Community Forums
Forum Index FAQFAQ SearchSearch MemberlistMemberlist UsergroupsUsergroups ProfileProfile Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages Log inLog in RegisterRegister
Forgiving the abuser
Goto page 1, 2, 3  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    S&F's Forum Index -> Open for Debate
View previous topic :: View next topic  

Can you forgive your abuser?
yes
16%
 16%  [ 5 ]
no
83%
 83%  [ 26 ]
Total Votes : 31

Author Message
Roseless
Senior Member
Senior Member


Joined: 25 Jun 2006
Posts: 648
Location: Smile Town(north of shitville)

PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2006 1:47 am    Post subject: Forgiving the abuser Reply with quote

Just kinda wondering how you are supposed to forgive the abuser. I know it would take a lot for me to be abe to do that. But my question is how easily can you forgive them and how?
_________________
It's gonna be alright,
it's gonna be okay
just hold on tight
and let it all go away. - Melissa Etheridge, Mercy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
ivonne
Posting Freak
Posting Freak


Joined: 09 Jun 2004
Posts: 5874
Location: the netherlands

PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2006 4:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's not easy, it's never been easy... however I have made it a point to learn about my abusers life and the way he was raised and such. I've made it a point to keep seeing him as a human being.

It's easy to judge someone on the basis of their actions. Easier still if they are persisting in their actions, as my abuser almost certainly is.

I truly feel that if I were to totally demonize my abuser and deny his humanity, I would do myself a disservice. That would make him wrong and me right. But how then would I be able to deal with the things I did wrong? How would I forgive myself for the things I've done that weren't up to code?

Ivonne
_________________
We dont see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
-Anas Nin
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
Tgrrr10
Posting Freak
Posting Freak


Joined: 02 Aug 2005
Posts: 1006
Location: Midwest, USA

PostPosted: Wed Jul 19, 2006 5:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's an interesting point you make Ivonne
Quote:
But how then would I be able to deal with the things I did wrong? How would I forgive myself for the things I've done that weren't up to code?


I guess my question then is, are there different levels of "things done wrong?" I suppose the intent behind the action would weigh in at some point. I have a lot of "what ifs" going through my head, and basically I'm just wondering if someone does something that has a long lasting effect on someone elses life, does it matter if they meant to or not? When it comes to the law-motivation matters--does it matter when thinking about forgiveness? Just curious as to what people think on that.

T
_________________
~Just when the catepillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly~ -Anonymous

"No Day But Today" -Jonathan Larson

*everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end.*
unknown
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ivonne
Posting Freak
Posting Freak


Joined: 09 Jun 2004
Posts: 5874
Location: the netherlands

PostPosted: Wed Jul 19, 2006 10:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think it is difficult to talk about intent. On my own infractions: I've done stuff that wasn't right, but did I know it at the time?

Forgiveness, in my mind, is not about the size of the infraction, it's about recognizing you can do bad things and still be human.

I remember my brother hit me at one point. I also remember that I didn't look him in the eye for six months after that. I also remember forgiving him. It I had known how good that felt, I would have forgone the 6 months punishment.

Wasn't it Jesus who said: "forgive them for they know not what they do?"

Ivonne
_________________
We dont see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
-Anas Nin
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
baypoint
Junior Member
Junior Member


Joined: 11 Jun 2006
Posts: 56
Location: California

PostPosted: Wed Jul 19, 2006 12:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was the disciple Stephen, just before he was stoned to death...but the point is a valid one...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Tgrrr10
Posting Freak
Posting Freak


Joined: 02 Aug 2005
Posts: 1006
Location: Midwest, USA

PostPosted: Thu Jul 20, 2006 5:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I see where you're coming from. Not one to really base things on what was said in the Bible though Smile Tend to find it contridictory at times. I hear what you're saying Ivonne, forgiveness does you better than hoilding a grudge, still say it's not something that needs to happen or even a goal to work towards. I guess I just find that people can "not mean" to do something or not even know the consequences of their actions, but what if they do? I guess growing up in a society where the rule of just because you are ignorant to a rule doesn't mean it doesn't apply to you exsists. I'm talking basic traffic rules. Neighboring states may have different laws, we are not exempt to those laws just because we don't know them. Not saying there shouldn't be a learning curve in life and to err is human. Just pondering over the responsibilty one has to one owns actions. If someone never takes ownership of what they did and they don't learn from it, do we pardon them? (For the sake of debate Smile

T
_________________
~Just when the catepillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly~ -Anonymous

"No Day But Today" -Jonathan Larson

*everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end.*
unknown
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ivonne
Posting Freak
Posting Freak


Joined: 09 Jun 2004
Posts: 5874
Location: the netherlands

PostPosted: Thu Jul 20, 2006 5:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, there is a difference between pardonning someone and forgiving them...

Forgiving is recognizing that we are all human and prone to make mistakes. The size of the mistakes doesn't matter, in my mind.
Pardonning someone means you exonorate them. That's well and good when someone has an awareness of what they've done and how this has hurt you. A pardon is a "get out of jail free" card.

Forgiveness is the key to the prison.

You see, as much at it hurt me that my brother hit me, the six months I spent in vengence hurt me more. I doubt if to this day he realizes how much he hurt me by hitting me like that. I doubt if he even remembers. The struggle for forgiveness is not about him. Never was...

Ivonne

p.s. I'm not much on biblequotes, but I do seem to remember Jesus on the cross, his last words to his father being: "Forgive them for they know not what they do"... Could it be that Catholics have a different bible?
Anyway, regardless of who spoke it, I think forgiveness doesn't include a pardon, it is about not standing in judgement over someone else. "There but for the grace of God go I", kind of feeling... (grin... for an atheist I sure know my bible-misquotes)
_________________
We dont see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
-Anas Nin
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
Heretic_Ang3L
Junior Member
Junior Member


Joined: 18 Mar 2005
Posts: 60

PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 6:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I voted no. Forgiving is for yourself, not necessarily the other person. I do not have to forgive in order to come to terms with things (as best as I can).

To me forgiveness is a degree of excusing the behavior.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Roseless
Senior Member
Senior Member


Joined: 25 Jun 2006
Posts: 648
Location: Smile Town(north of shitville)

PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 6:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

that's a good point...
_________________
It's gonna be alright,
it's gonna be okay
just hold on tight
and let it all go away. - Melissa Etheridge, Mercy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Jane_R
Senior Member
Senior Member


Joined: 29 Apr 2006
Posts: 492
Location: New England, USA

PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 5:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I voted no also. I dont' think my definition of forgiveness is maybe the same as Ivonne's. These days I am not feeling stuck in anger or stuck in memories. In fact I can feel that I love my abuser (my father), but at the same time I don't feel I forgive him. I don't think it's forgivable for a parent to abuse a child, even if he had a rotten childhood or whatever.

Jane
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    S&F's Forum Index -> Open for Debate All times are GMT + 4 Hours
Goto page 1, 2, 3  Next
Page 1 of 3

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group

Site by Flashfire Designs
Copyright 1993-2003, Survivors & Friends

Help Out
Make a Donation Order Flowers S&F Bookstore
About Us
General Info Staff Mission Statement Contact Us
Misc
Awards Web Rings