My Daughter

[Wildflower]

I'm not sure where to start but I guess the jist of it is that this past November my daughter disclosed that her Father (we have been divorced for almost ten years) has been molesting and raping her for the past two and a half years when she goes to his home for weekend visits. Once the police we contacted we found out that he was also doing the same to his step daughter and son who are a year older and a year younger than my daughter. She jus turned 14 and the abuse started sometime when she was 11. Aside from the absolute shock, horror and grief that goes along with finding this out I'm just wondering if anyone else experienced denial. Not that the abuse happened but like an inability to process the information. I feel like since I found out I've been pretending that everything is normal. At first I was deeply depressed and grief stricken but then my daughter told me that me being that way made it hard for her because she feels like it's her fault I'm sad all the time. From the moment she told me that it's like some switch went off in my head. I can't even cry about it in private now. It's like there is no emotion attached to it anymore. I just feel numb. Like this isn't real and yet I know it is. I believe her 100% and in fact he's since confessed to police. But my brain won't let me deal with it. I don't know what to do, I'm afraid all those emotions are just being bottled and will have to get out sooner or later. I feel like I'm somehow betraying my daughter but not feeling it. I have so many feelings about what's happened and yet no attachment to them. I'm just pretending to be my old self, carrying on with life, work etc...this can't be normal. Shouldn't I feel something?

[Kema]

That's an awful lot of feeling to process, I would think it would take a while. And I would think some automatic defenses like being numb would kick in, in the face of such overwhelming stuff.

While I haven't dealt with my child being molested, I do know that the absolutely worst thing in the world is having something happen to your kid. I think it must indeed be absolute shock, horror and grief. It seems to me that denial is absolutely normal, and the emotions will come out when it's time. These things don't run on a time table, they dance to a very individual rhythm of their own, and your own.

You are not betraying your daughter. From what I've read, believing her 100% is the most important thing you could do to stand by her.

I think this is a time to let go of all Shoulds, and listen hard to yourself and your daughter. Never mind what it "should" be, plant yourself firmly in what it is. There's something to be said for putting one foot in front of the other, in such times.

[ivonne]

As Kema said: you're going to need some time to process this. Numbness is an effective strategy, esspecially since your daughter has told you that you being highly emotional isn't helping her.

It's been a while since this post. If you're still reading here, let us know, how are things for you now. Are you feeling again?

Ivonne
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We don’t see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
–-Anaîs Nin