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Memories mixed with Dreams?
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Is this normal?
yes
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no
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 6:17 pm    Post subject: Memories mixed with Dreams? Reply with quote

First off, I'll say that my christmas was as good as it was last year if not a little bit better. I got some more books to add to my library in my room. I'm alreayd reading one by Christine Feehan. It's called Conspiracy Game. She's like the master of paranormal romance novels. She's great. Her description in the books is not just amazing but beautiful and inspires me a lot. Though my bedroom essay only got an A instead of an A plus. She wrote on the top that I was trying to be creative. That one made me disappointed in myself....so...yeah.

Anyway, I got to bed last night at ten and shut my eyes. I was ready to go to sleep. I was tired and wiped out. Just wanted to sleep. Mostly because I start classes for work tomorrow and then I work on the weekend i think. Not really looking forward to that at the moment. Anyway, i had my eyes shut for like two seconds and the images came at me like bats out of hell. First was a hand.

The hand looked like it was either made of bare flesh (no skin) or out of lava. I couldn't tell which. But it was a sharp finger. I'm not talking about a sharp finger nail. There wasn't one. It was just a sharp finger. It drug across what looked like skin and cut it. That jerked me in my bed and I rolled over. I couldn't open my eyes because I was sleepy.

The next thing was I heard the voices again. Like stuck halfway between awake and asleep? I can't remember what they said this time though. But it was definetally my dad's son's voice. So, I jerked again. Then I finally dozed off and had a horrible dream. Redearth knows what it is.

I'm a grown woman and I've got like...about a three year old in front of me. He's crying and the floor is completely coverd in blood. About two inches of it everywhere. He's crying and crying and someone has a chainsaw. They turn it on and I scream over and over "not in front of my baby." I just keep saying it.

There are other dead people in the room. All unidetified right now. And the kid is screaming "mommy" and crying and hollering. Last thing I say is to the kid. I say "Close your eyes, baby. Close your eyes. Don't look at mommy." and then I'm chopped to bits and the kid starts screaming louder and I always wake up right then.

I hate this dream and I keep having it. I woke up all sweaty and turned on my fan and grabbed Peanut and went straight back to sleep. I was scared and tired and I just wanted to get some peaceful sleep. I dont understand any of what those things meant. It just doesn't make sense to me at all.

Yesterday, after we were done at my dad's parent's house, we came back here and they brought my brother. At first i was pissed but I put on a smile for them and acted like it was alright. but then...We started talking. I talked to him. Not a full conversation really but we'd comment. He'd talk to me about the book he bought me. He said he wants to read it when I'm done with it.

We laughed and talked and I wanted to run to him and hug him and cry and tell him I was sorry and wasn't mad at him anymore. I noticed this morning that I wanted to call him. My sister got a cell phone so, I get the one that was our home phone. His number is in it. I want to call him and talk to him. I really do. I don't know why though.

I also noticed that it was like the old christmases we had a long time ago. When we'd play legos when we got them. And how we'd share our presents and just smile and have a wonderful time. I miss it. And I miss him. I dont even like him and I miss him a lot. I feel like crying right now because I dont know what to do about this. I don't think I'm allowed to call him. And if i was and I did, I'd have nothing to say. I'd forget everything and probably end up pissing him off and he'd hang up on me or something.

I'm confused. Crying or Very sad I miss him.
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avalon140
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 8:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am so sorry rosie, I know all of this is hard, I do not know anything about the dream I have never had one any thing like that.....as for missing your brother and wanting to call him and that...I do understand....it was as if my grandfather was two people...the perfect wonderful loving grandpa and then the abuser...and even in my memories there are times and things i miss about him...for me it is different because he is dead and I have been able to seperate him into two people in my head and that works for me...for you I have no suggestons....I will watcha nd see what others say....again I am sorry
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 8:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

first off... you get an A on your paper and you're disappointed in yourself? You think you might be a little perfectionistic? Also, if you should be disappointed at all, I'd say be disappointed in your teacher. Your story was great. Her opinion on it is just that: Her opinion.

