Little Cuzn tried to kill herself..🤔

[Taubah]

I haven't done this in so long but here we go.

My heart has been heavy last few days and I've been ignoring it all. My little Cuzn (16) attempted suicide the other day, and it got me thinking.
I'm not gonna say that I blame myself, but I'm also not gonna say that I don't.. but I do feel I could have been 'that' person for her like I had been for all her sublings before her.

So I guess I'm feeling guilt.

After her older sister Telly grew up, I felt that I needed to focus my emotional attention to my own children as they are older now and I need to make sure they have my energy and my love and my all. Make sure they don't feel alone, feel protected, feel important.... and thank God my children are good.... but now when it comes to my cousins.... I feel as though, I've dropped the ball!

Thing is ibwasnt surprised when I got word that Tea tried to take her life. I could see I saw the signs I saw the pain I saw the need and I dismissed it. I dismissed it because I'm drained with my own kids but now I don't know where to stand.

I use to feel like I wanted to save the world. That I wanted to save every tearieeyed lost little kid. I use to be able to open my heart to everyone and be 'that' person.... now I'm so far from the struggle (within myself) that I don't remember and don't want to open it back up to get into that place within myself to relate and be her voice.

My older Cuzn had her first kid when she was 14 I was 4. By the time I was 12 she had 3 additional children and by the time I was 18 she had 5 total. I took each under my wing emotionally over the years and successfully got them to adulthood alive. I mean I don't mean I did by myself but..... emotionally, I did by myself.

I had such a huge passion to make sure they were ok. Protect them make sure they feel loved.... but I didn't do that for Tea... she is 16 I'm 33 and my kids are 10 and 13 and Tea.... Tea has secrets...

Sigh.... she's got secrets that I don't know about and she's displayed all the signs of possible sexual abuse all the signs of.... ugh so many things and what did I do. I told her mom over the years since Tea was 8 she needs to look out for Tea. She's the second to last of five kids and so overlooked. So sad lonely and also felt like her feelings, her words, her thoughts and wants were not important.... and I knew that because she's told me. I spent time speaking to her over the years... encouraging her and giving her my love but I know and she probably knew it was half assed like everyone else.

I'm disappointed in myself. Yes I told her mom many many times Tea isn't happy Tea isn't this and that... her moms reply? Oh she's just dramatic and I didn't have it in me anymore to care.... I mean I care... but you know what type of care I mean.

Now she's in the hospital bed at 16 for attempted suicide, she's a cutter and is anorexic.... like come on that's right up my alley... 🙄

I feel so guilty and out of place within it now that it's hard for me to even fight for her because now her sisters are in that place... which is great but at the same time they don't know... they don't know what I know.... but I'm not ' that' person anymore... and if I am I don't know where ' that' part of me is. And I don't know if I want to find it... so yea... my little Cuzn attempted suicide the other day and it got me thinking... I'm not gonna say I blame myself.... but im not gonna say that I don't.
_________________
Parched. dry. i run-
across your soul.
the faceless me i chase,
voiceless and untold.
~Taubah

[Tasha]

Hey Taubah,

I don't know if this will help any. I don't really know what to say, I've kind of lost that part of me too. Lost a lot of who...anyways. It isn't your fault and you know that. Not even a little. Life happens and when it does, you have to do what you have to do. It isn't that you don't care. It might sound awful but sometimes we just can't help because our lives wont allow it. That's what hte healing was for. To heal ourselves past what happened to us. I don't really know what else to say. Maybe now she will get the help she needs so that she will be alright too.
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The best thing about silence, I can leave as quietly as I came.

[Taubah]

I want to know what you were going to say before you said 'anyway'

But is this really what healing means? I mean I don't know.... To be honest after my divorce I think I just cut off emotions and went on with life because I had to do what I had to do. Maybe that's why I don't want to open that part of me again cuz it's like ugh 😑 not that again lol.
_________________
Parched. dry. i run-
across your soul.
the faceless me i chase,
voiceless and untold.
~Taubah

[Rosie]

I was going to say that I lost a lot of who I thought I was.

I think that part of healing is moving on. It's always going to be there but it doesn't have to be like...right there. It is possible that's what happened. Maybe you did just move on because you had to but you know you'll have to deal with it again. Healed or not, we always have to deal with it sometimes.
_________________
http://tashabauer.daportfolio.com/

Almost scary isn't it?

[Taubah]

Yea i agree, moving on is apart of healing. My issue isn't that I have moved on from my own traumas, it's that it's hard for me to now connect to others about theirs. I moved on from my marriage for the same reason I moved on from my abuse. Because I was strong enough to do so. I'm good but I just wonder why it's hard for me to connect nowadays.

Who did you think you were?
_________________
Parched. dry. i run-
across your soul.
the faceless me i chase,
voiceless and untold.
~Taubah

[Rosie]

I wish I could help you with that. I don't exactly know. I tend to push people away. I don't even like going to walmart.

I think that'd be a talk for a different thread. This one is yours.
_________________
http://tashabauer.daportfolio.com/

Almost scary isn't it?

[Taubah]

Rofl mine huh. Nice way of getting out of that one.
Don't forget I see you 👀 always 😘
_________________
Parched. dry. i run-
across your soul.
the faceless me i chase,
voiceless and untold.
~Taubah

[Rosie]

I am still smooth with my words there, chick.
And that is super creepy.
_________________
http://tashabauer.daportfolio.com/

Almost scary isn't it?

[Taubah]

Smooth but obvious 🙄😜
_________________
Parched. dry. i run-
across your soul.
the faceless me i chase,
voiceless and untold.
~Taubah

[Rosie]

I only claimed smooth. Didn't say I was good at pulling wool over anyone's eyes. NEver been good at that lol
_________________
http://tashabauer.daportfolio.com/

Almost scary isn't it?