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"DREAM" Images *** MAY TRIGGER!!!!***
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Do dreams have a true meaning?
Yes, I think they do.
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 100%  [ 6 ]
Nah, they're just a pigment of our wild imagination.
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Chispita
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 5:21 pm    Post subject: "DREAM" Images *** MAY TRIGGER!!!!*** Reply with quote

WARNING: Hereís a description of a dream Iíve been having. A lot doesnít make sense even to me, so please be cautious as it may possibly TRIGGER!!!

Iím somewhere dark and cold, so cold my skin has goosebumps. It smells like a sweaty gym. Iím running as fast as I can until Iím out of breath. My chest hurts. Suddenly, I freeze and whatever little light there was, dims. On the background, I can hear a dog barking. Iím a dog-lover, but for some reason I hate this particular dog. Sounds like a small dog. I flinch as I hear it approach.

The next thing I can remember, I canít move. My arms are over my head, and even though I canít see, I simply canít move them. Iím not strong enough. I have a bad tummy ache and my private part burns. I then flip over abruptly, as if I were on a waterslide and the water turned me over unexpectedly, and now my bottom hurts too. Then, I choke. My mouth is full and I canít get rid whatever is inside of it. I canít breath and it reeks. Finally, there is some light and Iím able to see, but my heart stops as to what I see. Itís the dog and the dog is hurting me.

Now at first I thought that my mind was making my abuser to be a dog, but soon I realized that Iím not. The abuser and the dog are two separate things. I just canít figure it out. These are just the highlights of the ďdreamĒ Iíve been having for weeks. Some of it I just canít put it into words, and also, I donít want to upset anyone inadvertedly. I know it seems crazy, but I also know that the dog is significant yet it feels like the dog is just a dog. I donít know, it probably doesnít even make sense to anyone either. Iím so confused and emptyÖ Crying or Very sad
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Roseless
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 5:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hi. the dog huh? hmm... i dont know but my abuser would use the things i love against me so that i'd shut up, be quiet, keep my mouth shut, or do what he wanted me to do. if that happened to you then maybe the dog is what is being used against you.

or the other thing i can think of is that you're afraid of something you love hurting you. i get that. i seriously do because i'm always afraid something or someone i love will turn on me and hurt me like before. if that's what's going on then you just gotta trust yourself to make a good choice. you gotta trust yourself more. or your little girl needs to trust you. either way you would get the same result. (i think anyway. i'm not sure. hopefully)

and the triggering someone thing. you put a trigger mark thinger on here so they know and i doubt anyone'll come in that'll get triggered. so, you shouldn't worry about that too much.

i hope that helped which i dont think it did but those are possibilities. Very Happy ((((Chispita))))
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 6:21 pm    Post subject: ****trigger**** Reply with quote

I think dreams hold clues about real things, not to be taken literally. With this dream I have a few questions:

What does the smell of a sweaty gym mean to you? Imaging smelling that, is it a good thing (were you a celebrated gymnast?) or a bad thing?

Running, in the gym? Or away from something: Towards something?

The rest of the scene seems to describe being raped, sodomized and forced to swallow someone's penis. What is the scent it reeks of?

The dog could well be just a coincidental symbol, like through the association of "doggy style"?

It's possible that you were literally raped by a dog, people do the most horrific things to others, but on the basis of this dream I wouldn't say that that is necessarily the case.

You do say you love dogs, I think the theory of Rose, that something that you love was used against you holds some merit.

Sounds like a really tough dream to be having over and over. How are you holding up?

Ivonne
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Chispita
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 6:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The smell of a sweaty gym is repugnant to me. No, Iím not a celebrated gymnastÖ **Small Grin** Iím not very flexible actually. It smells like sweat, like when youíre outside in the sun all afternoon and then come back inside. Not a pleasant smell at all.

Iím not sure if Iím running away from something or toward something. May be both. I can see myself looking behind me constantly, but at the same time Iím trying very hard to run as hard and as far away as possible. A lot of times, in my dreams (which sometimes Iím awake when Iím getting these ďvisionsĒ), I keep falling because my knees are weak and the back of them hurt as if I had been hit behind my knees with an awful force. Not sure.

The other scent I wrote about is again a sweaty, salty smell. Not sure though.

The dog is what really tears me apart. This is not the first time I see the dog in my memories. Like I believe deep down, because I feel it, that yesÖ well, umm, a dog literally raped me. IíM SO ASHAMED TO BEING SAY IT!!! Then I tell myself that I must be crazy because is it even really possible for that to happen??? Itís so embarrassingÖ Embarassed Embarassed Embarassed

Right now I donít feel anything. I feel like the days, hours, and minutes just keep going, and sometimes I donít even know where the time went. Itís like Iím living in the present, but sometimes Iím not quite aware of whatís going on around me. The few people I do talk to about random stuff keep asking me: ďDonít you remember when we talked about such and such a thing yesterday???Ē And honestly I donít, but I pretend like I do. I also feel scared, like something is about to happenÖ
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 7:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's possible, I've seen movies... Not a pretty picture.

