Forgiving the abuser

Roseless · Posted: Tue Jul 18, 2006 1:47 am Post subject: Forgiving the abuser

Just kinda wondering how you are supposed to forgive the abuser. I know it would take a lot for me to be abe to do that. But my question is how easily can you forgive them and how?
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It's gonna be alright,
it's gonna be okay
just hold on tight
and let it all go away. - Melissa Etheridge, Mercy

ivonne · Posted: Tue Jul 18, 2006 4:06 am Post subject:

It's not easy, it's never been easy... however I have made it a point to learn about my abusers life and the way he was raised and such. I've made it a point to keep seeing him as a human being.

It's easy to judge someone on the basis of their actions. Easier still if they are persisting in their actions, as my abuser almost certainly is.

I truly feel that if I were to totally demonize my abuser and deny his humanity, I would do myself a disservice. That would make him wrong and me right. But how then would I be able to deal with the things I did wrong? How would I forgive myself for the things I've done that weren't up to code?

Ivonne
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we see them as we are.
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Tgrrr10 · Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2006 5:42 am Post subject:

That's an interesting point you make Ivonne

ivonne · Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2006 10:47 am Post subject:

I think it is difficult to talk about intent. On my own infractions: I've done stuff that wasn't right, but did I know it at the time?

Forgiveness, in my mind, is not about the size of the infraction, it's about recognizing you can do bad things and still be human.

I remember my brother hit me at one point. I also remember that I didn't look him in the eye for six months after that. I also remember forgiving him. It I had known how good that felt, I would have forgone the 6 months punishment.

Wasn't it Jesus who said: "forgive them for they know not what they do?"

Ivonne
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We don’t see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
–-Anaîs Nin

baypoint · Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2006 12:03 pm Post subject:

That was the disciple Stephen, just before he was stoned to death...but the point is a valid one...

Tgrrr10 · Posted: Thu Jul 20, 2006 5:35 am Post subject:

I see where you're coming from. Not one to really base things on what was said in the Bible though Smile

Tend to find it contridictory at times. I hear what you're saying Ivonne, forgiveness does you better than hoilding a grudge, still say it's not something that needs to happen or even a goal to work towards. I guess I just find that people can "not mean" to do something or not even know the consequences of their actions, but what if they do? I guess growing up in a society where the rule of just because you are ignorant to a rule doesn't mean it doesn't apply to you exsists. I'm talking basic traffic rules. Neighboring states may have different laws, we are not exempt to those laws just because we don't know them. Not saying there shouldn't be a learning curve in life and to err is human. Just pondering over the responsibilty one has to one owns actions. If someone never takes ownership of what they did and they don't learn from it, do we pardon them? (For the sake of debate Smile

T
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ivonne · Posted: Thu Jul 20, 2006 5:26 pm Post subject:

Ah, there is a difference between pardonning someone and forgiving them...

Forgiving is recognizing that we are all human and prone to make mistakes. The size of the mistakes doesn't matter, in my mind.
Pardonning someone means you exonorate them. That's well and good when someone has an awareness of what they've done and how this has hurt you. A pardon is a "get out of jail free" card.

Forgiveness is the key to the prison.

You see, as much at it hurt me that my brother hit me, the six months I spent in vengence hurt me more. I doubt if to this day he realizes how much he hurt me by hitting me like that. I doubt if he even remembers. The struggle for forgiveness is not about him. Never was...

Ivonne

p.s. I'm not much on biblequotes, but I do seem to remember Jesus on the cross, his last words to his father being: "Forgive them for they know not what they do"... Could it be that Catholics have a different bible?
Anyway, regardless of who spoke it, I think forgiveness doesn't include a pardon, it is about not standing in judgement over someone else. "There but for the grace of God go I", kind of feeling... (grin... for an atheist I sure know my bible-misquotes)
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We don’t see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
–-Anaîs Nin

Heretic_Ang3L · Junior Member Joined: 18 Mar 2005 Posts: 60

I voted no. Forgiving is for yourself, not necessarily the other person. I do not have to forgive in order to come to terms with things (as best as I can).

To me forgiveness is a degree of excusing the behavior.

Roseless · Posted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 6:30 pm Post subject:

that's a good point...
_________________
It's gonna be alright,
it's gonna be okay
just hold on tight
and let it all go away. - Melissa Etheridge, Mercy

Jane_R · Posted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 5:37 am Post subject:

I voted no also. I dont' think my definition of forgiveness is maybe the same as Ivonne's. These days I am not feeling stuck in anger or stuck in memories. In fact I can feel that I love my abuser (my father), but at the same time I don't feel I forgive him. I don't think it's forgivable for a parent to abuse a child, even if he had a rotten childhood or whatever.

Jane