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Moving On Without Forgiving
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Is it possible to heal completely without forgiving the abuser?
yes
66%
 66%  [ 22 ]
no
33%
 33%  [ 11 ]
Total Votes : 33

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tuliptorn
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Joined: 17 Jul 2008
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 8:01 pm    Post subject: Re: Is forgiveness necessary for healing? Reply with quote

Francis Joseph Cassavant wrote:

I contend that forgiveness of a perpetrator is impossible. Forgiveness, with its connotative significance, is precluded. An offender may, after genuine contrition and reparation, forgive himself, but it is not within the sphere of actuality for the survivor to do so.
Healing happens as we come to understand our innocence, our complete absence of culpability. Forgiveness of the offender, regardless of relationship,
is a chimera.


I tend to agree with this. Part of the reason I've been away sooo long is I thought I had forgiven my dad, least to some extent. However when he came to live w us. Forgiveness went down the crapper like piss in the wind. I think this was the "chimera" of which you speak, to me.

have found the only way forgiveness(in some cases) is accidental obtained through me, is by finding out what,why and how it happened in the first place, and who is really to blame. (BTW wasn't me.)

Also I cannot leave God out in my journey for forgiveness, I believe only he can truly forgive and allow me through him to be able to do that. (Sorry if that did not make sense)
No matter how much I forgive, I must also believe there are consequence for people's actions, even mine.

just putting my shilling in Smile
tt
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Meena
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Joined: 08 Jul 2008
Posts: 58

PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 1:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I guess it was easier to forgive the guy who hurt me because he knew he was wrong in his heart, he left me a drunken voicemail late one night apologising but it did not prevent him doing it again.

I walked away and he allowed our friends to think I was an awful person who didn't care about them.

I forgave the person for his weakness but not the act or the inability to address the problem. He saw my forgiveness as a weakness and acted again.

Can I change the question to 'How can we forgive and have it understood that the action is wrong and behaviour must change?'

Sometimes people are grateful to be forgiven for their acts and change their behaviour. With this type of behaviour, it is instinctive and deep within the subconscious and so seems to the perpetrator as natural which makes admitting they did wrong a problem.

Take a child who grew up on the streets who is often hungry. The child is driven by natural hunger and is overcome by hunger to steal food. The child does not see that this is a problem because without they would not survive and they have strong biological messages to survive. Sex is another human need driven biologically. If we learn how to obtain sex wrongly, then we are more likely to repeat that pattern. I pity the world that allows a child to develop wrongly. I pity the victim of that grown child. I pity the victim who must live overcoming the events who must always compensate with good behaviour for the wrong done to them. It makes them twice as brave and honourable then the average person.

But, you know, there are no Gold Medals for finishing the race with a broken leg alongside the normal runners. You know it and I know it and we must chalk it up to the kind of world we want to live in.
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dream
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 11:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I dont believe I could ever forgive, but I stopped hateing him.....for myself not him!
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fenris
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 7:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The only way I can conceive forgiveness that makes any sense to me is simply the ability to stop wishing ill to the person who's hurt me. Not saying it's okay, it's NOT okay. Not saying I'm going to forget what's happened, I'll never forget that. And not saying I'm ever going to trust the person again - they're obviously not trustworthy. It's simply not tying up my energy in being angry at them. In a way it's the ultimate put-down - they're worth so little to me that I won't even waste a good hate on them.

fenris
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Rosie
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Joined: 30 Aug 2006
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 3:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy Nice. Wish I could do that.
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Almost scary isn't it?
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Wishing
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Joined: 29 Dec 2008
Posts: 43
Location: Northwestern USA

PostPosted: Tue Dec 30, 2008 9:58 am    Post subject: Opens So Many Wounds T? doubt it Reply with quote

just so you know, any thing can trigger some body











so stop if it becomes difficult for you







As some may know, I am a mutiple perp survivor
my mother when I was 3 SA - sexual assault,
a neighbor when I was 5 SA,
4 girls when I was 13 SA,
my f**king "therapist" when I was 17, I WAS A F**KING MINOR!!! sorry SA,
my cousins lover when I was 32 SA.

