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Moving On Without Forgiving
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Is it possible to heal completely without forgiving the abuser?
yes
66%
 66%  [ 22 ]
no
33%
 33%  [ 11 ]
Total Votes : 33

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Lost_alone_within_myself
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 11:51 pm    Post subject: Moving On Without Forgiving Reply with quote

Is forgiveness a necessity to move on with your life when it comes to sexual abuse?
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esmerelda
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My experience is that if you can't forgive the abuser, then start by forgiving yourself that you are to blame for the abuse. The blame rests soley on the abuser. Self blame will get you nowhere, it will in fact slow down the healing process. This is hard to do, forgiving yourself, being kind and loving toward yourself. So don't give up on yourself, just work at it a little at a time. It is not the destination that counts it's the journey. Enjoy the scenery on the way. Esmerelda Wink Laughing Smile
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 2:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I voted no, mostly because, well I couldn't do it without forgiving him. That doesn't mean I have told him so, he's not shown any sign of regret or willingness to face up to what hurt he's caused.

The thing is, in my heart of hearts I had to forgive him or there'd be that stain on my heart forever.

It's not the first step in healing, in fact, it comes after a long line of forgiveness of the self and well, parents and bystanders... but it was the final step to setting myself free.

Ivonne
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 3:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I vote no. As long as you forgive yourself for anything you have done. Like if you hold it against yourself. If you can forgive yourself for all of those feelings and be your own best friend then you can move on without forgiving the abuser. I know I won't forgive him. He refuses to tell the truth about what he has done to me. He wont tell them "I raped her". He's not man enough to do it. Therefore, i wont forgive him. But, I forgive myself and have moved on a bit. It'll be ok hun.
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kindofshad
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 3:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't know how to vote on this one...
Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, but I can hardly get up for myself let alone forgive. Maybe I am looking at it as a pardon, when that's not the case. Because I choose not to pardon my abusers. I guess forgiveness is what you do when you just can't keep hating yourself anymore.

Not close to a cigar on that one. Sad
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twofiftynine
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PostPosted: Mon May 28, 2007 11:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I believe that forgiving is moving on. It is not forgetting, and it is not trusting - it just moving on. I don't believe you have to tell the person you forgive them. I do believe that a big part of healing is forgiveness, if only forgiving yourself.

Forgiving doesn't make it better: but it makes it possible to get better. When someone holds a grudge - then they are concentrating on the hurt, and are bitter: if they let themselves let go of the grudge then they may be able to get on with life again.

I tend to agree with ivonne's well placed words about there being a stain on her heart if she didn't forgive.
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aphrael
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 11:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i am far from being completely healed, but i dont see how u can forgive some one of that unless the circumstances are very extreme for them. My example of that being that when i was young (memory has wiped my exact age) my step father SA me, and i did forgive him and even excuse him - because he was a diagnosed schizophrinic who had alot of other problems on top of that due to a car accident.
I still fail to see how other people who have hurt me in my life deserve forgiveness because they actually had control of what they did, they may have even planned it.

I am learning to forgive myself every day with the help of my partner, but i see no room for forgiveness for my abusers.
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 4:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

that's alright. I haven't fogiven mine comepletely. But i do a little. I just hope he behaves.
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Loopylou
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2007 12:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I find it difficult to forgive mine. Especially knowing that some of them went through the same thing. I can semi understand why but at the same time forgiveness, I find, depends on my feelings about myself. If I am coping then I can forgive. However, when I am not coping it's difficult.
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DeeDee6294
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 11:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's a tough one. Forgiveness in our society, especially faith-based, is practically a must. However, what if you've 'lost faith?'. I've gone back and forth; outwardly, to a few friends in a moment of false bravado I will proclaim, "Oh, sure, I've 'forgiven' him" while inside my head my little one is screaming, "Liar! Liar! We HATE him". I've struggled with this for over 20 years. I guess you could say it's societal pressure to 'forgive'.
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