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this post is an expression of anger that has nowhere to go
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i should not say things like this outloud just cause i feel bad
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lost ID
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Joined: 25 Nov 2007
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 4:29 am    Post subject: this post is an expression of anger that has nowhere to go Reply with quote

!!!!!!!!!!!!!many triggers in this post, if you cant stand yelling dont continue reading!!!!!!!!!!







I am : extremely angry and jealous and god knows what else( lots of triggers sorry be careful reading)

I am steaming mad, and i have never spoken of ir before but i am gonna do it now!!!! i had to go a party tonight with the ppl with ppl i went to highschool with, just a small group of 7 pll at most that are still in touch. I am sitting there and alll these ppl I still e mail and call and help out, one of which is my neighbour who i shop for when she cant
and i realise everybody is talking to each other about things i dont know about
they gourmet together , had a poker club and my neighbour and back then dear friend they were making cute voices at each other and they meet ever week! then ask me how I am more then once ever six!!!!!!!!!!

god #*$#, why do i get let out??? i mean is it because i dont date? cause they want to hang out together talk about their boy friends and girlfriends

well guess what I didnt chose to alone so long!!!!! i just ended up way!

I mean why me again? I am always nice to others, i was never mean before these few months m to anybody, yet I am never the one they meet with ever week, or plan their vacation with

I am angry at everybody for showing each other more warmed then me! i know somewhere that is wrong but i cant keep it in no longer
I have thought it so often, and always find myself outside the group
and yea sure probably my fault
I think wrong huh? they dont mean it that way? I have had it!!! I am this because somebody went around taking my ability to trust away from me but didnt have the decency to kill me after! no!! way more fun to let live and trough years alone!!! you wanna try how feelsÖ.god dam world out there? see how long you can stand it to feel this before you wanna do away with it all!!!

no mather how good friend i am to somebody , nobody ever wants to keep me!!!!!!!!!!!!
they never like me as much as they like each other with their little hugs and touches
what am I trash? i think i try harder then most other but i never get be with them, briljant!

you know how bad that feels,

they keep in touch with each other but not with me
and then what answer do I get when I try to say it, in the softest words that i have just looking for a bit of comfort ? it just not the way we see these kind of things!!!
how about seeing it the way I do? the world isnt yours alone i was born in it too. i didnt ask for it but i did!!!

I am angry that i have to live like this and nobody else has to feel any pain over it, i didnt cause this, never had the change too!!! and I am angry all words i can put down cant change it and or express half of the pain
i know i have to hold out hope for my life and i know i always will but right i wish i could disappear
all thou that might not mather to anybody either

I am in pain and i wish others were to and makes me a terrible person, i wish i was good but now i have to express this anger
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iwasfour
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Joined: 02 Nov 2007
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Location: Clevland, Ohio

PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 8:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ID
Hey warm hugs.
I've been on the outside looking in.
it doesn't feel good its frustrating and hurtful and painful and somethings that you are so right the words just aren't there to describe it all.
Here are some warm hugs for you and gentle caring thoughts from me.
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ivonne
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Joined: 09 Jun 2004
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Location: the netherlands

PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 3:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's allright to scream and express your anger here... in fact, I highly reccommend it!

hugs if you need them

Ivonne
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we see them as we are.
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lost ID
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 4:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

strangest thing, after writing all of this last night, i could sleep deep for time in atleast a week
ok with a nightmare but that just seem to be part of deep sleep
and i felt good getting up
now that I am back here typing replies i feel overwhelmed again so am gonna go for a little while be back when i feel good enough to talk
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 4:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, i dont kow what to say about that but I can say one thing. I am you friend and I want to keep you. Will you let me?
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Almost scary isn't it?
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ivonne
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Joined: 09 Jun 2004
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Location: the netherlands

PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 8:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The part of you that is begging for expression has found a voice here. It seems natural also, and is common, that you feel overwhelmed reading the reply's. Take your time, you're doing very well. Taking your time is taking good care of yourself.

Ivonne
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we see them as we are.
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lost ID
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 10:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i stayed in tonight i was suppose to go to late sinterklaas celebration but i just couldnt get myself to go. i feel like i could cry all night and still feel just as sad as before
i am being torn apart between wanting to just talk and talk and not not knowing a single word to express myself

what a night...
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lost ID
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2007 1:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ok fine I know itís a trust thing, if I hadnít let him do what he did to me, I would trust others more and I wouldnít be feeling so bad when I see them pay more attention to others than to me.
but that doesnít account for why I am always the one ppl do like but never stick with or do things with when they donít have to

or has it always been so that ppl could tell.?! that would just make it double cruel that everybody just left it this way so I had to get to this point !! I am mean do you have to run around bleeding from your head or god knows where before someone thinks to.,.. does something

yea sure I have responsibility in helping myself but I just remember what the hell made me this way. so that is pretty hard ainít

and right now I fear I can not change myself from what I have always been
and never wanted to be,
and that Iíll spend my whole life essentially alone
if that is what is gonna happen then whatís the use in trying to make myself feel happy?
I might as well just in bed or where-ever I can hide without getting hurt more
I donít see it right now

that what i had say , but am not sure it helps, it wont make anybody like me for sure.
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2007 3:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
if I hadnít let him do what he did to me, I would trust others more


The question is: Do you truly believe you had a choice?

I don't know the details of what was done to you, but my sense of it is that you had no choice in the matter. If it's okay to ask, how old were you when things happened? When he did what he did to you?

Ivonne
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we see them as we are.
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lost ID
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Posts: 410

PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2007 3:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i was in groep 6-7-8 (= dutch for school grades, primary school dont know which) dont remember my age
i could have done something i was old enough
even if i couldnt do something, it's easier the saying..the other thing

but he touched me and hurt me and that's all i know for sure


Last edited by lost ID on Sun Dec 09, 2007 2:09 am; edited 1 time in total
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