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Please Help...Has my lady been molested or abused?
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Taubah
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2009 1:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

right then evaluation, either way.

good day
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lightandsound
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 2:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think that I am about to contridict your answerers!

It sounds to me that she has been through some kind of abuse. I have acted similarly.

You are aware that if you insist on being in this relationship - if she lets you - that you are in for headaches - unless, as it has been suggested, you need this to feel whole yourself!

When she acts in these strange ways, does she remember these instances? Does she talk about finding herself somewhere, but not knowing how she got there? Have you noiticed different facial expressions or movements?

She certainly sounds as though she is fighting her feelings.

You may have to realise that there is no future with her!

So sorry that I can't offer much.
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EricasGuy
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 8:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

lightandsound wrote:
I think that I am about to contridict your answerers!

It sounds to me that she has been through some kind of abuse. I have acted similarly.

You are aware that if you insist on being in this relationship - if she lets you - that you are in for headaches - unless, as it has been suggested, you need this to feel whole yourself!

When she acts in these strange ways, does she remember these instances? Does she talk about finding herself somewhere, but not knowing how she got there? Have you noiticed different facial expressions or movements?

She certainly sounds as though she is fighting her feelings.

You may have to realise that there is no future with her!

So sorry that I can't offer much.

No you actually added alot just by verifying some common behavior you've had yourself. You're asking if she disassociates...I can't recall ever seeing that in any way and I do know what to look for. It's more like an ultra radical, utterly preposterous and unreasonable mood swing based on no apparent reason. She's acting exactly the opposite of what one would expect, but this only began recently when she was told the true nature of my feelings for her. She was told I love her on Valentines night, which did not provoke this reaction. In fact it provoked a very positive reaction that demonstrated mutual feelings. However within 10 days I noticed some oddities in her behavior and it exploded 3 weeks later into full blown anger without cause. She admits to verbal/emotional abuse from her mom throughout childhood as well as now and fearing relational commitments already. "I run when it gets to close" was her comment on this.

I'm not looking to feel whole from this, becasue I'm already whole. I just love her very deeply, believe she's worth fighting for, and I define love as a verb not a noun. She's backed away in the past once or twice but came back when I stood fast and didn't push her. She admits to extremely poor ability to have relationships outisde of business, and while we've gotten very close, most of that occured while we were in "friends" mode or this odd hybrid role she called "halfway between friends and BF/GF". We'd speak on business only for several days then it would turn personal and emotionally intimate, then back to business again the next day. She's told me previously that she loves me though now she conveniently denies much of what was said as if she thinks I won't remember it. Fear of her own feelings...YES...that appears to be the most prominent thing I'm witnessing here.

What behaviors on that list do you see that are most indicative of what you've also had to deal with?
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650Rider
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 22, 2009 5:22 am    Post subject: Another view (What else to put here. Hmm) Reply with quote

Hi there.

First off, I think that you should be commended for your concern in this matter. A number of people would just tell her the **** off and go away, but you are trying to understand somthing that does not make sense to you in many ways.

How much energy you are willing to put into this question is really a concerning item. You can wonder and ponder and spend a lot of time with focus on her and what went on with her and that might never, ever get you anywhere, unless she one day came to you and opened up the flood gates and perhaps (Sorry, it's a term my therapist uses in situations like this) vomits the whole story of her past to you. The odds of that.. better in Vegas.

I don't mean to make light of it. I've been where you are. I was in a relationship with a woman whom I knew from her telling me, in some - perhaps too much - detail and she would at times go into full denial about it and then I was confused and felt like I was walking in a mine field afraid to take a single step in any direction My life would stop and that was not a good thing to do to myself.

I have met a few women in my life that it seemed we were meeting on a very deep intimate level and then I woud mention something to them or just say the words "love you" to end a phone conversation and then things blew up. Why? Don't know, they did. They had issues? Maybe? They were not looking for someone to be at that level with? Maybe, donno.

