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"Our House" a good thing or not?
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Is "Our House" worth keeping?
Yes, it's a valuable asset to the forum, I like it.
92%
 92%  [ 13 ]
No, it's a waste of time and we should act like adults.
7%
 7%  [ 1 ]
Total Votes : 14

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ivonne
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 13, 2007 5:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oddly enough, I think because it's so triggering, I think it's probably the right road to healing, allthough perhaps a few too many steps forward onto the road.

Rejection of the inner child seems to be the core issue of many, if not all survivors. A great, though old book about the kind of transaction that occurs, both within the self and in the connection to others is: "transactional analysis". I read that back in the seventies when it first came out and it hasn't lost any of it's potency.

It speaks of five aspects to the personality: the adult, the inner critical parent, the inner supportive parent, the inner frustrated child and the inner free child. Ideally the free child is given room to play while the adult ensures safety. The free child is like the core, the soul of a person, it holds what you as a person seek to express. Finding a connection to the free child is what healling is all about, I believe.

I forget who wrote the book and I read it in dutch, so my terms might not quite match the original, but it has helped me a lot understanding these things and how the dynamics work between people. (how sometimes being the free child triggers someone else to respond from the critical parent perspective for instance)

Anyway, my point is, something that is clearly triggering touches upon a lot of energy within the person, it calls up anger and fear, defence mechanisms cut in, something is up... And it's the something that is up is where it's at in terms of healing, in my opinion.

Food for thought: CONFLICT is not good or bad, conflict just is. It's the prime motivator for change.

While I agree that we don't need to act out in anger, let's not make the mistake of avoiding discussing our conflicts. We learn something valuable every time we do.

Ivonne
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Iam
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 13, 2007 6:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, If I'm gonna be an adult that means sticking my neck out once in a while. I want to say that I mean no disrespect to anyone, this is just my opinion and should be taken as such...just my opinion.

This thread is here because of what happened in our house the other night. The whole situation was triggered because I said I didn't want to join in. And it escalated from there. I see that happening again here. I know that different things work for different people but...
carter said:
Quote:
out of respect to Rosie, and because I find the whole thing to triggery for my own little boy, Im not coming in the house again.
and now it seems like his choice is not being respected. If he chooses not to do the whole inner child thing, that is his choice. He said, I don't want to do this, and instead of people saying 'ok carter, if that's what you choose, that's fine' and letting it go, everyone is saying 'why not carter?' I don't know where I am going with this....I just think that carter should be left alone and his choices respected and not questioned.

I guess this whole thing is kind of triggering me in some way, not sure why but there it is anyway. JMHO
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 13, 2007 6:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Uhm, no disrespect intended...

Carter has every right to not participate in the shenanigans of the inner children and all that.

But... well.. this is debate, debating the finer points of healing and inner children and all that. I'm stating my opinion on inner childwork being an important part of healing as well as TRIGGERS being an important part of healing.

It may very well not be for everyone. It's possible that it doesn't work for men in the same way that it works for women... That would be a different debate (one I might add that I'm sort of fed up with, the whole male/female energy thing, but don't let that stop anyone from going another round)

It's my opinion, no more than my opinion, that anything that triggers someone is a chance for healing. It's up to the individual to either choose "go into it" or to shy away from it.

In my personal experience going into it difficult, should be undertaken with care and in my case with the help of a qualified therapist, which I would recommend to anyone, for reasons of safety first.

Perhaps this debate is no longer about the house or perhaps I should take my opinion on this elsewhere. My point is that we've come to view conflict as something bad (which in my opinion it isn't) and in the same vein, we've come to understand "triggers" as being bad (which I don't believe is accurate).

I think perhaps I will open a thread about that in debate, I'd be curious to see the responses to that.

Again, not disrespecting Carter's decision, or yours for that matter to refrain from participating... It is and always has been your personal choice.

