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Wandering emotions
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nowherewoman
Junior Member
Junior Member


Joined: 16 Nov 2010
Posts: 38

PostPosted: Fri Dec 17, 2010 6:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It is really hard. It's easier now that I finally get it isn't me. I have self esteem issues and if I hadn't finally realized it wasn't me I don't know what I would do. I use to go on my own sprees of trying to be perfect. I never really been a perfectionist, but I would try to be because I believed if I oculd just be a good enough wife he would want me. Even though he was telling me he loved me and he found me attractive I knew he had to be lying to protect my feelings.
Now that I'm more beyond that it still hurts but I no longer deal with it be internally tearing myself apart.
You know my husband is a really sweet guy when he lets down all his guards. He is amazingly sweet and attentive at those times but when he is closed off he is a fortress he can watch the worlds of those he loves crumble around him and not even flinch. It killed me when I didn't understand it was from the abuse. I thought maybe he was actually the mean cold hearted person and the loving man was an act. I wondered if he was cheating, if he was gay all sorts of things and when I could prove any of that or I could disprove that I always came back to me. It was torture.
Don't get me wrong it still sucks when sometimes I touch my husband and he recoiles or moves my hand or ignores me. Or when he seems to be there only because he thinks he has to but understanding is giving me strength.
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aman_brown_16
newbie 1st class
newbie 1st class


Joined: 12 Dec 2010
Posts: 20
Location: Washington State

PostPosted: Sat Dec 18, 2010 10:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's amazing how much better you make me feel. My husband sounds extremely similar to yours! I have hought it was me but I was raised that if he has the problem with me he needs to change or leave, in general speaking terms. I have blamed myself at times when it gets really bad. After a few years of being together i just assumed my husband tured into a complete %@#$ and he tried to push me away but thatwas the abuse speaking, because i do know how much he loves me. And thats what is so frustrating is that at times he is the all around perfect husband and dad. I hope withhelp that starts showing its self more! Because i hae hugging a board or holding a hand thats as hard as a rock!
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nowherewoman
Junior Member
Junior Member


Joined: 16 Nov 2010
Posts: 38

PostPosted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 6:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It is very comforting to find out that you are not alone. It has been good for me to know that my husband is actually like others who had the same type of trauma as him. I really didn't get that at first. It allows me to step away from the blame game and be more forgiving and more excepting. There have been times I have become very resentful and truthfully for us it only makes things worse. So for me just doing better myself seems to relieve certain pressures from him. So over all it is good for everybody.
I have learned not to doubt his love for me as much. I trust that that good guy is the real him. It seems believing in him gives him strength and in turn we are doing better. I have hope in this last year that I didn't have before I started getting healthier myself.
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