Honey, remember, there is nothing for you to be ashamed of. You didn't do this, this was done onto you. It's icky and ugh to remember, but it was never your fault.

People, abusers, do awful stuff to little kids.

I'm proud of you for finding the courage to say it anyway. It was not your fault and if this happened the rotten s.o.b. did this to you is some sicko huh. (I was going to say sick puppy, but the pun didn't seem funny)

The thing with losing time and doing stuff not knowing you've done it... that's called dissociating. It's like you're not fully there. It's a skill that you learn as a child if you have to cope with something like abuse and you are too young to deal with it effectively. You sorta escape within your own mind.
Now that you've grown, it's become a habit, something that is so automatic that it's hard to catch yourself doing it. When you are triggered, that is what happens, you go unconcious. Something, could be anything, sounds, sights, smells, reminds you of when you were little. The next thing you know, you've lost an hour, not being aware of the passage of time. It's not that in realtime, in the present something bad happens. It could be as seemingly innocent as a dog barking. However, with your background and the possibility that you have been raped by a dog, that sound could set off a whole lot of fear for the little girl within and in a panic, you disconnect. It's hard for something to hurt you if you're not there, that's the rationale behind that strategy...

The trick is to catch yourself doing it and when you do, figure out what the trigger is. Stay in the present and at the same time explore the memory. Keep telling yourself in moments like that that you are allright, that the abuse is not happening now. You have allready survived it.

Being very trigger-prone is a terrible way to live, because it seems like because you miss half the stuff that is going on, life is unpredictable and dangerous. It's like you are allready afraid even when nothing has really happened...

take care,
Ivonne
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Chispita
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 9:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I guess that there are still missing pieces of the puzzle I'm trying to put together. It seems I've been trying to do this all my life. Whenever I think things are getting better... BOOM! Another dream, another memory, another nightmare... I can't even tell when they're coming nor the time span between them.

The thing with this particular dream is that it seems like each night I get a little more. And what bothers me most, is that the dog I see is small. So then I start to think why I can't, why I didn't stop it, if it was a tiny dog, you know? A dog can't possibly overpower you... And the other thing that lingers in my mind is how come then don't I fear dogs, but I'm actually quite fond of them.

Right now I feel so low and dirty... Crying or Very sad I mean, a dog?! And the thing is I think I've always known deep down, yet refuse to even come to terms with it and openly accept it. It's so humiliating just to even say it! Embarassed
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 4:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Chispita,

Hon, it's not your fault, you didn't cause this to happen and you certainly weren't in a position to stop it.

The kick, for some abusers, is to totally humiliate their victims. Some of the stuff I was forced to do was gross. all of it was demeaning and MEANT to be demeaning. My worst memories involve drinking urine and licking an unhygienic %@#$. You want to compare notes on who had it worse?

No matter what the content of your memories, YOU ARE IN NO WAY TO BLAME. You were a child at the mercy (or lack thereoff) of and adult. Someone with a sick mind.

It's not your fault these things were done to you,
Ivonne
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Chispita
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 5:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm... Compare notes on who had it worse? Yeah, I can picture that. Instead of talking about who has the best clothes or car (none of which I'd actually do), we can talk about who has had it worse. *GRIN* Smile Just kidding!

I don't know... I don't know how I can get past this. I told you that I love dogs, and I do, but now I can't even come close to one since like a few days back. The worst part is, that now my dream has become more violent and frequent. Now it's like if I can feel the pain under my skin. If I'm awake, it knocks the wind out of me and I have a cough attack. It feels like I have no control of my own body and I hate it. I'm very scared, but I'm not sure why.

My so called family has been driving me nuts lately. Perhaps one of these days I'll hear a "How was your day?" instead of insults and ranting. Sad I'm beginning to get tired again... Crying or Very sad
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Roseless
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 5:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hi. i can't really help at all because i dont exactly know how but i can do a coupla things.

Very Happy (((((chispita)))) how was your day?

or actually i can fix that tiny hug

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((chispita)))))))))
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy (smiley today huh? smile...plz smile) Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy how was your day?

(if that doesn't help i'll make u an even bigger hug and a lot more smileys...just keep your chin up. it'll be alright. like that song on Tarzan...u'll be in my hear, yes u'll be in my heart, no matter what they say, always...remember that ok?)
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It's gonna be alright,
it's gonna be okay
just hold on tight
and let it all go away. - Melissa Etheridge, Mercy
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Chispita
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 6:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Geez... Thanks! Embarassed *Blushes* My day just started, so there's not much to report.

I don't know... I'm so scared and sad right now. Can't quite explain it. Why are my dreams/nightmares becoming so much more intense???? Ahhhh!
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