I was beaten by my father, but for me that was so minor that it doesn't count. Why? Because every bruise, all the cuts, all the broken bones have healed.

Forgive? NEVER!!! Every single time the perp was very aware of what they were doing! Most threatened me. Some showed what they would do. Forgive those two that I was supposed to be able to trust? No, that is not going to happen.

Forgive myself? They told me that I was bad, or that I wanted it. I must have, because:
I did go to the neighbor when he called.
I got in the van with the girls when they offered me a "ride".
I went with my "therapist" when he was going to take me home (yeah, his home, where he ra..... me Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad !!!).

So you see, it was my fault. God I'm so broken.
"All the king's horses and all the king's men,
couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again."
But I have to ask, "Who the hell would want the internal prison that they gave me a sentence to?" Crying or Very sad .
So broken.

I have to stop now because I am becoming numb and I know what happens when that happens.
*sighs*

Wishing
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Hurting52284
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 01, 2009 4:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have tried to forgive my brother for what he did to me and what he allowed his friends to do to me. He said he was sorry ONCE, besides that he acts as if nothing happened. When I told my family he lied and lied while I was trying to kill myself every other week. He let me go through it alone, He allowed me to blame myself. He never tried to help when I was in so much pain. Now I'm so angry with him and GOD. He did finally tell the truth but has never allowed me to deal with it. He tries to fix me from the way I dress, talk, hairstyle, tattoos ect. I donít need him to help me now, I needed him to tell the truth in 05 so my other brother didnít turn his back on me or so I didnít try to kill myself. He doesn't see that 90% of the reasons I'm so angry, silent, bitter, ect is because of what HE did to me. Thereís much more to my story but for me I wish nothing bad on my brother, becaue I feel if I do he will keep winning. As far as a relationship or pretending like I care about him one bit; NO never, He means nothing to me.

I think you can heal without forgiving the other person because I have not forgiving my brother. I have forgiven myself, because it wasnít my fault, I didnít ask for this to happen. I do pray for my brother because I hope one day he can see the true errors of his ways and get help. Mad
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Wishing
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Joined: 29 Dec 2008
Posts: 43
Location: Northwestern USA

PostPosted: Thu Jan 01, 2009 6:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. Shocked

I read through just shaking my head and also nodding now and then.
You are stronger than me, even I can see that, and I hope a day come that I can be as strong. Maybe, perhaps, idk Confused .

Just Wishing
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Hurting52284
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 01, 2009 6:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I hope that will happen for you! Very Happy I have to be strong because if I'm not he wins over and over! I will not allow him to control my life anymore. I do fear that I will become weaker once I start counseling, feelings I didn't even know I had will arise! I do pray to instead of becoming weak I become stronger and a fighter because of what has happen to me. I use to be sad and hurt myself but not anymore I'm angry and fighting back. In due time that will happen for you... I'm broken but not dead hurting but at least I feel, unlike before when I was numb...

I'm not pushing God on anyone, but for me with out him I would not have made it as far as I have. This happen for a reason and God will us it for the good and I hope I can help or save someone from the pain I have felt.

I hope you find strength, and you know that everything will be okay in due time.

GOD BLESS
-hurting-
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lightandsound
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Joined: 20 Feb 2009
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 2:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I voted yes, because I am living it at the moment!

Father is in a mental home (his own doing). I do not have anything to do with him because he makes me feel sick. I also heard that he has been sexual with others around him. I am just surprised when my sister related this to me and told me that mother did not see anything in that!

I will never forgive him in this life for what he has done to me. I also do not forgive mother, as yet for her role, yet despite that, I am known to be a happy person with a smile all the time!

I have a lovely home in France with my husband and animals and I do not feel guilty for not forgiving. To me, forgiving takes on a form of me taking blame and I am not to blame.
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