The dream, as horrid as it seems, is kind of... I don't know, my interpretation of it is that you are you in it and your child is your inner child. The sharp finger? A phallus symbol? Perhaps your abuser, but considering the bloody scene, more likely it's your selfdestructive impulses, the knife, the cutting. Your inner child is calling for you to stop it... To take care of her, rather than to hurt yourself. Well that would be my take on it. Liat is the resident dream analist so she might be able to shed more light on it.

As for missing him: He's still your brother, that will never stop, no matter how much you try to disown him. He's also your abuser. You have the right to reject all or part of him, but the part of him that is your brother, you can't deny having the same roots. You grew up together, played lego's together... had Christmasses together... That's something you don't share with anyone other than siblings. It's allright and natural to miss that.

You get to choose wether you let him back into your life. You don't have to submit to any pressure on that from anyone, you get to make that choice. If his behavior is safe, if you're feeling protected and taken care of, if you feel safe with being in touch with him, perhaps it's possible to rekindle the sisterly love thing.
If being around him is unsafe, either from his actions or from your tension rising around him and creating potential unsafe urges (cutting) in you, than avoidance is probable the best way to go.

Something that might help? If you would start with something you feel very safe with? The written word? Perhaps you could exchange e-mail with your brother or something.

Note that I am calling him your brother on purpose. Not to disregard the disowning you did before, but because your desire to be in contact with him shows that you still consider him a brother. He's family and that doesn't really ever go away. That doesn't make him any less of an abuser and that doesn't mean you can't at the same time hate what he did. That's precisely what makes his crime so heinous, more so than if a stranger raped you. Your mixed feelings about it are SOOOOO confusing...

Ivonne
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 8:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

dont need to be sorry for something we can't control. makes no sense.
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Tgrrr10
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 3:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Rosebud, Merry Christmas!!! (a day late) I don't know what to make of your dream, not even going to guess. But I totally get the missing him and not liking him all at the same time. I'm still trying to figure that out for myself.

One of the rules I wanted for this christmas--which I think I posted here, told my therapist, but never said anything about to my family was I didn't want a present from him. Well my parents came to my sisters a day after I arrived there and came bearing presents. That night after everyone else had gone to bed, the little kid in me came out and I was digging under the tree looking for my presents. I didn't see one to me from my brother and his family. I started crying. I was so shocked at my response, it was one of the rules I had WANTED. It really made me think. I miss having the fun times with him, but can easily get angry at those same fun times. It's hard. Really hard. You want your brother there and at the same time you want him no where near you.

It is normal Rose, completely normal to feel that way. Doesn't make it easier to know that it's normal, but I do hope it makes you feel like you're not alone in this!!! Hugs!!!

T
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 3:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ivonne, I'll ignore you calling him my brother. I don't want him to be. but god hates me enough so he is.

I'll just figure all this out when i actually want to. my sister...had to start those comments agian. Crying or Very sad
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Jane_R
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 6:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dear R,
Im glad you had a good christmas--that's like a miracle, did you notice that??

That dream--god, how terrifying. I do agree that there is something hopeful in there about your taking care of that baby and protecting it.

And the mixed feelings about your dad's son, I'd say (I can hear my T saying) "Take it really slowly. One tiny step at a time." Having the mixed feelings is not the same as going out and acting on them by calling him or whatever. I think it's better for now to watch the feelings, as you are good at doing, and just see what comes next. There is plenty more time down the road.

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing glad for the good holiday Exclamation

Jane
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 8:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks jane.
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 12:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've been trying to sleep and I keep hearing my dad's son's voice. I can't take this. I'm tired and I want to get a little sleep but I can't if I keep hearing his voice echoing through my head. It doesn't help. I want a little sleep. It's nearly three in the morning and I'm tired. I'm still up cuz of that #*$# boy.... Crying or Very sad
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esmerelda
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 5:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Poor Rosie, I know what it's like to not be able to sleep because your mind won't shut down. It's awful, and what's worse is when it goes on and on. Seems like your're never going to get to sleep. * Puts arms around Rosie, cradles her head in my lap, sings her a lullaby, and rocks her to sleep.*
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