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Erico
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Joined: 24 Oct 2010
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 10, 2011 9:08 am    Post subject: 1 month... Reply with quote

As of tomorrow, it will have been 1 month since the survivor in my life, randomly ran out on me on a saturday afternoon, left me alone in the middle of a project to clean up. Since she just didn't feel like doing it anymore, and wandered out like a butterfly to parts unknown.

Weeks ago I was Meditating and asking the universe what I should do about her. I had convinced myself to let her spiral into all the weird explanations she has for everything. "Why did you not want to spend Christmas with the person you love" I asked "Is it possible that you don't actually love me". The great tragedy, though not mine to take on is that she is just not capable of it. It's sad, but her only solution is to convince herself that it must be me somehow. When I was asking the universe about "What exactly should I do." She called up on the phone, It was New years eve and she had found herself alone. She thought maybe calling her boyfriend would be the thing to do.

I told her, nothing had been resolved, I wasn't sure I liked a person who didn't want to spend Christmas with her boyfriend. Her solution was to berate me and tell me how it was all my fault. I told her to have a good one, and that I would take the block off her email, if she had any more thoughts.

The email rant and rave has gone on for weeks now. In the process she has confessed to having some Dissociation. Seems like she is fairly clear that she is borderline dissociative personality disorder. Understand, I don't let her have excuses any more. I treat her like any other person. Like a responsible adult who needs to be held responsible for their actions.

I have no idea what has gone on in the e-mail.... it just flies off the handle and I just let go. No more biting my tongue, no more walking on eggshells. I keep telling her how every time she fights with me, then she thinks we should make up, even though we never resolve anything. She just wants to forget it. I keep explaining to her that what she is involved in is the cycle of abuse, and she keeps wanting to get to the honeymoon phase where we have sex, and I just won't let it get there.

She loves to try an provoke me about her dad, I keep telling her how he is a pervert and a psycopath. She says... "but he is 70 now". FYI... her father became deranged and started talking randomly about sex and kids, and how I needed approval to sleep with her. When I sent him off, he became violent and threatened me.

But ... Like she says... Her dad is fine. Nothing to see. Her other good one is when she tries to convince me I'm crazy... "you made all that up, it didn't happen." I tell her... Oh... Good I'm crazy... well you should probably break up with me then.

she replies "Well I can forgive you".

Me, "no really, you need to hold me accountable, your dad is a sweet guy... I'm a total Jerk... Dump me, Please"

I added a new one... This one kills her, She called me crazy. I turned around on her and said... "Ya, but what I'm crazy for was when I realized your father was a Pervert, I kept Loving you and didn't walk straight out the door."

She is in a constant panic that I refuse to enable and thereby sanction her father's abuse. This has been the most important thing to her for months. It is more important that anything that I enter the cycle of abuse with her father, than even I am.

It is almost insulting to her that I can maintain healthy boundaries, and stay lucid about how he is crazy and a pervert. Every dissociative bone in her body wants to dive back under the covers on her pervert dad... it scares me that there may not be any Pun intended there.

Of course all of this is just Foreplay to her. The frustration now is that it's not paying off for her.

I keep on her about the cycle of abuse, where in the resolution phase, Nothing is resolved. With battered woman it's all "I didn't hit you that hard"... or You will get over it... or I'm sorry, I swear I'll never do it again.

I commented months ago about how in the "dysfunctional person" vs the "Co-Dependant" relationship. As much as the co-Dependant wants to think that they are managing or controlling the Other person. It's the person who is "Acting out" who plays the music that you dance to. It's that person who Runs the show.

I was reading in the cycle of abuse for abused woman, how the Abuser promises to not abuse any more, and the Abused promises not to leave the Abuser. I realized that it is the Abuser that has the "Abandonment issues". It made it clear as day that what goes on is that she Abuses me, I get irritated, Then we go through the cycle.

It's clear... I'm the abused here.

That one took 15 minutes in a hot shower to ... Process .... I guess really accept that I'm the Battered woman in this relationship. I guess you have to Own it in order to heal from it.

Half the convoluted confused crap that comes out of her is to hide that fact. To make it too hard to discern what actually goes on.


But.... 30 days.... Do I get a 30 day chip or something? But today I was back to my usual routine. Spent an hour emailing with her... Other than that it was all work and regular healthy activity.
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Mae
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Joined: 16 Mar 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 10, 2011 5:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you're aware of this cycle, don't like it, and still engage in it, I would question just how healthy your boundaries are.
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Erico
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Joined: 24 Oct 2010
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 11, 2011 2:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I always appreciate the support Mae.

Please don't confuse sarcasm with dissociation.

Doing what I see is best is the healthiest of boundary. I'd question myself if I did things because some random person on the internet told me to.
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Mae
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Joined: 16 Mar 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 11, 2011 8:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Erico, you have assumed I am confused and that I have seen dissociation in your posts. Both are incorrect.

Perhaps it would be helpful to hear what "support" means to you.

I, for one, find it difficult to hear the circular complaints about your girlfriend and your situation, and not know what you want from her and from the situation.

I suppose I also am unclear on what you want from this forum.
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