Joined: 27 Jun 2018
|Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2018 10:45 pm Post subject: I think my friend is being abused
|My best fri me has been dating her boyfriend for a couple of years now. They’ve always had some conflict, but I always chalked it up to the fact that this was their first serious relationship that they’ve ever had. I assumed that things would smooth out eventually and that things would become less intense and more stable as time went on. I assumed wrong.
There were red flags that I completely ignored, thinking that I was being paranoid or too judgemental. He made her happy and I just wanted her to be happy. He seemed like a decent enough guy - not perfect, but good company.
Over the years I watched her mental health deteriorate. Yes, her mental health was already in a precarious place, but since she started dating him I have never been more afraid for her wellbeing. She constantly doubts herself, thinking that she’s somehow responsible for his feelings, that she should have to accommodate for his needs to the exclusion of everyone else, especially herself. She’s made so many excuses for his behaviour even when it’s blatantly clear that he was wrong. One time he was even abusive to one of our mutual friends and sent them harassing messages because of a perceived slight against him. My friend claims he acted out because of his previous trauma and abandonment issues. He also has so many toxic friends who have made my friend feel threatened but he gaslights her, framing the issue like she’s exxagerating and mentally unwell.
I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I ignored his history of violence and bullying. I let his atrocious behaviour slide, wanting to believe that he was just immature and ignorant of social customs. That was until I found out that he was reading my friend’s private messages to me. He claimed it was an accident, but I call bullshit.
I knew something was up when she suddenly started being so secretive, telling me “it’s private”. Now I know why - the #$$% didn’t want me to know without him being there to provide “context” (I.e, controlling the narrative).
I’m seething with rage. I want to smash his face in. I’m ashamed that I was so wilfully ignorant and I’m terrified because she’s so isolated these days. She used to be so sociable and now she barely sees friends or family. I also have a sneaking suspicion that he’s trying to brainwash me, as he seems very insistent on me hanging out with her but only when he’s around.
I’m here on this forum because I know that if I lash out at him then that will hurt her. So I’m here to commiserate, learn from others and stop myself from doing something he’ll regret.
So hi everyone, it’s nice to meet you