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do you ever talk about your past to potential new partners?

 
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MissRable
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2013 1:06 am    Post subject: do you ever talk about your past to potential new partners? Reply with quote

Do you tell them now, get it out in the open and then they can decide if they wanna stay or not?? Do you leave it and not say anything, but with the potential that it could resurface in the future?? And them not understanding why you don't like certain things or what things can trigger??
I'm not in a position to date yet but would like to know your views

I told my partner (he was a controlling bully anyway) after 4 and a half years and he really ruined my life. During arguments he would say the vilest things and also confronted the 'perpetrator' to which I reacted really badly because it wasn't his place to do so. Shortly after I left him and took our son with me. Looking back I wish I didn't tell him or I told him sooner. I'm not sure which would be better for the future. I don't want to waste my life again.

Thanks
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2013 8:06 pm    Post subject: Better sooner than later Reply with quote

I have and would again tell any potential partner before getting seriously involved. I am open and upfront about it and I know my limits, my pitfalls and I also tell people what I expect of them to do or leave undone.

That said: it's not an easy topic for most. I don't want them to start tiptoeing around me and I tell them that.

In terms of partnerships: I stay away from controlling partners and have a finely tuned alarm system. I don't wish to go down that road. In telling people about the abuse you can also gauge what their reaction might be.

Hope you don't mind this answer being a little later... I've been absent from this site for quite a while. Just visiting today.

love,
Ivonne
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MissRable
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 09, 2013 5:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

No, thank you, I appreciate any reply. Not after a relationship yet unless it happens but was unsure the best course of action. I don't think I have the energy for another destructive relationship, so wanted some advice. Thank you. I don't mind sharing my past but only to someone I felt I could trust but on the same note I don't want to burden them with my problems. It is something that does need airing because it does crop up, even in the simplest of situations. Knowledge is power and all that.

Thank you

S xx
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2013 11:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The more often you tell about it, the easier it becomes.
It's become clear to me that I "burden" the other person with it unfairly if I don't tell and tell fairly early in the relationship.

It's helped me in several ways. First of all, because I've been able to weed out potentially disastrous relationships but most of all because if I'm going to have a relationship, I want to share what's going in inside me.

The purpose of a relationship is to share the burdens of everything that goes on within the people in the relationship. Strong together.

greetz,
Ivonne
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SueSee
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 2:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Talking about what happened to me hasn't been an easy thing. I told one of my close friends (at the time) a little about being molested as a child, and she was the only one I really ever told. What i'm struggling with now is telling me girlfriend. I don't know how to even go about it. We've been in a relationship for almost two years and I don't know if there really is a need to tell her, yet sometimes I really want to. I'm just afraid it would change how she looked at me. There's also the fact that one of the people who molested me is a relative and he's still very much a part of my life. It was all completely swept under the rug. So I don't want to make things weird for her too.
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MissRable
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 30, 2013 11:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Suesee, that's exactly the same with me. Close family member who is still around. It's difficult.
Hate as well as pity for them. I think being upfront and honest is the way forward, maybe not who but just the basic. So that they can understand a little.
S x
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 4:03 am    Post subject: Learning to talk Reply with quote

It's important that we learn how to talk about it.

MisRable's tip is good: without naming the perpetrator it's a little easier to tell about it.

Also, generally there's no need to go into detail about what happened. That's not what sharing is about. What it is about is telling what it did to you. How you felt as a result. How it still affects you. How you're struggling to overcome the effects and affects. Sharing how it is dat it is still bothering you after so many years. When you talk about that, people will start to understand.
(at least that is my experience)

warmly,
Ivonne
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EvenFlowersHeal
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2014 2:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't tell anyone. I know a lot of people think my partners are entitled to know but I disagree. I've had about ENOUGH of being told that others have rights to private pieces of me.

I just wish my desire to keep it to myself weren't laced with resentment. I wish I didn't get angry every time someone came too close to asking a threatening question about my past or sexual experiences. I wish I could just brush it off as an intrusive question and not HATE the person FOREVER afterward.
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Maria13
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 23, 2018 3:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Agree with you.
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