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bored and depressed and pissed
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Too long?
yes, I'm old. I can't read all that
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No, I'm old but I've got energy
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 5:47 am    Post subject: bored and depressed and pissed Reply with quote

Christmas is too close. This sucks. They know I don't want to do the whole family thingy. I was alright for a while today but now I'm just...bleh. basically. fell like writing but dont have the patience or energy to do it. i'm just listening to music waiting for some savior to come take me away and make me happy. It's not going to work that way but...yea....I just want to be able to have a smile on my face and not be thinking about hurting myself. Which right now, I am doing that.

I don't even know why. I just don't. I think I was triggered by out music concert last night. The band one. Last year my brother wasn't in it but it made me a wreck last year. I just didn't like it and this year I just got a pang in my heart and all those thoughts that it's my fault came back. It's not my fault and I know that but it just came back. Which sucked. I hate when that happens.

My dad and I had a cool talk a couple of days ago. We started off talking about my writing and how it just comes to me and ended up going into college stuff and that went to him being kind of OCDish...weird but it was long and we didn't stop until about eleven. I thought it was fun. He was all giddy about learning what I wanted to be when I grow up.

We talked about that stuff then went to bed. It was fun. Usually when we have a talk is about something not so good and I end up crying for the next week. but this one was actaully cool.

Anyway, momma put our presants under the tree. That's depressing. Other thing is next week we go to school until Thursday then we have our christmas break. That means mid terms are gonna smack me in the face and I'm going to be sooo tired. I'm already tired.

Feels like there's a thousand pound weight on each of my shoulders. And on my eye lids.

The concert last night wiped me out. We went to A&W for dinner but dad got called out. So it was just me, momma, and my sis. We talked and ate and all got to laughing. I started telling jokes while we ate ice cream. It was fun. When we came home mommma went to bed. sissy, got on the computer and i took my pill and watch five minutes of The Fourty Year Old Virgin and crashed. Dad woke me up to say good night and when he left i was instantly asleep again.

This morning I got up and got dressed...in a lazy way. I had one shoe on and layed back on my bed to pop my back. It popped and i fell asleep for half an hour. I've been yawning all day. but oh well...

how did this turn into a step by step of the past two days? odd. Well, I think I'm done...wait one more thing that'll probably take forever to write cuz i keep dosing off.

There's this girl at my school who has been telling me unbelievable lies. She's been saying she talks to Ian and all that. Ian and I have talked about that and I know she doesn't. But today she got me. She won't leave me alone. She was picking on me. I can't remember why. I was talking and she said something rude. I told her to shut up but she did it again so I started being as mean as I could without hitting her. But then she got to the one comment that hit me hard. "At least I don't have sex with my brother." Wham...slap...boom. there went my head.

I got pissed and set down my flute and turned to her and told her to shut the hell up. She said no and set down her things. She hit me and I got mad because she hits me for no reason a lot. I was going to punch her but instead I pushed her away from me and got my things and walked away. Then she complained cuz her boob hurt. She drives me so nuts. She lies constantly about things that you shouldn't lie about and pisses me off all the time.

I don't know what her problem is. She's always happy but then she crosses her arms and acts sooo depressed. I ask what's wrong and a lie comes out. last time I asked she said that three people in her family died the same day at the same time. If you can prove to me that that could happen then please do. I tried to be patient and try to understand but I can't. She hits me in the kidneys, punches my arms, bends my fingers back, pushes me, makes fun of me, she pushes me agaist walls...everything a bully would do. I don't hit back because I know I'd get into trouble. But kidney shots hurt.

She's taking cheap shots all the time. I don't know why she does that to me all the time. I didn't do anything to her to deserve getting hit like that. I have never been rude to her. She just decides to piss me off then hit me. One time she chocked me. I pulled her hair so she'd stop but I just don't get it. Sometimes I feel like just slapping her and telling her to stop it. She just bugs me soo much. It's annoying.

Not just the lying but pushing me around and beating on me. Like I haven't had enough of that. I even told her at a basketball game that she could tell the truth or leave me the hell alone. She said she was telling the truth so I told her to stay away from me. Well, she hasn't. She's back and she won't stop it. It brings back memories and throws me back to spots I don't like to be in.

Besides that, she's just so rude. I dont understand how someone could be so rude to everyone. Her acting and hitting me isn't nice. At the concert she hit me in the balcony. Right in the ribs and bent my finger causing me to yell and get yelled at by the girl in front of me. Of course my friend in front of us looked at me and motioned me to sit with her but I couldn't. Couldn't get out of my row and jumping over the seats gets u a detention and I've never had one in my life. Not starting now.

Off that subject now and on to something else. My class ring. I love it. It has a blue stone. On one side is a flute and the year i graduate. The other side is a our mascot and my first name. Inside I have my signature. I think it's cool. I don't know why but I just...hmm...no way to explain it really. When I got it I was sooo happy and felt a little more grown up. Like I had something to be responsible for and I knew I could do it. That kind of thing.

It's one of my most treasured possessions. Along with my blanky mom granny made me and my flute my mom gave me. I don't know why but I love the ring. I didn't think it'd be that big of a deal but it is. For me anyway. Makes me feel proud and important and stuff. All that good stuff.

Well...I think I've had my mouth open for a year now....sorry this is so long. I got started and couldn't stop. Thanks for listening...If you find about two years to read this. lol.
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 7:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

lol, allright, maybe someday, but not tonight... sleep beckons...

Ivonne
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afatherthatcares
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 7:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I read every word of it. Will probably read it again. I didn't know you thought that much of your ring, that is cool. It is a grown up thing. If you want we can talk to your school counselor about that girl bullying you or if you want to do it by yourself its ok too. Whatever you want to do, I will back you. Anyway, I think you just had alot to get off your chest and you did it. Hope it helped you feel better. Oh and our talk the other night, I loved it too. Was the best talk we have had in a long time. When I went to bed that night, I smiled so much and slept so well. I slept so well knowing that you are doing so good and thinking of your future. We will all be just fine wont we hon. Love you
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 8:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

yea...feel much better now.
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liat
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 8:48 am    Post subject: it brings a pain Reply with quote

Hi Rosie, FTC.. your ability to communicate, not try to change what's happening for the other is such a nice thing to see, though it brings a pain with it for me. Your emotional and mental health Rosie is really being nurtured and supported, I hope you see how lucky you are.

Take care and keep those talks going...
liat Sad Smile
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 4:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

uh oh...Liat made a sad face....I don't think that's good...
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liat
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 5:01 pm    Post subject: sad Reply with quote

Yes, I am sad and it is painful for me to know I don't have that in my life, but it's a joy to share in other's keeping the communication open, so don't stop O.K.

(((((Lots of HUGGS HON))))))
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 5:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm sorry liat. *hugs*
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liat
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 5:46 pm    Post subject: ta Reply with quote

Thanks Rosie,

How you doing? Anything interesting happening this weekend?
Tommorow I have a friend coming over to help write music to a poem of mine, looking forward to it and I am going to see if, since she is a singer, if she would preform it when it's done. Might see to if I could do it as a duet?? I love singing, just need some training as I'm not like my sis.

Take care,
thanks

liat
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 5:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cool. One person did that to a song I wrote for them and I never got to hear it. I wish I could have tho. But oh well. When they get famous i know my song'll be there.
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