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Forgiving the abuser
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Can you forgive your abuser?
yes
16%
 16%  [ 5 ]
no
83%
 83%  [ 26 ]
Total Votes : 31

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Roseless
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Joined: 25 Jun 2006
Posts: 648
Location: Smile Town(north of shitville)

PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 5:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i know i told my brother that i forgave him. but i have to take it back. i just can't forgive what he did. that's too hard. he hurt me and i'm gonna be scared forever. he didn't ruin my life but he threw it off pretty far and he's not apologizing or acknowledging that he did. if he'd have done that when he was asked, he'd get my forgiveness. now, he's got no chance. that's when he decided how things were going to go. it's not the act that's unforgivable its him not admitting to it....at least that's wut i think
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Jane_R
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Joined: 29 Apr 2006
Posts: 492
Location: New England, USA

PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 5:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, I feel that forgiveness is a gift, and a huge one. You were willing to give it, which is quite amazing. But he has forfeited his chance by remaining unwilling to take responsibility. I don't even think it's ethical to give such a gift to someone who won't own up--it's like spoiling him, or telling him that his actions have no consequences. It doesn't seem right to me.

And also, you are dealing with it/him right here & now. 20 years down the road, when you live 1000 miles away, things may feel different (or not). But you don't have to worry about it now. and please, don't let anyone pressure you into thinking you "should" forgive him now.
J
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Roseless
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Joined: 25 Jun 2006
Posts: 648
Location: Smile Town(north of shitville)

PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 5:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i've made up my mind. i refuse to forgive him until he owns up. even then, it'll take some thinking...
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it's gonna be okay
just hold on tight
and let it all go away. - Melissa Etheridge, Mercy
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Jane_R
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Joined: 29 Apr 2006
Posts: 492
Location: New England, USA

PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 5:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You bet! It's only fair that he should have to move some distance, do some work in order to be forgiven. You take care of Rose--he's going to have to learn how to live his own life. I am sorry he's not taking this opportunity to take responsibility and grow--it might not look good for future relationships in his life. And you certainly can't fix that. Forgiving him without his apologizing would be the wrong signal in terms of his future growth.

You hang in there!!!!

J
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Chispita
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Joined: 06 Sep 2004
Posts: 184
Location: US

PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 6:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I believe that forgiveness can be granted with or without the other asking for forgiveness. However, forgiveness is, like Jane said, a gift you and ONLY you decide whether or not to give. I think that with time, you may (or may not) find it in your heart to forgive your brother. Now whether or not he deserves it, that's a whole other subject. I also think that until you don't heal (which takes a while), it's very hard to forgive your abuser. See for me, forgiveness is not just granting pardon, but also ceasing to harbor resentment. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. Sometimes I think that forgiveness is not only a gift you give to someone, but also one you give yourself. We are all humans and we all make mistakes. At the same time, as humans, we need to be held accountable for those mistakes. To not own up to a mistake is an act of cowardness. To show no remorse means that a lesson hasn't been learned, that a person hasn't realized or chooses not to realize what he/she has done wrong and the consequences of it. What I'm trying to say Rose is that forgiving your brother is something that you and only you can do if and when you want to. However, you don't have to wait until your brother owns up to what he did and shows remorse. Forgiving is not necessarily giving him a "get out of jail for free card." It can be a statement of: "Hey, you and I both know what you did even though you don't admit it. I still choose to forgive you even though you may not deserve it because I don't want to live with the resentment forever. We are all humans and we all make mistakes. I can only hope that you do realize what you have done and that you learn and fix the problem. I'm only forgiving you, not forgetting..." It's a decision that you can only make when the time is right... Maybe not now or in the near future, maybe not ever... People should respect that decision, whichever it may be and not give you a hard time about it. Just know that you don't have to wait until your brother grows up (How old is he anyway???) to let go of your resentment. Smile
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HEAVEN
newbie 1st class
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Joined: 17 Nov 2006
Posts: 17
Location: toronto

PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 8:04 am    Post subject: forgiveness? Reply with quote

There is no forgiveness with out repentance.
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belleanna26
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Joined: 19 Sep 2007
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 3:05 pm    Post subject: Don't think it's as black and white Reply with quote

Can I forgive my abusers, maybe? In the case of my mum, no. But Him yes but not because I want him to get off free from the guilt, but coz I wanna free myself.
I met him outside a supper market 5 years ago, I was on my own and I dunno where it came form, but I walked right up to him and said:
"I know what you did to me, and you know hwat you did to me, and God knows what you did to me. You may of won in court, but god will be your judge. And so you sick twisted git, I forgive you, you have no power over me and my life anymore, you can live with the guilt and shame for the rest of your life, because you can't hurt me anymore, you don't scare me, I actually feel sorry for you. You maybe able to fool people but you know who you really are and you have to live with that"

When I walked away I was shaking uncontrollably, and felt sick. But now when I look back i'm glad that I did that because when I was younger I was powerless and he made me feel that it was my fault. I gave the responsibility back to him and retook the power back.

Now when I see him I am not frightened, HE IS! LOL
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ivonne
Posting Freak
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Joined: 09 Jun 2004
Posts: 5874
Location: the netherlands

PostPosted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 3:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Goosebumps, wow girl, that's some way to take your personal power back!!!

Way to go!!

Ivonne
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rees_mom
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Joined: 11 Oct 2007
Posts: 9
Location: The Fraser Valley, BC

PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2007 1:17 pm    Post subject: Forgivness - I don't think so... Reply with quote

I don't think I can ever forgive my daughters abuser. He was my boyfriend, he was my bestfriend, and he took the trust we offered him and used it to destroy so much in my little girls life. It is even harder to consider forgiveness since I found out that he had been in prison for this before. He had even received a pardon for doing the same thing 20 years ago!!! I am trying to stay strong for her but many times I fall apart when I am alone and I know that she can't see me crumble because I want her to see me be strong for her. So I am not sure if there will ever be forgiveness for him from me.
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Francis Joseph Cassavant
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Joined: 17 Jan 2008
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 7:12 pm    Post subject: Forgiveness: Ambiguous for some, Vague for others Reply with quote

Forgiveness. Not a unitary phenomenon. Each of us has a different understanding of what it entails. We are influenced by our culture, education, religious beliefs, race, gender, socio-economic status, and more. Therefore, this is an ultimate example of personal responsibility. Personal because only you can understand what the act of forgiving means in your situation. Responsible because only you will carry the burden of the decision you make.

[Caveat: You can not, therefore, extend forgiveness on behalf of another. Ever. Under any circumstances.]

Whatever choice you make, be sure you understand exactly what forgiveness means to you and if you believe retraction is possible if necessary. This is, indeed, a bell that may not be unrung.
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