My mother, The Therapist

 
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pellegrino
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 08, 2010 8:37 am    Post subject: My mother, The Therapist Reply with quote

Last Christmas my baby sister broke down and confessed to my mother that our brother had molested us for years as children. My mom called me and asked me if it were true. I was on the freeway in route to her place for dinner. I had to pull over because I was going to be sick, I wasn't ready to talk to her about it, but I had to. I couldn't let my sister down, so I told her it had happened to me for years and by a cousin too.

At first she was really sad for us. Kept saying she was so sorry she wasn't there for me and wanted to know why I never said anything. I was terrfied that she wouldn't beleive me, she loves my brother so much even though he has terrorized our family over and over again. He is in a violent street gang and is addicted to heroine. He has brought gang members to our home when we were younger, we've had our home shot at and raided by police, he was prone to fits of violent anger and has been extremely manipulative towards family members, especially my mother and especially against my sister and I. My mother typically fell for his manupulations too, feeling very guilty that she'd been encarserated during most of his childhood.

About a month after she found out about the abuse, she cornered my sister, who lived with her at the time. And asked her details of the abuse. Where the molestation took place, how old she was, who else was home etc. My sister, J, was 3 when she remembers first being abused. Anyone who knows anything about childhood sexual abuse knows that we tend to push those memories so far out of our minds (so we can function) that when we finally do remember what happened it's all jumbled up.

I remember being abused the day before my seventh birthday, but in the memory we're in a room, in a house, where I did not live at seven years old. So it's obviously two memories in one. I'd been abused in one house and then again in another house and the memories are a little cloudy but there.

Thats how it was for J, but my mom wanted hard facts. When J couldn't give her the details she was looking for, my mother called her a liar. J was in a fragile place, detoxing from Meth and needed a place to stay. To keep the peace she said she was confused and probably hadn't been abused. I couldn't beleive it. I held my ground and my mother cut me out of her life because I wouldn't take my story back.

We only talk now because we recently found out my brother has a terminal illness and doesn't have much time left. I speak to her about once a month, we don't talk about the abuse or the fact that she made J take back her story. I am in therapy, I have a wonderful husband who helps me through the hard times and amazing friends. J has her addiction and our mother who is not supportive of J's journey to healing. How can she heal if she can't even live the truth? The truth is that she was violated, by our own mothers son. It's terrible, I wish it wasn't the truth but it is. And to make her deny that is like begging J to hit the meth again and again.

The worst part of our mother not supporting/beleiving us is that our mother is a therapist. She is in a very specific feilt of therapy but she should definetely know better than to do this to her children.

I've been reading so much on the topic of parents and childre in the aftermath of incest abuse, but I still cannot understand a mother turning her back on her children when they need her the most.

She didn't protect us then, and she wont protect us now. This is the one thing I seem to be hung up on in my therapy and in my personal life.
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ivonne
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm sorry things are so bad for you. It really bites when your mother won't believe you or protect you.
Her being a therapist should make her know better. Her being a mom should make her know better. However... she doesn't know better or is unable to act like she knows better. In the process you and J. are left to fend for yourselves.


Ivonne
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TheMistake
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 2:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My mother has done this to me also. She sometimes admits it happens but then goes and says my story doesnt add up. She wont talk to me now or meet her grandchildren. I totally understand how heartbreaking it is to go threw this. My problem is I am more mad at my mom for not protecting me and bieng on my side then i am at my step dad for doing the things he did. I think it may just take time for us to relieze that we dont need them as much as we think.
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shortilongcreme
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 21, 2011 11:01 pm    Post subject: Some good books Reply with quote

I feel the same way about the therapist( a Christian counselor) that comes to our church FCC in CA. She is not what you might call a therapist she is very odd and she preach a different note than most. This lady believes masturbation is a cure for abuse and molestation and my wife buys into this. I recently started reading a book titled "FACING YOUR GIANTS" by Max Lucado, WILD at Heart and CAPTIVATING, by John Eldredge as well as ROMANCING YOUR HUSBAND by Debra White Smith all four of these books are biblical spiritual based books coupled with the Bible they have helped me better understand the abuse and molestation my wife has suffered at the hands of her four brothers, ex-boyfriends, and her family. While it has completely heal the pains I feel about her abused they have helped me STAND UP AND PRAY FOR A CONTINUE HOPE FOR MY WIFE AND OUR MARRIAGE. If you wish you can e-mail me privately and I will try to find more information and maybe we can assist each other along our spiritual travels Smile
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shaddowcaster
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 24, 2011 8:44 am    Post subject: WRECKAGE IN LIFE Reply with quote

.:}

Last edited by shaddowcaster on Wed Jan 26, 2011 9:24 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Frank
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 12:44 am    Post subject: It Doesn't Matter Reply with quote

My glib and easy answer is It Should Not Matter! What should matter is that you know the truth. My wife didn't speak to her mother for 2 years after she went through some therapy and started to deal with her childhood. Her mother was in denial and to this day while she does not deny it happened talks about my wife's brother as though he were a saint. What helped my wife was telling people, not everyone but close family and friends. They had and have no reason to doubt her and their belief goes a long way to balancing the disbelief and denial of her mother.

Long story short, come out of the closet and tell people what happened to you. You did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. If your mother won't acknowledge what happened to you that is her problem don't make it yours. If the subject comes up and she denies that anything happened firmly tell her it did and that if she chooses to not be supportive you would rather not discuss it with her.
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