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Oprah Special, girlfriend of potential survivor
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Erico
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Joined: 24 Oct 2010
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 4:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

salehope,

that was a solid post. What I started wondering is how much of their recovery is hampered by still being in a relationship. It's kind of like... "they get what they want"... sure they are miserable. But they can sort of act out and use the abuse as a crutch, sometimes an excuse to hurt their family.

What was interesting to me was that the relationship was getting closer, More commitment... but somehow the intimacy both physical and emotional keeps lagging. Honestly, my GF doesn't seem to even know more intimacy is even possible.

I was so angry the other day... I was just amazed. Both overwhelmed and surprised and ... hell I thought it was funny.

I also seem to be realizing that ... it's kind of like the more secure the relationship is... the worse she treats me. I remember her begging me to do some things for her. I got them finished... when it was done she sort of acted entitled and ungrateful... like a princess. I looked her in the eyes with disgust.

I ask "why are you treating me this way"... and I sort of get this unsaid answer.... Because you love me, which means you will let me.

Then she is in for a surprise when I don't.
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Salehope1
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Joined: 27 Dec 2010
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 11:58 pm    Post subject: I think I understand.... Reply with quote

Yes, I think I understand what you're saying. My personal experience is that my ex was/is very egocentric and that his wants, needs, thoughts, feelings were the only thing that mattered. I can't say for sure,but perhaps this is one of the results of being abused????
Maybe due to fear, anger, insecurity, etc.....all that happened and changed these victims....their view on life has also altered. I could post some experiences that I bet you'd grin at and see some common themes.
It's hard to explain, but my ex's attitude has been as if he'd given me enough (materially, emotionally, etc.), now why wasn't I happy??? The closer I asked to be to him, the further he pulled away. Could that be why you're experiencing displeasure from your gf no matter how hard you try or what you do? IDK.
I wish we would've gone to counseling many years ago.
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Erico
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 7:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You reminded me....

In all of this, there has been tons of reflection on my life. I'm in this "Cycle" with her. I continue to choose to be here. My Co-dependence... etc... all of my issues. Whatever they may be.

I found myself happy to try and face my father's physical abuse, My weird uncle and the things he sort of did to my extended family and me. Contemplating the possibility of any repressed memories in myself. Self doubt... etc.

I remember reading a piece about a phase in childhood development when you are sexually curious, even same sex curious at 6 or 7 etc. I grew up in a very rural aria, and I remember a bunch of kids in an old junked out car they were looking... I was looking at dirty magazines. at one point there was some fondling some of the older kids were kind of into it. I though it was strange and took off. Something said to me "this is inappropriate" or disgusting. Now I sort of realize that it's probable that some of the kids had been molested, and were then thinking that this stuff was appropriate with their friends. All in that sexually curious phase, but the older kids sort of taking advantage of the younger ones.

I didn't engage in anything but looking at dirty pictures... but it's interesting what talking about this stuff brings up.

A few months ago, I told my father about how it was a little upsetting that he had enabled our pervert uncle in our lives. How one night when his whole family was staying at our house, He had tormented me on the back of the leg with an unlit cigarette.... After that, I never doubted the stories about him. Figured if he could do that to a 4 or 5 year old... anything was possible.

The pattern seems to be that every time they get one step closer, they have to Retest if you will bail on them. By saying No you wont' take off, the problem is it's a license to steal. I suspect it is how they end up having affairs. It also is starting to feel strange to me that we let them have the excuse of "Oh, this bad thing happened", then let them act out. Forgive them "Oh, it's ok... you were a survivor"

Seems like you get the "All this ugliness happened to me... so I get to act out on the world" type. This is my GF's father for sure, and I know my GF get's in that mode too. The real problem is.... all of this pushes decent people away. I've seen several of my friends go "Boot her... she is awful "

instead of decent people around her, her personality reinforces having bad people around her. Self fulfilling.

it's still an interesting thought, how much "Imperfection" can I stand.

ya... everything I write "How much is for other people, how much is for me" Smile I try and just do it.
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