Could I ever get over my mom's decisions???
Goto page 1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    S&F's Forum Index -> Family Problems
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
amabelle1434
newbie 1st class
newbie 1st class


Joined: 03 Mar 2009
Posts: 11

PostPosted: Thu Mar 05, 2009 10:49 am    Post subject: Could I ever get over my mom's decisions??? Reply with quote

I know this may seem to some as an unlogical question but here is my story in short. By the way, this was initially posted in the Court section of the forum but I was told it might be good to post it here since it's also a family issue.... well here goes...

Back in 1984 through 1985 I was sexually aused by a stepfather. I was 11 and 12 at the time. I came forward and told my mother after I could not withstand it anymore. The police were notified and just as they were about to arrest him, he smelled something was up and he fled the state. A case was opened and I testified against him but not in court. I beleive it was a police station. I suppose the reason for this was to ensure that I wasn't lying ofr falsely accusing him.

The problem is that after a few weeks he began contacting my mother by mail asking to please drop the charges and that in turn he would sign over the deed of their house to her. My mother agreed!!!!! Can you beleive this?

Well he eventually returned to our city and well, life went on. I have however dealt with serious sleeping problems my entire life, I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and am currently struggling with the resentment I feel for my mother over the whole issue. He needs to be punished somehow though.

About 7 years ago, I was curious to see if the police still had this on record and they did. The detective that took my call, however, actually made me feel guilty about wanting to possibly persue charges and asked me if I was sure I wanted to press charges since the abuser was in his mid to late sixties.
I wasn't sure if this was what I really needed in order to get closure but years have gone by and I just cannot deal with the fact that he got away and is not in the predators list.

I know I can still press charges since I am the victim. My question is how complicated is this going to get and what are the exact steps this process is likely to go thru? All I want is for him to be placed on the predators list but I heard that in order for that to happen that they need to arrest him. I'm not after him doing time in prison, I just want him to be on the list so that he suffers what he did to me like I have suffered my entire life and so that others know as well. It's the least he deserves. If anyone has any opinions I am open to suggestions and advice. Please help me, I need closure.

Again, this was my initial post. Now I am seeking advice on this thread for the mother issue as well. Thanks.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Terri
Member
Member


Joined: 27 Oct 2006
Posts: 121

PostPosted: Fri Mar 06, 2009 1:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Amabelle ..... thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry you have suffered. What struck my core, triggering my heart to skip a beat .... your mom actually

    Notified police
    Pressed charges
    Removed the threat
    Established your immediate, home safety
    Divorced

Most importantly ..... she believed you

Most survivors are not that fortunate. I am inclined to think your mom protected you from the trauma of prosecution. In the 1980s victims were not protected - in fact often exploited. Children were publicly identified, forced to sit in the courtroom, face the abuser while questioned. Suffered harsh interrogations, invasive physical exams, and psychiatric testing. Do you remember the 1993 incident of Ellis Nessler shooting her son's accused molester in the courtroom on the 2nd day of trial. Apparently, the man had taunted her traumatized son the day before. Given the nature of the crime and the available legal system, do you really believe your mom traded your well-being for a house? Or, did she choose your well-being over his prosecution for the only price she could legally claim? A no-win choice either way.

Have you opened a conversation with your mom about it? Do you know what those earlier phone calls entailed? Maybe he threatened to break you down in court?
Remember just as you suffer the trauma of being a victim, your mom carries the baggage of bringing him into your life.

Have you considered the "house deed" is just the icing on the cake, frosting over the fact your mom married a man that ultimately hurt you. Parents are supposed to protect us from evil, right? Not invite it home. Just a thought ... you said your question may be "illogical" which tells me you understand the facts, perhaps, not understanding how to deal with the emotions associated with them.

Time has passed ... the 12 yr old girl shattered on the brink of womanhood is now a 30's something woman with an unresolved childhood trauma. Perspectives shift ... talk to your mom. Without an agenda, expectation, or decided outcome. Open your mind to LISTEN to her story. Breathe into the conversations like a meditation .... soft focal points, paused reflections. Give yourself time to process her journey, then begin again. This time your story ... with the same patience and respect ...