What is her story? Don't know.

She's acting a little strange, yes, but well, some people do. They have intimacy problems perhaps not just from sexual abuse but something like a parent that moved away or died at a young age and that is all unresolved. Large books have been written on the topic well, I don't think anyone can put anyone in to a classification of abused or not abused based on their actions.

So, what do you do for you? How do you protect yourself and get right with all this? You can't help her, save her, cure her, none of it. If she asked you for help, yes, you can do as you might be able to for her. A friend called me a few weeks ago and told me she spent the night plotting how to kill herself without making a mess. I was at her house in a few minutes, gathering a list of her medications and the whole list of things one can take when going into a mental health facility. I drove her there. Visited her, sat in a therapy session when asked, but I made it clear with her that I was not going to do her homework, she had to do the therapy take the pills. She's much better now and getting better every day, so I hear. Her family is taking care of her, I get a call now and again from her, just checking in and saying hello. You can't do this woman's homework/therapy.

I understand that this could be very heartbreaking for you. You'd like to have had this work out. It didn't and that does hurt.

Can you put the focus on yourself and what you need to do for yourself and not put energy and time on her and the questions of why? Questions you might likely never get the answer to?

I do wish you peace.
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EricasGuy
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 22, 2009 6:29 am    Post subject: Re: Another view (What else to put here. Hmm) Reply with quote

650Rider wrote:
I understand that this could be very heartbreaking for you. You'd like to have had this work out. It didn't and that does hurt.

Can you put the focus on yourself and what you need to do for yourself and not put energy and time on her and the questions of why? Questions you might likely never get the answer to?

I appreciate your concern and the time you took to respond...I truly do. This has been a consistent theme expressed to me in here. Here's two things important to understand:

1) I am probably as healthy an individual as you'll ever encounter in here.
2) Nothinig that has happened has indicated that our relationship is over.

I don't want to detail the history of my life or why I might take an approach that seems counter productive in here. You can read the results of that approach on the other thread in the partners section where people get upset if I don't want to receive advice. Telling them that I wasn't looking for advice offended them; this in spite of the fact that the rules of the board specifically state that we should not be trying to give each other advice, and second, we are all strangers in here, and few people will take advice from those they don't know.

So instead of that approach, I'd rather explain it like this:

Love is a verb, not a noun. Read I Corinthians 13 to see what that means and if you get it, you'll see that this is not about me.
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 22, 2009 7:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
She said I was not her man now and never would be.

Quote:
Nothinig that has happened has indicated that our relationship is over.


How do you integrate these two realities in your mind?
Quote:
I am probably as healthy an individual as you'll ever encounter in here.

I'll refrain from commenting on your health if you refrain from commenting on the health of the people on this board.

... but as a wise woman said in this thread: "whatever dude"

Ivonne
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EricasGuy
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 22, 2009 11:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote="ivonne"]
Quote:
She said I was not her man now and never would be.

Quote:
Nothinig that has happened has indicated that our relationship is over.

Quote:
How do you integrate these two realities in your mind?

Because I know her. My wife said that once too...lol BTW...this lady also said these things:

"I love you"
"Let's just love eacch other"
"I wanted you to meet my parents because I see you in my future"
"I see us together in _____ in the future."
"It's like He (God) is teaching us with one mind".
"This is just like a marriage...it's what I've always dreamed of."

And a bunch more.

My mom told a guy that once also. He's now my dad and they celebrated their 50th anniversary last year.

If every man who heard a woman tell him to take a hike wimped out and did so...lots of people wouldn't be together who are. It's the nature of the beast...lol
Quote:
I am probably as healthy an individual as you'll ever encounter in here.

Quote:
I'll refrain from commenting on your health if you refrain from commenting on the health of the people on this board.

I've not done so.

I honestly don't want to go back into this. Can we please just stick to what the board rules say, specifically rules 3, 5, and 8;

3: Do not discourage anyone in any way
5: Listen and offer feedback, not advice
8: Confine yourself to the topic

That's alll I'm asking for.

