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Mid term for English
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Do you think it's an A?
yes, that's fantastic
50%
 50%  [ 1 ]
almost, there are a few changes you could make
50%
 50%  [ 1 ]
no, that is horrible
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
Total Votes : 2

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Rosie
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 6:04 pm    Post subject: Mid term for English Reply with quote

our midterm for english is a paper describing our room. I'm gonna post it so you can tell me what I need to change...the wording because I'm not changing my room. That'd be stupid. and so you can help me title the paper...I was thinking about Chamber of Solitude but...that sounds kinda dark....yeah...so, gimme a title:




With a sweet and sour mixture of Tori Amos’ voice and the smell of Lemon, you’ll find a door. A purple and golden plaque says what’s behind the door. AS you near the door, another voice reaches your ears. Behind the door, a book shelf sits, holding adventures. Harper Lee is leaning, with a flirty posture, against James Patterson. Stephen King sticks out among John Grisham.

Elephants and bears snooze among a jungle of pillows. Guitar fingerings lay on a poster above the jungle filled chair. A gift tucked away behind it. The dresser leads to a bed that holds a lot of love and memories. The knitted blanket lies soundly over the sheets. The blanket is from and elderly woman, with love in every inch, making it special beyond anything I could possess.

Below the window, a white cabinet has plopped itself down. Inside the closed doors, lay notebooks of poems, songs, and stories. Forgotten memories written to be explored on a day the clouds decide to weep. The stereo has tackled the cabinet and stays resting on top. A picture of a dance lays tucked between the speaker and CD holder. With a smile on the faces, it produces a great memory of happiness.

Then it breaks away to the guitar. Standing proudly, it shines and brags at the whole room. How brave it is to be so close to the land of unknown mysteries. The closet door holds pictures of a monkey and elephant. These were composed by the hand of a thirteen-year-old. The desk sets heavily next to the closet. Papers are thrown about. Bits of stories are scattered with CDs on top of them and pencils falling off the desk onto the floor.

Above the desk is a bulletin board. Pictures of a mother and daughter are surrounded by pictures of a littler me. CD holders trap the board in. Melissa Etheridge to Mudvayne keeps it blocked.

Sticking just above the horizon of the desk, you can see the top of a black music stand. Music is set on it and is held up by a silver instrument. The flute fell into my hands from my mother. It's very special and dear to me for that reason and that reason alone. Being given a gift of music is the best thing I could have gotten.

Now, if you’ll kindly leave. This is my chamber of solitude. If you wanted to come in, you should have told me…I’d have locked the door.





Also...I have a goal this time. a boy i liked last year writes a lot. His name is Brett. He wrote a big story when he was in the fifth grade. So, he was a head of me. but I want to beat him with my paper. Show him I can do it too. He's read some of my poems last year and told me they were good. Several people in my home room did because they'd steal my notebook and read them. They like my style and all that. They think I'm good at it but I want to beat him.... Laughing
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Iam
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 6:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You have such a descriptive way of writing, very detailed. I like that. If I were asked to describe my room, it would be something like this, there is a bed with a blue cover, a desk with a computer on it, two dressers one short and one tall and a few pictures on the wall, lol.

I think it's great rosie. There are only two suggestions I can make. In the passage where you say "the desk sets" change it to sits instead. And in the passage where you are talking about your flute....instead of saying the best gift I have ever gotten, change it to 'ever recieved". Those are tiny things but they may help. Or don't change them. This is your paper and you should have it any way you want it. I am not criticizing, just telling you what I would do.

I think your room sounds awesome.
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 6:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

okay, just a few things... I'll help you beat Brett...

The thing with the plaque on the door... very good, mystifying, it pulls the reader in, what would it say on the plaque... At the ending, saying it reads "chamber of mysteries" would perhaps be more apt.

I like the style of writing up untill you introduce the I in there. Like when you say anything I could possess. Perhaps you can edit the I out of there and out of the rest of the story... you're like a voiceover to a movieshot in the rest of the story and this ruins that illusion (for me)

where you say "then it breaks away to the guitar" it's almost like the director of the movie... I'd like it better if that were more explicit: Like: the scene breaks... or the camera angle shifts exposing..."

