Deep Shame & fear- *****Triggering****

[tuliptorn]

My abuser used an animal during the course of the abuse, when I was young.


There I said it. There is more I just cannot access it right now. But it's bothering me, somewhat. My friends have dogs, and I try very hard because it's a part of their life. But...it triggers me. I just learned to push it down. I want to cry about it. I can't. I am afraid to tell my T.
The funny part is, and it's strange I think he killed a bunny either in front of me (which I doubt) or he put one in our driveway - it was winter- and my mother thought she ran over it. Some how this didn't fly with me. I was scared and sad. I was vocally paralyzed, I couldn't tell her what I thought. I could hear him tell me he would kill them too. I don't even know where this came from, I don't even remember my neighbors having a pet.

Man, that memory sucks.
Anyway I need to get over this. Soon.
How do I trust him not to hate/ be disgusted/ pity/ or any other feeling I don't want to face. I can't even look at him, and he is easy on the eyes.
Maybe I should just leave it alone, maybe I'm just sick in the head.
Thank for listening though.
Advice is welcomed.

tt

[Taubah]

sweaty u are not sick in the head. I don't think u should force yourself to face it right now if u don't feel you are quite ready, but don't erase it from yourself, just wait until a later time to bring it up, when u are more comfortable with your therapist.

that is a horrible thing that was done to you, i'm so sorry about it, one day you'll be able to face all the emotions you have and are afraid of, we all will, just don't be too hard on yourself if that day isn't today.


Taubah
_________________
Parched. dry. i run-
across your soul.
the faceless me i chase,
voiceless and untold.
~Taubah

[Lostson]

I’m so sorry for your abuse I too was abused with an animal, a dog. I get triggered by people’s pet dogs too. Especially when they lay on there backs wanting me to rub their bellies. Big time trigger doesn’t even matter if it’s a male dog or not it’s just triggering. Broaching the subject with a therapist is hard I’ve done it with 5 therapists so far. Each time I told it got easier to say the next time. The way I did it was first I told them that this is really hard for me to admit to another person or even to myself. I said when I was 12 David made me do (X) to a dog. I won’t say here so I don’t trigger you. Another thing is I was never called sick, deranged, damaged, pervert or any other bad name. I did have a therapist ask why he used an animal and the only thing I could come up with was it was a new way to humiliate me and degrade me. I don’t even think I qualified as a human to that abuser. However, I’m not saying any of this to pressure you into telling this has just been my experience. If your not ready your not ready don’t rush yourself. Everything can be reviled in time.

[SadSasha]

Hi Tulip really sorry to hear about your experiences

If it makes you feel any better my stepdad also liked to have me play with his dogs. It probably wont, but at least you are not alone I know how feeling alone can make you feel.

I hope u are coping with it ok x

[chzngrl]

It's so hard when partial memories come up, putting all the pieces together comes at it's own pace. When there is a really shame inducing memory like abuse with an animal, it is so hard for us to comprehend that we battle it inisde and the framework gets so fogged. I have memories of dogs being used in rituals with me. It has been a hard thing to release myself from the shame I feel. I have only told two people. Thank you for your bravery, this gave me another avenue to share it again. Each time it is easier. I pray that you will heal from this very sad memory.