What is it?

[Lost_alone_within_myself]

What exactly is re victimization?

[ivonne]

It's when you find out that even though you are sometimes grown to adulthood, you're unconsiously looking to reproduce the experiences you had as a child. It is a result of a mixed up, perverted way of seeing love.

Many survivors have found themselves in (physically) abusive relationships, or have had times of promiscuity and even prostitution. Also, because the childs sexuality was prompted at such an early age, quite often the survivor is highly sexed in non-loving relationships and sex is minimal to absent in loving relationships. Some parts of that are a replay of the abuse.

Kind of, sort of...

Ivonne
_________________
We don’t see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
–-Anaîs Nin

[Gregory]

As it was put to me by one of my doctors, abuse victims have a distorted sense of love and sex. The only attention many of us received as children was the abuse. The abuse almost has a comfort level for me as an adult; it is what I know and "think" I understand. I know I often find "normal" feelings hard to understand and deal with, and have an inner desire to seek out abuse. It is almost as if my body can only feel and respond to pain.

The only boyfriend I ever felt cared for me was the one that physically and emotional abused me. I have been living with the same man for 5+ years now and often wish he would abuse me just so I could feel "something." It is as if I feel dead inside emotionally.

[Taubah]

i can relate ...wow...
_________________
Parched. dry. i run-
across your soul.
the faceless me i chase,
voiceless and untold.
~Taubah

[tuliptorn]

Ok am I revictimizing myself when I come here or other message boards to communicate and support my fellow survivors?


tt

[ivonne]

no, I would say not. Revictimization means you seek out similar circumstances like before, and act out. Like you fall for a much older person and he's domineering. Or you are heavily into Masochisme. Or feeling unworthy you allow people to tread all over you.

You seek out situations that confirm the image of reality that you had when you were little.

Ivonne
_________________
We don’t see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
–-Anaîs Nin

[tuliptorn]

Thanks Ivvone, that does make sense, but I'm having some trouble chewing that info right now. I just left a msg board that was not good for me. Some people were really getting out of hand of course in my opinion. One had a link to you tube regarding SI. Remember I SI which has been a REAL prob. It just was triggering for me. I understand what survivor's who SI go through I do, really,really do. I just wanted a soft safe place to fall. But...gee whiz.


Sorry if I OFFENDED anyone, just here to seek counsel and support from my comrades - whom I care for.
I understand it not all about me, but I'm the only one taking care of me, so ya know.

[YankeeBob]

Hi my name is Bob, and I am a recoverying sex addict. This means I go to a 12 Step Meeting for men and women who are trying to stop their compulsive sexual behaviour, and shut down/reduce/starve their sexual thinking.

the men and women I have met in my program ( and others in the town I live in here in Australia ) who talk about this issue often mention following points:

1) At an early age they learned from the abusers "wrong" signals about sex. Sex was conveyed as normal behaviour, that there was nothing wrong with it, and that "if you want friends then offer them sex".

Several gay men arrive in my program having had this "programming from a parent or relative" and then 30 plus years of compulsive behaviour.

2) Once they stop acting out, stop being compulsive with strangers....they talk about an issue called "abandonment".

That is they were "dumped" by the parent....just as we would throw away an empty coke bottle, or chocolate wrapper.

3) There is a hole, a wound...each of call it something different which we may have used sex to medicate.

But like any addict....the more we used ( the more it escalated ) the less we felt. So we needed more and more of our drug to cope with life.

For me, at the end of my addiction cycle sex meant nothing. The only feeling I was getting was from the chase, the intrigue of hooking up with someone else.

4) tuliptorn there are two themes taught to people in 12 Step Programs for sexual addiction called "triggers" and "boundaries".

A trigger can be a memory , or an emotional state that sets off our use of some obsessive thinking linked with compulsive behavior. For me this only became apparent in the second year of learning about myself ( as a 53 year old man at the time ).

I came to realise that if I was bored, tired, or lonely that I was emotionally ready to resort to intrigue to get a "high".

A boundary is a self imposed area that an addict decides never to cross.

For example an alcoholic in their first year of trying to get sober will never go into a pub ( aussie speak for a bar ) to buy a sandwich.

Or a gambling addict will never go into a casino to have a softdrink.

Similarly someone with a compuslive sexual behavior might decide either
1) Never go into a brothel, or never drive down the street that a brothel is in,

2) never go onto the internet ( say if porn or sexual liasion with strangers is a pattern ) when alone for the first year.

or

3) Never stay in bed after 730 am in the morning ( if they are compulsive masterbators ).

Why ? Well to do so ...to cross these boundaries...would result in a ritual of thinking linked with feelings linked with behaviour that always leads to the same outcome.

If you want to read more on this subject do look at Patrick Carnes book "Out of the Shadows".

Take care. Be well.
_________________
Courage to Change

[gomez000123]

nice post