I think the thing with the not permitting entry at the end would be stronger if you created the illusion that we had never entered in the first place. Like, in the beginning never enter the door, never adress the person visiting... like there is a door, not "you'll find it"

Anyway, that's what I think.

Ivonne
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 6:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks guys...

Ivonne, i love your head...but what do i change the I's to? come on...you have a big head...help me out.

thanks for helpin me beat brett too. Ian, i changed those...thanks.
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 6:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I changed what you suggested.....like it better now:




With a sweet and sour mixture of Tori Amos’ voice and the smell of Lemon, there is a door. A purple and golden plaque says what’s behind the door. As you near the door, another voice reaches your ears. The voice is singing sweetly with amazing skill. What wonders lie behind the door?

Behind the door, a book shelf sits, holding adventures. Harper Lee is leaning, with a flirty posture, against James Patterson. Stephen King sticks out among John Grisham. Small stuffed animals hold the books up as they are scattered around.

Elephants and bears snooze among a jungle of pillows. Guitar fingerings lay on a poster above the jungle filled chair. A gift is tucked away behind it. The dresser leads to a night stand my dad made me a few years ago. A fat elephant is tucked inside covering more notebooks and lose papers with writings and verses on them. A game cube rests on top of a playstation.

After the night stand, is a bed. . The knitted blanket lies soundly over the sheets. The blanket is from and elderly woman, with love in every inch, making it special beyond anything anyone could possess. With a mixture of blue and reddish colors, it adds a bit of me to my bed that was previously chosen by my mother.

Below the window, a white cabinet has plopped itself down. Inside the closed doors, lay notebooks of poems, songs, and stories. Forgotten memories written to be explored on a day the clouds decide to weep. The stereo has tackled the cabinet and stays resting on top. A picture of a dance lays tucked between the speaker and CD holder. With a smile on the faces, it produces a great memory of happiness.

The camera angle shifts exposing the guitar in the corner. Standing proudly, it shines and brags at the whole room. How brave it is to be so close to the land of unknown mysteries. The closet door holds pictures of a monkey and elephant. These were composed by the hand of a thirteen-year-old. The desk sits heavily next to the closet. Papers are thrown about. Bits of stories are scattered with CDs on top of them and pencils falling off the desk onto the floor.

Above the desk is a bulletin board. Pictures of a mother and daughter are surrounded by pictures of a younger me. CD holders trap the board in. The band of music holds in the board. If it escaped, all the memories would be lost.

Sticking just above the horizon of the desk, you can see the top of a black music stand. Music is set on it and is held up by a silver instrument. The flute fell into my hands from my mother. It's very special and dear to me for that reason and that reason alone. Being given a gift of music is the best thing I could have received.

The plaque on the door reads “Chamber of Mysteries”. What mysteries lie inside? You’ll never know. The door is always closed.
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 6:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

now i'm not liking the me's and my's...ivonne? wut u think?
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 6:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, that's good. I like it but the ending...the plaque on the door reads "chamber of mysteries" I like the idea of the chamber of solitude better but not with the word chamber. What if the plaqued merely said "Solitude"? It gives the idea that that is the place you go to be alone, that no one is allowed unless invited in. The word chamber invokes thoughts of harry potter in me, maybe it's just me lol.
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 6:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

oh snap...you found what was bugging me. I knew there was something about chamber or whatever....no chamber. it doesn't make me think harry potterish....more like a prison...eeeeeeeewwwwwww it's gone.
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Rosie
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 6:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

well crap...now here's the ending...i can't form the words right....


The plaque reads “Solitude”. Entry is forbidden, for the mysteries that lie inside are not to be seen.
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 7:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two heads are better than one huh? Or does that only apply to dragons? I am glad I could help in some small way, you would think I would be a better editor seeing as how english was my best subject. I think it's because I am tired, I didn't sleep much last night. I had two people on my mind and it made it hard to settle down. There are a couple of misplaced commas in there as well, not that I should know that, I am the king of the run on sentence, lol.

It really is a great piece of work though, I am impressed.
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