Thanks... Smile
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EricasGuy
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2009 5:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The following was posted on the partners forum where this thread is running as it is here. I post it now in here as well in order to close the topic:

This topic was posted on this board 12 days ago. I asked a single question, and it amounted to asking for a simple opinion based on a set of facts that I presented. These were stated within a context that allowed only as much information as was necessary for the readership to examine these circumstantial events based on their personal experience with this issue...

"Do you THINK sexual abuse has taken place?"

I stated from the beginning in my original post, before a single poster responded to me, that I was NOT looking for advice. The rules of the board, which I read before posting here, clearly state that respondents should not be offering advice, nor should they be disputing the events that other posters represent as true, and if they doubt the truth or sincerity of another poster, the acceptable response...is NO response.

The rules were not followed however. Instead, I've been treated to a nearly non-stop torrent of people disregarding both the board's rules and my request. Most failed to even address the issue at all or did so only as part of an argumentative attempt to force me to admit to things they perceived as true...things based on a tiny fraction of information covering a single week in the life of a relationship that goes back over 2 years.

Advice was repeatedly given even after I specifically re-stated on several occasions that I was not looking for advice from people I do not know, nor will ever meet, and obviously have built no trust with. On top of that, at least two posters have attempted for some reason to make this personal. Missrepresenting and twisting my previous statements, putting words in my mouth and arrogantly attempting to tell me what my motives are, assuming they know the necessary information to draw these conclusions and even going so far as to call my own sanity into question...all based upon some perceived outrage that I dared to come here and ask for help from people I assumed would be compassionate enought to spend 5 minutes lending insight into what I dearly hope I am wrong about...something capable of causing one I love and myself considerable pain. For that crime I've been treated to the absurd legacy this thread stands in testimony to.

If you're not here to help someone...why are you here at all?

This board should be about supporting people who are going through tough situations, providing insight and valuable understanding based on using one's own missfortunes to help others. That, unfortunately...was the exact opposite of my experience here.

I have neither the time, nor the inclination to wrestle around in the mud with people who have some kind of alterior motive in their mind other than the one I just stated. I came here lookiong for answers and insight into something I fervently hope I'm wrong about.

Two individuals on this board have connected with me outside the confines of the forum and let me know they are available in helping me understand the nature of this situation. For them...I have only the utmost respect and appreciation. That has helped considerably, and these individual's kindness has made the rest of this unpleasant situation worth the trouble.

My participation in this part of this forum is over. There is little purpose in remaiining here any longer. Twelve days is more than enough time for people to decide if they wanted to assist in my understanding or not. Obviously this thread has degenerated into personal attacks and attempts to win an argument...one some people seem to think they need to engage in with a stranger who has no involvement in their personal lives. I wont' attempt to analyze the reasons for that...it would be a waste. I have my own opinions on why that is, but it makes no differnce.

To those who came alongside with sincere hearts...thank you so much for your time and consideration and I hope I'm able to return the favor to you. To those who came to this discussion without pure motives, I hope you received the satisfaction you were looking for.
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William
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2009 5:35 pm    Post subject: ***possible religious triggers***personal challenge*** Reply with quote

Ericasguy, just a note to challenge you on 1 Corinthians 13. You have promoted 1 Corinthians 13 love, required it of us on the board and then wrote impatient, unkind, demanding, demeaning and generally angry posts on a consistent basis. I will not let that stand unchallenged as that kind of behaviour is what gives "Christian" love a bad reputation. As a person who personally promotes 1 Corinthians 13 love it is very bothersome to see someone advertise it and then behave in an antagonistic fashion. If you study the topic of agape love further, you will find that it is a love that never demands from others and always gives. If you're going to push your views, live them out in front of us. Let us see your Christianity in your deeds including your words.

Yours,
William
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2009 6:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hear hear...

Ivonne
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