And, maybe in the middle the freeing truth shall meet ...

Terri ;o)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
amabelle1434
newbie 1st class
newbie 1st class


Joined: 03 Mar 2009
Posts: 11

PostPosted: Sat Mar 07, 2009 3:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

No need to appologize. See this is what I need objectivity and clarity which I clearly lack when I'm juggling this issue. I see my mother in a new light when I read your post in this and the other thread. However, I need that peace and objectivity in order to face the issue head on with her. I don't think I am all that ready but I will work on it. This will help me confront her with a different approach. You are right, she did a lot more that others have done. But God help me, I cannot get over the fact that still she could have also done more. It hurts so bad Terri, because I went thru a lot of pains. I could see my life and be thankful that things were not worse yet I had many other struggles in life because of my mom that I will not get into now and that will stay with me forever. This issue is just the "BIG ONE" with her. It's not only about this one thing, my resentment runs far deeper than this issue. I just need her to acknowledge the pain and neglect she has given me. Putting a roof over my head and food on the table seems to be her picture of being a good mom. There is a lot she overlooked with me as a child and adolescent. When we last sat down to talk about this issue so that I could get it off my chest and receive an appology, she made the conversation ALL ABOUT HER, and went as far as telling me that she wasn't going to have me. That I was going to be an abortion. I asked her? Why didn't you just do it because you could have saved me a lot of grief in my life? She says because I came to her in a dream saying that I would take care of her. See it's always been about her. What about taking care of me??? I get what you are saying and perhaps I need to soften my heart but it will always be me saying I'm sorry and it will always be me letting my guard down. I just don't feel like being the perfect, giving daughter she wants me to be now. That's the point I'm trying to get across. She needs me now and I just don't give a #*$#, (SORRY). I don't feel she deserves it because a mother takes care of her children. I need to work through this resentment with therapy. You must think I am crazy with my thoughts all back and forth. I feel like a mess.I'm sorry I can't go on.. I'll get back when I feel better. Thanks Terri... ....... my name is Terry too, by the way Smile

Did i say Thank you?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
amabelle1434
newbie 1st class
newbie 1st class


Joined: 03 Mar 2009
Posts: 11

PostPosted: Sat Mar 07, 2009 3:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am so sad right now because I want to love my mother so much.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ivonne
Posting Freak
Posting Freak


Joined: 09 Jun 2004
Posts: 5874
Location: the netherlands

PostPosted: Sat Mar 07, 2009 4:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Amabelle,

Quote:

I am so sad right now because I want to love my mother so much.


While I understand that you are sad, I can't help but wonder if the second part is true.

Do you really?
Do you want to love YOUR mom, the woman you have so much anger with?
Love her the way she IS, not the way you would have hoped she'd be?
Love the one who denies you the acknowledgement?
Love the one who tried to do right by you but failed miserably in your eyes?
The one you judge so harshly?
Your mom, not the ideal picture of how a mom should be but your mom, with all her issues?

She's convinced she did everything in HER power, her being who she was and is. Mom's aren't saints, they are human beings with flaws and difficulties in life. They make mistakes and given a chance they might even learn from them.

For years I wanted my mom to be something other than who she was. I wanted her to give me love and have it look a certain way. Took me years to realize that she was unable to show love in a way that I understood as love. Took me a long time even after that to understand that her expression of love was asking me if I shouldn't be on a diet and was I making enough money? She is who she is. Who am I to judge her? I didn't grow up in her day and age, when women were supposed to serve their men and never complain. I grew up in a time when women are encouraged to be selfreliant and hurray for that! That doesn't make me better than her, just different.
Not untill I learned this I could look at my mom in a different way. I can see her human frailty. I can still hate what she neglected to do, without hating here. If you really want to love your mom, stop investing in your anger and start investing in your healing.

Ivonne
_________________
We dont see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
-Anas Nin
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
Terri
Member
Member


Joined: 27 Oct 2006
Posts: 121

PostPosted: Sat Mar 07, 2009 7:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Amabelle ... what a courageous post. You shared so much .... thank you for trusting us with what is so painful. For the record, ABSOLUTELY NOT .... don't think your crazy! I was just gauging if you had tunnel vision aimed at one goal, one purpose .... or was willing to contemplate alternative perspectives ... these situations are incomprehensible at times, the more you can aclimate to each new phase ... the easier on your soul.

