hey all - it's me again

sandra · Posted: Tue Feb 20, 2007 8:30 am Post subject: hey all - it's me again

so I cant remember where i was at last time i stopped in.
but last may i had a complete meltdown, after finally getting a therapist, and having seen her only twice to help me overcome stress that has caused me job insecurity for my entire career. pretty much i get so overwhelmed i run out crying and screaming and never go back.
then i ran and cried all the way to the hospital for a fairly lengthy stay. I've needed help for a long time but its so hard to do - you really have to fight alot, mostly with myself and my own fears for me, to get the real help needed.
I've been in therapy and on my pills for awhile now, and my therapist even got me financial help with SSDI - after my meltdown it's been VERY hard to function.
I wish i could say i'm doing alot better after all this work over the last 9 or so months, i feel like a very pregnant woman that is SO ready to give birth.
the truth is, we're starting processing- and i feel like all the bricks i placed in my foundation this year are just crumbling under me.

It's so so hard. But it's supposed to just go, it doesnt seem like its going at all. my relationship is suffering, and i'm having a hard time revealing my feelings, it's like i'm back at home, scared to upset the apple cart, tiptoing around with a terrible, bitter bile inside screaming to get out, but a smile on my face and even in my voice. It's proving to be very difficult for me to get beyond this point.
I feel unsafe, even with myself (I'm not planning anything) I just feel like i can't trust anyone at all, even myself.
whew.
its a long road this one.

but i have to try. I'm exhausted though, and i know you all know what i mean.
so for tonight, a good sleep
in the morning a cup of tea and a photography walk or bike ride to get out of my head a bit
then some sweat therapy as i try to remove a rotted boat floor, something i have no experience in - but nothing to lose and accomplishment to gain
and then spa time
a hot soak in a salted bath
then a warm soak in a milk bath ( its true what grandma said girls, a quart of full milk in your tub cures dry skin!)
a pedicure, manicure and a dead sea mud mask.

I hope this rejuvenates me body and soul, i definitely need the break - i cant get too into my head. maybe today was an indication that i'm not ready - what do you girls think? i feel like i'm so close to so much hurt, i guess i'm just freaked out. the funny thing is i know its in my head, and i really am safe now. why dont i FEEL that way?

love and good wishes,
sandra

susanie · Posted: Thu Feb 22, 2007 11:24 am Post subject:

I wish I had some answers.

Wow, rough times Sandra. I am amazed at your will to survive. I take courage from your story.

Keep hanging in there and you'll figure it out. You must be very strong and brave to have made it this far.

Warm wishes for healing,
Susie
_________________
"Never, never, never give up!" - Winston Churchill

sandra · Posted: Thu Feb 22, 2007 7:53 pm Post subject: thanks

Thanks, Susanie! I always appreciate a vote of confidence Smile

I am feeling much better - and moving forward with my therapy. It's worth it, so I've heard lol. Actually I do feel safer with myself than ever since I've been in therapy. I've a long history of self destruction Sad

but I love life, and I love the earth, and I LOVE MYSELF enough to want to stick around for awhile.
Take good care of you
Sandra

Jane_R · Posted: Sat Feb 24, 2007 1:59 am Post subject:

That question is so hard--why I don't feel safe when in my brain I know I am. My T always says that I learned the fear for so many years (not only as a child but keeping the same patterns as a grownup), that it's going to take a lot of repetition and re-learning to make change.

I know the terror and the falling-apart. If you are in good hands and you do the work, you really will come out the other side with strength and grace. You will.

hang in there
Jane
_________________
"Living well is the best revenge." G. Herbert

http://riverofforgetting.com

sandra · Posted: Sat Feb 24, 2007 4:03 am Post subject: Good days and bad

thats for sure. But you're right Janie, at least I've had a good day to compare to recently! Laughing

I am sticking to it, trying to go slow but steady - less bull in a china shop than ox plowing field Laughing

ya know what I mean?
Hopefully this hard ground will someday yield a fertile field - I'll take any good veggies Smile

Love and peace to all
Sandra

sandra · Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 3:49 pm Post subject:

I WILL SURVIVE I WILL HAVE A PEACEFUL LIFE I WILL DO IT ALONE I WILL LOVE NATURE AND LEARN TO SURVIVE IN IT I WILL LOVE MYSELF AND CARE FOR MY INNER CHILD I WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO BE BROKEN AGAIN AND AGAIN. I guess I need a divorce lawyer.

sandra · Posted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 4:56 am Post subject:

So guess what? I got divorced. I'm alone and freaking out and feel like I made a mistake, but I'm feeling better too. Good days and Bad. Nothing like ending a marriage to kickstart a few crises.
Love to all
Sandra

ivonne · Posted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 8:41 pm Post subject:

And there's nothing like a few crises to help start a process of change Wink

Congrats on the divorce I suppose. You're gonna make it sis, you've come to far to quit halfway. Survival get's to be a habit. Then after that when survival doesn't cut it, living becomes more of a habit.

Be strong and keep on trucking!

Ivonne
_________________
We don’t see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
–-Anaîs Nin

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