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Has anyone struggled with promiscuity/casual sex issues?
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PaneraBread
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 7:25 am    Post subject: Has anyone struggled with promiscuity/casual sex issues? Reply with quote

This might sound weird and I know it's hard to talk about, b/c girls get looked down on for being promiscuous. But, I gravitated towards the extreme where I wanted sex constantly while growing up, I broadcasted myself as only being worth for sex (acted seductive at a young age, bragged about sex, acted sexually aggressive towards men), and I preferred casual encounters over long-term relationships.

My step-dad (the sexual abuser) NEVER taught me that you save sex with a man that you truly love. He taught me that sex is a casual thing that you can do with anyone, and he even told me that he wanted me to behave like the women in porn magazines. When I was in long-term relationships, I would feel sexually dead b/c I was so used to having a "cheap thrill." I even thought about getting into the sex industry, b/c I saw nothing wrong with it (now, I know it's not healthy to get in it).

I have decided to become abstinent UNTIL I find someone I'm in love with, so I can experience what healthy, loving meaningful sex is (instead of how my step-dad taught me that it's just a fun sport that you get over with). Right now, I'm extremely angry at how my step-dad programmed me to be some little sex toy. All what it has done is attract the wrong men, and it has given me a bad reputation while growing up. My step-dad NEVER warned me to stay away from such males who would treat me like a sub-human and expect me to give them sex whenever they wanted, nor did he say that acting like a porn star would cause me to be ostracized. He even bought me a condom at 13 saying it was okay to have casual sex. He taught me that behaving like Jenna Jameson was what brings you love and attention.

I want someone who loves me and respects me for who I am, so I want to stay abstinent until I find that person.


I would just like to find more people to talk to about this. If I post this on other forums, I'm scared people will call me a slut, assume I have diseases (I don't),hit on me trying to get some, or encourage me to keep on having casual sex to feel "liberated."


If any other women or men are going through something similar, please feel free to PM me. I didn't find any topics on promiscuity.
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 2:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Promiscuity is one of the many forms the reaction to abuse can take.

I've had a period in my life where I would willingly go with men and basically re-enact the abuse, meaning I would have meaningless sex with them without thinking twice.

Quiting sex alltogether wasn't my way. I got married to a woman and our sexlife was good at first but petered out because it was triggering me later.

I told my therapist that I wanted sex to be a part of my life. I didn't want him to have robbed me of a "normal" sexlife. I learned about what I want and what I don't want.

Since then I met a man and two years later a woman with whom I have a wonderful loving relationship. I don't want to have just one partner as this feels unnatural to me. I don't mess around though. I'm more faithful than I ever thought I could be to both my partners.

I seem to remember you being here before. Were you?

Ivonne
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phoenix soul
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 4:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i was as my mother put it a jezable, which is an old fashioned way to say w h o r e which i was. i even got paid for it. if not in money than in drugs or cars or cloths, whatever i wanted i got. i went out with 8 guys at a time one for every night and a backup in case one was busy but i switched guys every 2 weeks. i never was in a commited relationship. they bored me they were dull and uninterested. and the strange part was if i really cared about the guy i didn't have s*x with him i only had it with the ones who meant nothing to me. my problem now is with Onyx i love him with all my heart and soul but i just can't seem to bring myself to have s*x with him, every once in a while about once every couple of months. it's like part of my thinking is falling into my old pattern. i care to much about him to have s*x with him. i haven't tried to explain this to him, maybe i should. sorry i'm taking over your tread but what you said made me think and it's putting some pieces of my own puzzle together and i'm talking to myself out loud in your tread sorry. Onyx by the way is my live in bf who is also a member here. maybe i'll have him read this instead of talking to him about it, i have such a hard time talking about s*x i can't even type the word out. but anyways yeah i've been where you were i know of a few other survivors who have also been there. you're not alone in this.

phoenix
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runningfast
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 28, 2008 3:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Panera,

I too was taught like you to become a slave to sex. Because my body was so young when I had my first response to sex psychologically I wasn't ready and had no clue what happened. Unfortunately I sought it out after that. I figured I had to have sex so I might as well get some pleasure out of it. Well he caught me moving just right one day and from that day on he even tried to make it about me. A 10 year old. I was allowed to choose the positions I WANTED to have sex in. My guilt just kept compounding.

After I was out of his house I sought out partners. Never long term and more so that I could feel like I was the user not the used. Oh the guys wanted it. I didn't force anyone but I was never committed like they thought.

I am married now. There are still times when I measure our relationship by how much sex we have. My husband doesn't know the details of my abuse just that I was abused. The biggest problem for me is that after I don't want my husband touching me.