Have you asked your mom about therapy? Perhaps you both could find one mediator type therapist, individual and joint sessions. Emotions are never wrong or right, simply are; but d*mn they can mess with our objectivity. A joint therapist could tie the gaps on healthy issues together and individually target coping/recovery for the unhealthy expectations we harbor.

I hope continue to share your journey ... in a few posts you have addressed so many issues ... I truly commend your spirit!!!

For what it's worth .... ;o)
Terri
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
amabelle1434
newbie 1st class
newbie 1st class


Joined: 03 Mar 2009
Posts: 11

PostPosted: Sun Mar 08, 2009 8:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Deep down inside I do want to love her more, I mean who doesn't want to adore their mom and have a great mother daughter relationship? It's something that should come naturally for both of us. It's sad for this to be going on but I've never been tolerant of injustice. I stand up for peple all the time because I've always been a very fair person. I know how to seperate my anger from logic but it doesn't make sense to me how she could not possibly recognize all of the mistakes and negative situations she put me in and I'm not only referring to the "BIG" issue. I have a concience as a mother and I know the difference between right and wrong. At times it just seemed as if she didn't even acknowledge my presence. I'm telling you, she didn't really want to keep me and ended up doing so for her benefit. It will have to take a true change in her in order for me to see her differently and perhaps it will take time and therapy may be the solution. I just don't have very high expectations because we've been dealing with this for many years and this recent blow up for over a week now and after multiple conversations with me and my sister she still refuses to acknowledge that she did any wrong, giving all sorts of excuses. Her words are" How could I have remorse over anything if I don't feel that I have done anything wrong? I had needs as a single mother and I liked going out with friends, etc... All mothers do that!" No, not ALL mothers do that! Some mothers live for their children and worry about what they expose their children to. Whatever!!!! I have spoken to her about therapy and she agreed to go whenever she comes into town. She now lives in N.C. and comes back down to FL every 2-3 months for doctor appointments and commitments so I wil begin the process so that the therapist gets to know me and she will join in on a few sessions whenever she's in town.

But look I am getting a bit carried away ranting on and on and as much as I want to see this with a clear perspective, I am not capable of doing so because I am so confused and I've learned to bottle a lot up but I've never had the opprtunity to let it out constructively. Thank you guys for all your help and don't worry I will be fine, I am very resilient and as soon as this gets better I will be returning with happier news.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ivonne
Posting Freak
Posting Freak


Joined: 09 Jun 2004
Posts: 5874
Location: the netherlands

PostPosted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 9:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's okay to ramble and vent... it is one of the many uses of this forum Smile

I hope the therapy thing works out for you.

Ivonne
_________________
We dont see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
-Anas Nin
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
lightandsound
Junior Member
Junior Member


Joined: 20 Feb 2009
Posts: 58

PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 2:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I cannot offer your advice because I am not an American so it would be different!

My "mother" sided with "father" throughout the whole time and put all the blame on to me!

Recently I had to write a letter to her and told her how she treated her own mother. She had left grandma sitting in her own urine! All the response I got was: it was a good thing she went into a home!

Father is now in a mental hospital and is in his 60's. I do not care about him and will not be going to his funeral, which I have told everyone!

It is true in your case that you mum did believe you!

I hope you find the kind of advice that will help you.

Suzanne
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Plain-Jane
Junior Member
Junior Member


Joined: 07 Aug 2009
Posts: 37

PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2009 8:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Amabelle, I am sorry this happened to you.

Your mother, sounds like my mother.... except my mother didn't press charges or divorce my step dad, despite all the horrible stuff he did. She chose him over me, every time. She never believed me... never.

I wish my mother was in my life as well, it kills me that I don't have a loving mother... she is alive and well, but I've not talked to her in 2 years. Last I knew, she was contacting my step dad and wanting to get back together with him - they divorced finally about 8 years ago... much to late to save me.

Good luck with whatever you decide.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    S&F's Forum Index -> Family Problems All times are GMT + 4 Hours
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group