can't have a normal lifestyle like everyone else

[misswishful]

I've had sex with three guys in the past year without a friekin condom!!!
i hate myself. now i don't know if i would hate myself if it was with a condom because these guys are ugly and NOT at my level (not in college)

guy 1 was from my high school and was a really good friend of mine. after my abusive relationship with my bf for four years i started reconnecting with old friends again. but i was not up for a relationship. so i finally meet up with him several times and caught up. one day he comes over to my place, and i knew he was definitely up to something since he didn't bring a dvd like he promised. im so ffffn mad at him he was so forward and i gave in!!! (at this time i gave up on my religion cause i felt like God was never in control of my life so i thought i could do whatever i want..but not like this!) we don't talk anymore cause im so angry with him. and i wish that i hadmore power to have said no.

guy 2 from the streets, decided that i like him i don't know why???! we clicked talking on the phone, guess cause he was the complete opp of my bf, i don't know. go to his place so i just want to have a good time. (at this point in my life i decided to reconnect with God because than i wouldn't make stupid decisions like the last one and just wait for the right guy to come) but either way i end up doing it why? i don't know i guess i like sex so i was curious. i did not feel guilty, used protection ( this is the way casual sex SHOULD be) but the next time i saw him i did not. i hate me!!!!!!!!

obviously after i couple of months i went to a deep depresssion, started having flashbacks about my childhood and teen yrs and found out about this site..where i was able to open about my abuse for the first time ever! and i felt much better..i still need help tho.

nehow, the last guy was this past weekend!!! we met at this salsa dance club and i decided to go to his place cause i could not stay another day in the house (wish i just stayed and vowed to try to not to be alone with a guy, i guess i have learned my lesson) we had such a great time movie dinner played pool had some drinks (yes this time i was intoxicated, bad judgement) but still could have said no, the guy would have respected my decision, he was not the type to force me to do anything. stupid meee!

what is the mtter with me? i hate how i don't have any respect for myself.
eventhough my relationship with my past bf had ups and downs, i sometimes wish i was still with him because i wouldn't be going through all this. he was my rock. but i don't think we could ever be..its complicated.

i just wanted to have a normal sex life but i can't cause my past just takes over my head!!! also i hated how i pushed the good ones away, and not exactly gave them a chance. maybe cause their too good for me.

anyhow i'm here just venting, i'm sorry this is long. i know i need counciling which i finally seeked i just need to hurry up and make and appt. but so much has beeen going on. i work a lot. and finally schools over. i just want a new year to come a better year..where im happy. i know i definitely need antidepressants. or maybe my old bf was my cure. but i don't know if i should get back with him...

okay good nite everyone...i think i feel better now.

[ivonne]

Is it just barely possible that you just like sex and well, having it is not such a big deal?

I like sex, I have experimented quite a bit in my life before healing and settling down to having not one but two loving relationships in my life.

The thing with protection: perhaps if you gave yourself permission to have sex whenever you feel like it, you would be able to be firm with yourself over the protection issue. After all, there's some pretty horrendous diseases out there.

Have you been tested after all this? If not, please make sure you get the testing done. And buy some condoms, to carry with you. Even if it appears to send the message that you're easy, at least you'll be safe.

By the way, you're not that different from most people. No need to be so hard on yourself. A shocking 50% of all one night stands are done without protection. Just take precautions to see that you are safe and plan for the possibility of having sex.

good luck and welcome to the forum!

Ivonne
_________________
We don’t see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
–-Anaîs Nin

[misswishful]

hey thanks.
i was hoping that you wouldn't be the one who would reply but now im kinda glad that you did.
don't take it personally, its just that i know your story and its not that serious..and i thought it was kinda strange that your only to help others. and i mean only. just saying.
but your honest and i like that. thanks

[ivonne]

I'm not sure where you got the impression that my story wasn't that serious. I was abused for 7 years by someone who later became my brother in law.

When I first started posting here maybe five years ago now I was just as much a seeker of comfort and commiseration, advise and community as everyone else.

With the help of the people here and a good therapist I was able to heal. To not have abuse be the single most important thing in my life. It's been a struggle.

Nowadays I come here mostly to help and to visit with old friends and some new, like you.

Ivonne
_________________
We don’t see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
–-Anaîs Nin

[fightingthefear]

ivonne i apprciate the advice you give out, altho i dont post to you, i really enjoy reading that you have to say

everyones story is diffrent, but were all here because we once have or do feel pain.

[YankeeBob]

perhaps you need to know how to do relationships....say by having someone else present in the beginning.

does that make sense ?
_________________
Courage to Change

[suz]

Yankeebob, what do you mean by "having someone else present"?