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Did this mess up my life?
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Do you think the abuse ruined your life?
yes
66%
 66%  [ 6 ]
no
33%
 33%  [ 3 ]
Total Votes : 9

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Roseless
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Location: Smile Town(north of shitville)

PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:31 am    Post subject: Did this mess up my life? Reply with quote

the title pretty much says what this is about. I just kinda wondered if this stuff messes up our lives. i know once my mom asked why i dressed so "weird". my response was, "this is what your son did to me". That wasn't the best answer ever but it was the truth. I mean, the music i listen to, the songs i write, the books i read, my grades, everything was messed with somehow.

I know if this hadn't happened, I wouldn't be so angry. I wouldn't have the rage and I wouldn't be suicidal. I know that I definetally wouldn't worry as much about hurting other people with the things i do. My poems would be about love and all that stuff instead of pain that not many people know about but a good few do. I wouldn't be so hard on myself and i definetally wouldn't scare people away to protect myself.

I'd probably be popular like he was. The one that tells the jokes and makes people laugh. The one that's freinds with everyone no matter how much they hurt me. but instead, i'm the scary girl. Not punk but not normal. Tom-boyish punk girl. The one everyone thinks gets into trouble. All the adults know I'm sweet, quiet, and wouldn't hurt anyone on purpose. but the kids think that all the fires in the town are my fault. They think I constantly party, get bad grades, constantly have sex and worship the devil.

But that's not me. So, I listen to heavy metal and death metal music but there is also punk, rock, pop, rap...a mix of everything. I just enjoy the metal because it expresses pain in the same way I do, so it's cool and helps me get inspiration. like, two kids got in a fight at school and one pushed the other through the wall. I was at lunch kind of. I was outside not eating. (i dont always eat lunch, never breakfast, some days i dont eat at all) I walked into my Algebra class with a grumpy look on my face cuz I wasn't all that happy that day. They assumed I pushed the guy through the wall. Just because sometimes i write things on my notebooks that say "It's cool when you run from the police but pathetic when the police run from you." they think I am constantly in trouble with the cops.

I stay in my room most of the time because I just like being alone. But i'm starting to come out more. Before all of this, I would hang out with the family. I'd laugh and be happy most of the time. I'd watch That 70s Show and King of the Hill. I'd actually do stuff with them. After the abuse started, i shrunk away. I stayed kept to myself and i'm still doing it.

I know that the abuse changes us and scars us forever inside but does it also ruin our lives? People have told me that over the years, I've gotton more bitter and mean and rude. I'm not shy. If something bothers me i speak out. Most of the time i'm in a shitty mood. And i hate being that way. Always mad...

I think it has ruined my life. It smashed my dreams of singing. It seems like too big of a goal now. So, unrealistic that I think bad about me for even thinking I might have had a chance. I'm a #*$# good singer. Everyone says I am and I know it. I'm good at the flute too but I love to sing. It's something that releases stress and calms me down. And I wanted to be a singer, start a band, and make it big time. I thought that i was good enough. But after all this crap started, I realized that wasn't going to happen. That there was no way I'd make it big like I wanted.

Even my thing as a author or poet seems to big. I dont know why but it does. Even my journalist goal seems huge and out of reach. I've given up on the dream that was most important to me and I don't want to give up on any more. This has ruined me. I think. How come it feels like he's taken everything from me and no matter how much I heal, I'll never get it back? I want it. Hell I deserve it but I can't get it back. And that sucks. That's the worst thing of all. Knowing how much this messed with me and changed me.

I like who I am. I am artistic and a great writer but I also hate that I write about pain. Whether it's on the surface or you have to look at the poem and figure out what it's about, it's there. It's always there. Even in the very few happy poems I write. The pain is there. You just have to read between the lines to find it. I hate having the pain there and having to hide it. I have to hide it at school a lot. Out in public, I have to hide it. I hide the pain when people stare at my scars. I hide it when they mention my brother. It's there but hidden and pushed down inside so it doesn't show.

He ruined everything I wanted. Crushed my dreams, through who I was out the window and Shaped who I would become. And that hurts. I'm who he made me. I know the real me is somewhere but I can't find her...and i want her back but i can't reach her...Just like my singing and writing dreams, she blew away in the wind. Sad
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 1:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought for a long time that the abuse ruined my life. Much in the same way you describe Rose, I thought things were just too hard and I gave up even trying. It's not untill recently that I realized that he didn't take that power from me. I gave it up myself. I sat down on the side of the road of life and decided it wasn't worth it.

You know the old cliche: "that which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger?" Well as often is the case with cliche's it's true. Right now I've taken quite the opposite tack. The abuse is what challenged me to make something good of my life, come hell or high water. I've been through hell allready, I know the neighbors there... lived there for quite a bit.
"there's power in nothing to lose"

One day I got up and said to myself:
"self, if you're not going to live you might as well die"
I knew exactly what I meant by that: If I'm not going to at least try to make my life happen the way I want it, the way that expresses the soul of who I am, I might as well give up and well.

These days, I'm one hell of a strong woman. Sure I've still got my off days and bad habits that I tinker with, but I've noticed that just being around me confronts people with their own story.
I don't allow my story to dictate who I am. I don't live from my story, my abuse is an incident, something that happened on the road through life. I live from my vision. My life is about spreading love and raising awareness. The events of my childhood are just something I've had to overcome in order to do that.

