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Can't get out of the shower

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Joined: 04 May 2009
Posts: 4

PostPosted: Mon May 04, 2009 8:09 pm    Post subject: Can't get out of the shower Reply with quote

First off, I hope my user name doesn't offend anyone. Secondly, I'm not sure if this is even considered sexual abuse. My therapist told me what my mother did is a subtle form, but sexual abuse non-the-less.
When I was developing into a woman, around 9 or 10, my mom opened the bathroom door (she never knocked on any closed door and 20 years later, still doesn't) and saw me using the bathroom. She stared incredulously at my private parts and had this sick sort of demented smile as she announced to the entire room (we were on a family beach vacation) that I had pubic hair.

This was humilitating. For the next year or two she would come into the bathroom EVERY night I was taking a shower. This bathroom, one of three, had the clear glass shower doors. She would look at me and I'd ask why she came in there everynight and could she wait to come in until I was done bathing b/c I felt uncomfotable and violated. She always replied that she was "looking for something".

After awhile, I had the idea of putting huge beach towels over the glass doors so no one could see in. Eureka! I felt saved. She stopped coming in.

She then started doing this to my oldest brother when he was about 13. He would yell from the shower, stop coming in here to look at my privates!

I cannot get past this thing. If it was subtle sexual abuse, why does it haunt me still?
She denies everything of course. She was also physically and emotionally abusive. Anytime I date someone or get a new job, she does everything to make sure I lose the job or the guy.
Because of this, I no longer date. I believe all the trauma she has inflicted has caused me to become a totally unstable adult who is an alcoholic, bulimic and self-injurer (particulay in the areas where she tried to look). I also have BPD and OCD and have attempted suicide more than once.

Thank you for listening. I cannot imagine those who have endured 10x more than this. My heart goes out to all those who have suffered.
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