Ivonne
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 13, 2007 6:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, I'm busted.....I might have gotten a little carried away with the whole "voice of reason" thing Laughing I really wasn't trying to create any discord here, I was actually trying to head it off if that makes any sense. I am at heart a peacemaker...that is my comfort zone. And just because I didn't want to play then, doesn't mean that I can't change my mind.....

It goes back to being an only child and being responsible....if a mess was made, I had nobody but the cat to blame it on and my mom never bought that so I learned to be very tidy and not make huge messes... I need to remember that this is a 'virtual house' and that messes can be wiped away with a few keystrokes.

I am sorry if you thought I was criticizing you or what you are doing, that wasn't my intention at all....hmmm..ok we are back to intentions....maybe we need a subject of debate on that.
If you are going to make me eat my own words....put a little salt on em would ya?
Laughing
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Mouse
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 13, 2007 7:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can't speak for others but I fully agree with what Ivonne says that triggers actually lead to healing. It's my experience as well. Because a thing that triggers me mostly is something I'm not ready, willing, able to face at the moment. It is covered with intellectualization, other forms of denial or whatever.

I've come to learn that it is this way for me, and when I don't feel triggered so much any more and am a bit less vulnerable I try to approach the scary issue. It works for me, and therefore I indirectly asked Carter -- why not? I simply shared what I have understood with a hope that may be it can work for him as well. This is what all of us are doing here. Sharing. But you are right, Ian, he has his choice.

Although I'm convinced that "why not?" is a good question in the whole healing process. May be not today, may be tomorrow I'll be ready but if there has been a triggering issue it's worth approaching it at the same time being kind to myself.

Besides, if I'm triggered, I have to learn to express it in an appropriate way. Trying to stop others discussing or doing something that triggers me, is not the best choice, I think.

Almost every day I find here something that is more or less triggering. What to do? I see only 2 ways to solve the problem -- one is not coming here but the other is coming with a thought in mind that there can be things I won't be able to handle at the moment but they can be helpful for someone else or for myself in the future.


Mouse
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carter
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2007 1:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

...

Last edited by carter on Wed Feb 28, 2007 4:15 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Tgrrr10
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2007 2:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First I want to say to Ian--it's ok that you saw I was upset and that you couldn't do anything for me right then. I'm a big girl and I spoke what I felt. I was more upset by the fact that Steve felt he was the governing body and came in and told us what to do--that really p*ssed me off, but I was upset prior to that with the back and forth of verbal attacks. We all need to be able to state how we feel and we all have a right to disagree, but there is a time and place for everything and I feel that OUR HOUSE is a place to have fun and if things are going to get heated they be taken outside, so those who don't want to be stuck in the middle don't have to be.

Carter to try and answer your questions..
Quote:
I'd be interested to know how the residents who do feel that it is a safe and healing place actually make that work for them?. How it being a house makes it feel safer than say the female only forum ( which it obviously isnt since people like me can get in start trouble)? How does the healing aspect kick in in real life?


What makes it different for me than another forum, well, seeing as it was started to be a place where we all could be together and have a "safe" house, because many of us didn't have one growing up. How I make it work, it much like how the rest of this site works for me. I can post what I'm feeling and work through things, but in OUR HOUSE, it's more of a sense that I'm not alone. Where as in other posts it can be more of an individual thing. I can also go to OUR HOUSE and retreat from feeling some of the tougher things and I can go and say I'm not feeling great, or I'm hungry who wants pancakes, or let's have a dance party. And at the same time virtually interact with others who want to go jump in a chocolate fountain or jump on a trampoline or put cds in a microwave--makes me laugh and know that I'm not alone. That's how it kicks in in real life. Knowing that I always have a safe place to go to where I can be with others, others who have become like family to me. Others who will understand.