Is my vision and outlook on life different than it would have been had I not been abused? Would I perhaps have been married and raising a family? Or who knows, become a famous artist? I have no way of knowing. This is my life. And it's not messed up. It's my life!

You can spend a lifetime blaming somebody else for messing up your life, and you're forgetting that by doing so, you are the one messing it up. You are giving away your personal power when you do that. You become your history, instead of being who you are NOW.

Ivonne
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Roseless
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 3:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i just wondered cuz sometimes it feels like it did mess everything up and other times it feels like i didn't and it confuses me. hmmmmmmm
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 3:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

At each moment you can chose to be defined by your story or to be defined by your vision.

So in each moment you get to choose how much this has messed up your life.

In your poetry your pain shows. Actually poetry about butterfly's and shiny happy people can be annoying once you've known pain. Many people have known pain. It can be a comfort to read about other peoples pain.

I love Melissa Etheridges music. The hurt, the heartache, the clear expression of pain helps me overcome mine. This may be what becomes your strength, having known pain you can help others overcome theirs. Your purpose, your direction, this is what you need to focus on. What your life is really all about.

Another great singer, quite different, but beautifull, Kate Wolff, said in one of her songs: "find the things you care about, and live a life that shows it"
She died, very young, from cancer. Her songs reflect the wisdom she has learned through facing adversity.

Ivonne
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Roseless
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 3:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

that's why i hate songs about love and stuff. it's not entirely real. not everything in life is all happy and full of rainbows. that's y i kinda like metal music. cuz it's full of pain but ppl just hear screaming so they ignore it which is really stupid. i think they ignore it because they dont wanna believe that there is pain like that but either way it's dumb.
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It's gonna be alright,
it's gonna be okay
just hold on tight
and let it all go away. - Melissa Etheridge, Mercy
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 4:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah but Rose, can't you see that even the most painfilled enraged songs are about love?

Not the rainbow, shiny happy people type of love, to be sure, but nothing hurts if there's no love that's being trampled, betrayed, unrequited... It's difficult to care about songs about rocks. The most painfull songs are about love:
"every rose has it's thorn" by Bon Jovi I think? (about love)
"du hasst mich" by Rammstein (about love)
"Scarecrow" by Melissa Etheridge (about love)
"Goodnight Saigon" by Billy Joel (about love)

Now on the surface these songs may seem to be about war or murder or hatred, but the only way we care about any of that is because there's love in those songs.

All the really good songs are about love, and almost all of them are about the painful side of love.

Ivonne
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We dont see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
-Anas Nin
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Roseless
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Location: Smile Town(north of shitville)

PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 4:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

well i knew that about Every Rose Has It's Thorn...title is a dead giveaway. never heard the melissa etheridge one or the billy joel one and Du Haast Mich is in german so i can't understand what they're saying anyway. which is y the english version would have been a better choice but it probably wouldn't have sounded as good.

i meant that the shiny rainbow side of love that everyone writes about is stupid. so, they fall in love, can't have who they love, so they have to make a whiney song about it. really just stupid in my opinion. i just thought of something. people who think nothing bad happens in the world bug me. i have a freind like that and sometimes i just wanna say "u know, u got a new puppy but i got a new scar. not everything is so sweet" but i dont. i keep my mouth shut.

jeez someone needs to make a movie that's just about people's pain. maybe get the message across that not everything is all happy... that'd be a cool movie too...put some cool songs with it and u got a hit! Very Happy
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It's gonna be alright,
it's gonna be okay
just hold on tight
and let it all go away. - Melissa Etheridge, Mercy
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 4:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think you've allready got the title track to the movie right there hun: "you've got a new puppy, I've got a new scar" How about calling the movie: Not everything is so sweet?

I think you're learning how to write the really good songs, rather than the inane puppylove songs...

I'll look for the movie and I fully expect my name to show up in the dedication Wink

Ivonne
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We dont see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
-Anas Nin
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Roseless
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 4:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

okay so we have a title. thing is we're missing the one huge thing for that title. the song... unless u make it an all instrumental song then that makes it easy to write the words. Very Happy

oh well. now i have somethin else to write...so, maybe my words will start coming back in my head so i can write it...cuz i used up all my poet juice. my words aren't working... so, i'll follow the example of my avatar until my brain works. Laughing
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It's gonna be alright,
it's gonna be okay
just hold on tight
and let it all go away. - Melissa Etheridge, Mercy
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ivonne
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Joined: 09 Jun 2004
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Location: the netherlands

PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 4:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Perhaps if you started with designing the music, the words will come... The title is great, love the puppy and the scar... it's a nice contrast...

Have you ever watched the movie girl interrupted? it's interesting... Not all movies and songs are about the inane happy go lucky kind of smooth love thing.

A friend of mine did something interesting. His son was growing up all straight A+ student, not adversity or whatever... So he proposed that they go on a year long trip together. Take leave of what they thought was their life, and find out what else it could be. That's the kind of parenting that comes from having a realistic vision of what life is about...

Anyway, I thought that was a really cool thing to do.

later,
Ivonne
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We dont see things as they are,
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-Anas Nin
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