/this woman is not suitable for myself. But there is a healthy choice out there ....alll I have to do is go find that person.

And we might find ourself looping through the same cycle again.

OPTION 2. COLD WAR
In this state the couple stop communicating.

They live resigned that the other is too stubborn to change.

Each takes the others silence to mean "they are ok ".

We see such couples in restaurants or coffee shops. They don't talk to one another. Two dummies sitting there possibly bored with each other.

OPTION THREE. IS THERE AN ALTERNATIVE
Al Turtle asserts that 6% to 17% of the people in relationships reach this conclusion. Can there be another way.

Most don't.

And he asserts that in his opinion those that reach OPTION THREE often find their way to STAGE FOUR.

STAGE FOUR: VINTAGE LOVE.

I am assuming I might have your attention.

If so...then ask me what and how to get VINTAGE LOVE.

By the way...I have thanks to this concept and the other tools I have learned.

Take care. Be well.
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Lostson
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Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Posts: 137
Location: New Mexico

PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 7:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Was there anything about how we grow attached and find love with people we arent sexually attracted too?
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carter
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Joined: 12 Jun 2005
Posts: 557

PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 8:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

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*********POSSIBLE TRIGGER************







Since when has Ivonne been the arbiter of posts on this website?

I find it hard to believe that she would presume to be in a position to "give permission" to anyone, or are you just using her (highly regarded) name to give yourself some credibility?

Surely you should OK your salespitch with Kevin or Annie, not Ivonne?

If you really want to offer something helpful to this community maybe you could just tell us what the big secret is instead of trying to whet our appetites so you can flog us your cds.

Considering most survivors have trouble ever reaching stage one of your grand scheme. and have had most of their illusions shattered, aged 7 or thereabouts by some bloke's cock, I think your whole post is decidedly inappropriate.

Do you get a commission on sales?

While I'm here can I ask you to be more discreet about shoving your 12 point plans down everybody's throats at every opportunity too.

While I won't speak for all here, I personally have found the vast majority of your posts to be patronising and unhelpful.

Are you actually a survivor or partner, or do you tout your brand of , I will call it zealotry to stay on the nicer side of blunt, round every website that has vulnerable; and perhaps therefore gullible; people on it?

Carter
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ivonne
Posting Freak
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Joined: 09 Jun 2004
Posts: 5874
Location: the netherlands

PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 2:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Thanks for letting me post Ivonne.

Quote:
Since when has Ivonne been the arbiter of posts on this website?


I had nothing to do with it!

Ivonne
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we see them as we are.
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Taubah
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Joined: 06 May 2008
Posts: 1239
Location: Indiana

PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ROFL this is fuuuuuuunny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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across your soul.
the faceless me i chase,
voiceless and untold.
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carter
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Joined: 12 Jun 2005
Posts: 557

PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 5:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I never imagined you did Ivonne, as you must have seen from my next sentence.

C
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YankeeBob
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Joined: 12 Jul 2006
Posts: 75
Location: Melbourne , Australia

PostPosted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 3:43 pm    Post subject: Please accept my apology if I was inappropriate. Reply with quote

To Carter in particular.

No, I make no money or receive any financial reward from the relationship counsellor I was citing.

As for the reference to my views on the use of 12 Step fellowships for talking about pain, and seeking healing....I can only share with you that for myself and for others whom I have met in groups in Australia it seems to help.

It does not resolve their memories, nor change their behaviours fully of self harming.

Please go ahead and delete the post, or recommend to the moderators to do so. My self esteem will not be diminshed. Seriously.

As to my own sexual past....since you ask I was sexually interfered with by an older boy when I was 9 or 10. No penetration occured. But it was a secret that I kept from my parents, friends and from each of my relationships.

Did it affect me psychologically.....not on the scale of the harm that has been done to many of the men and women on this site.

Why do I visit this site from time to time ( you have not asked for this but it seems appropriate to be forthcoming here, since my motives are being challenged )? Well a number of the men I Sponsor have been SERIOUSLY sexually molested by a family member, or stranger. Since this site cites many resources of value....and because it seems to offer an opportunity to discuss deep secrets that are harmful if unresolved...I look here for two things: 1) guidance for others ( yes I do recommend men I know to try this site; and 2) seek resources to help them further ).

Thank you for challenging my motives and expressing your concerns about my behaviour.

Take care. Be well.
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ivonne
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Joined: 09 Jun 2004
Posts: 5874
Location: the netherlands

PostPosted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 4:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know Carter, I fully understand that you know this, however I wanted to make a public statement about it myself.

Very Happy
Ivonne
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We dont see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
-Anas Nin
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Taubah
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Joined: 06 May 2008
Posts: 1239
Location: Indiana

PostPosted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 5:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hey, lol

you didn't mention y u used ivonne's name.
_________________
Parched. dry. i run-
across your soul.
the faceless me i chase,
voiceless and untold.
~Taubah
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