Much like a family you would in real life go home to. Someone maybe in a really great mood and another sad, we work like a family. Supporting those who aren't feeling great, sometimes offering to do something fun to lighten their day a bit. It's also a place where you can post the things you wished you could've done in your own home growing up. I can't go back to my childhood home--even though at the time I'm reliving the thoughts and feelings I had at the age of six--like when I was 6 and I was living through the abuse and feeling all that crap, what I would've like to have done while feeling it. With OUR HOUSE I can go there and say how I would've liked to finger painted the whole frickin house because it would have in some way helped me express what I'm feeling. I'm not sure if this is coming out in a way that makes sense. But it gives me the space to feel safe in a "house" with the thoughts and feelings I wasn't allowed to have in my own childhood home.

For me when I started healing I was so frustrated because I was a 27 year old woman and everything I thought and felt about the abuse was that of a 6 year old. Hard to be 6 when you're 27. I fought it. I fought what I thought and what I felt. Tried to convince myself that I "shouldn't" feel that way or beat myself up for feeling that way. And then it hit me that I no longer could deny the hurt that I really felt, or the things I thought, because denying it was not going to help me move on. When I started to allow myself to feel and think like the 6 year old I was, I started healing on a different level. Not running from my past and what it made me feel, allowed me to be present and understand where I was coming from. It's been hard. Very hard, because some of this stuff isn't very fun to feel. But now that I can see why I think about things the way I do and why I feel the way I do, I'm learning how to help that little girl move on, so she doesn't feel abandoned and unloved and not good enough, etc.

And I'm with Ian Carter, I totally respect your decision not to come into OUR HOUSE anymore, but I hope that you continue to post here on the other forums. I know that we don't always see things from the same point of view, but I respect you and I too think you have a lot to contribute.

Ian, I also respect your wish to only come into the house when you feel like you want to. I hope that you're able to stop by now and then because as the founder of the House and the resident chef and the dancing fool (I mean that in a nice way Wink ) that house is a home because of you and your efforts to help make it exsist. Thank You!!!!

T
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carter
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2007 6:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

...

Last edited by carter on Wed Feb 28, 2007 4:14 pm; edited 1 time in total
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2007 4:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can only speak for myself, but when I post as little Ivonne, or Punky as I've dubbed her now, I AM both.

When I was little I was allready learning that my feelings didn't matter, that I couldn't play. It may be different for others, geesh, I sure hope so, but in my home there was not room for little Ivonne. She became a very wellbehaved little toddler, being a good girl so she wouldn't get yelled at. I stayed wellbehaved and I see the advantages of that as well. However, I missed out on being naughty. I never played truant, I never got to do anything contrary to my parents wishes. I learned very early that there was no room for me to be me.

Yes, Carter, I whine about not having been allowed to blow bubbles, for me it's a symbol of not being allowed to be me. I cried when I posted that and I cried again when I saw the responses. There is a very real pain connected to Little Ivonne inside me. That little girl is who I was.

I've done inner child work before, in therapy, and it always was very intensely emotional and healing. When I did that, it was always a darkhaired curly girl, i.e. someone else, carrying my pain, but looking quite different from the way I actually looked.
The last time I did innerchild work I connected to my less than two year old self and she turned out to look like I genuinely looked back than. She's preverbal, the words that came up were of a song, akin to itsy bitsy spider. The child I saw, felt and was at that time was feeling very rejected because she was not allowed to play. She/I was crying and felt a deep aching loss. I've been relearning how to play. It helps me to do that at the level it started at. So yeah, blowing bubbles and smearing peanutbutter on the wall. Mostly what Little Ivonne want's is to sit on somebody's lap and have them cuddle her and pay attention to her. She hasn't had that when she was little. Perhaps hard to imagine for some, but my childhood was cold. Contact was functional only (and roughly so).

So it helps to have this virtual place, get these virtual hugs, blow virtual bubbles. The adult in me would object to me smearing peanutbutter all over my real house and of course, that's not what it's really about. It's about being naughty and getting cuddles anyway.

I hope this helps explain it?

Ivonne
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carter
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2007 11:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

...

Last edited by carter on Wed Feb 28, 2007 4:14 pm; edited 1 time in total
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