It is very hard to stay abstinent after you have been used and abused but I am here cheering you on.
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PaneraBread
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 8:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the replies guys. I have been successfully PHYSICALLY abstinent, but I have sent racy messages to guys online just for the "Thrill." Embarassed Someone told me that's still part of the sex addiction.... Embarassed

I have been tempted to "give in", but I remind myself that it's not what I promised myself to do.I've definitely been happier and feeling wholesome after being abstinent, so that's a good incentive to keep me going. My last casual sex relationship was AWFUL. I was with a verbally abusive FWB, and I felt so numb doing it with him..like I was just letting him use my body and couldn't escape even though I didn't enjoy it. I'm so glad that's over. I sure as heck don't want to get into another casual sex relationship, b/c I don't want to attract a guy like him again.

Anyways, I hope people don't think that someone like me can't change. I want to have sex with someone that I love as a whole, and I will work towards it. Wink
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YankeeBob
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 19, 2009 11:55 am    Post subject: Understanding oneself Reply with quote

Thanks for the lady who started this topic. Your courage, honesty and openness are remarkable.

I go to a 12 Step Program for men and women who suffer sexual addiction.

Its now the end of my 7th year in this program.

The people who started these programs often got sober in AA, then discovered an underlying obsessive compulsive pattern that involved sex.

Anyhow, though I have learned to be abstinent for lengths of time in my marriage ( the woman I have married knows I go to my program on Wed nights and why I do ), I am still aware that there is an "excitement" or emotional/psychological intrigue that can develop with strangers, strange woman.

I get this sensation in my upper chest and arms. It is pleasurable and will replace any other feelings ( emptiness, sadness, boredom ) faster than a speeding bullet.

Now using a word to describe a feeling is always a challenge. Because the word I use may not "connect" with someone else.

In any case I can relate to the lady who spoke of an emotional kick from sending emails or text messages to a stranger.

Thanks for letting me share.
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lightandsound
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 2:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, i definitely have that problem! I have committed adultery once in my marriage and did not feel sorry at the time! I am a dreadful flirt; my poor husband has to put up with a lot. I like dressing sexy, but when my husband touches me, I just fold up inside!

When I was growing up, I used to sneak into "the parents" room and steal father's porn magazines.

I like talking about sex, but also feel deeply embarrassed by it.

I could nor walk past a boy or man, without going bright red - knowing what happens!

Now, sometimes I get real sexual feelings and crave for hard porn which I find very easy on the internet! For a while, I enjoy watching man and woman performing and to see what they do and they reactions! I have not done this now for about 3 months and don't intend to again.

I am so full of contridictions! My husband says that he does not understand how one moment I crave it, then the next moment I am repulsed and yet he knows about my past! That makes me scream inside!

Even when we make love, I don't feel completely there and hate it when I start to feel sexy, but cannot get a fulfillment!!

Father made me feel very inferior. He used to mock me for not staying in bed with him and used to compare me to my sisters.

He also made us stand in a line and put pennies between our legs to see if we had straight legs!

He at one time kissed each of us in turn and then said that one of my sisters was the best kisser and would get the boys! To this day, when I kiss, I put my all into it!

Sorry if any of this is a trigger!

You are not the only one! I know exactly what you are going through.
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peacesignsandsmiles
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PostPosted: Fri May 01, 2009 6:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

There was about 6 months that I slept with any guy that I could. I never felt okay with sex and I always thought that it was the guys that I was with. I didnt think it was my problem. I thought that I could find the guy that would make it okay. But I never found that guy. It took a lot of break ups and one night stands the realize that the pronlem was with me. So yeah I think it happens just for different reasons that normal people. I had sex not for fun but to fix my broken parts.
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PaneraBread
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Light and sound,

I'm the same when it comes to feeling very aroused and then not wanting to be touched the next minute. A lot of survivors go through this, especially when you grew up in a house with mixed messages! I had my step-dad encouraging me to be a sex slave, whereas my mom was telling me to stay away from it.


My exes also gave me mixed messages. They would tell me I'm stupid and desperate for having a high sex drive, BUT put me down for not wanting to be their f*ck buddy. Obviously, things that like will affect you....
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ElenSmithee
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 12:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi, I'm new here, and I was never aware that this was a universal problem. I grew up in a house where I pretty much learned that flirting was fine if you didn't mean it. I'm not sure when the abuse started, but I always had prickly heat on my genitals--even in winter--which went unexplained for years and only stopped when my mother and I left my father.

I have the strange behaviour of being turned on by men, but as soon as the act begins, I completely shut off. Sometimes I actually black out and come to doing things completely out of character for me. The whole situation was made worse last year when I had a mild seizure with my boyfriend and he took the opportunity to "backdoor" me, which I protested was rape. I was incredibly hurt by that (not just emotionally) because I thought I loved him and he me.

Perhaps it's a blessing, then, that some new medications I'm on for manic-depression and PTSD have almost eradicated my sex drive. Confused
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