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Letter to my abuser

 
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 5:56 am    Post subject: Letter to my abuser Reply with quote

Dear Karl,

It has taken me a little over thirty years to have the nerve to write this letter to you. Yet, it is probably the third or fourth time that I have sat alone with my thoughts and actually try to articulate all that I feel I need to tell you. You gave me something to carry 31 years ago. My heart has been burdened for 31 years by your selfish actions which left me with no clue how to carry this load or the emotions that come along with keeping a vile secret. I may never give you this letter; then again, the opportunity hasnít exactly presented itself in the 31 years Iíve been carrying this burden or the 20+ years since you left New York for good. I am not sure if Iíll ever have the opportunity to tell you what is in this letter but I know it has to get out of me in order for me to move on because I think the time is long overdue and I have to let this go- for me. I chose this medium of communication because I doubt that there will ever come a time when I will be alone with you face to face to unload all that I need to unload in the privacy in which I would like for this to be done. Not so much because I donít want to let our YOUR secret but more so because I am not sure how others will handle what it is I have to say. Iíve grown stronger in the sense that I really couldnít care less what others think because they have never walked in my shoes but I am quite sure the label the suits you is not the label you wish for others to know you by at this time or ever.
You may not even remember or choose to remember that you abused meÖbut I know, God knows and your soul knows it happened. I never forgot Karl. I remember everything. I remember the very first time you took your penis out of your pants and told me to kiss its head. I remember the first time you turned me around in your room, on the bottom bunk as your rubbed your penis between my closed legs. I remember staring at Samantha the duck- wishing I could trade places with her so I could fly away in that instant. You only stopped after finally ejaculating into a pair of briefs you had next to you. I remember the confused state in which you left me after each encounter because a part of me wanted to hate you for it yet my body enjoyed it. It is only through therapy and listening to other survivors did I realize that my reaction was more normal than abnormal. I didnít feel less disgusted or weird because how could such a terrible secret feel as good as it felt to me at the time. I was SIX YEARS OLD. How, and what in your thought pattern made it okay for you to sexually violate a 6 year old little girl. You stole my innocence that day and continued to do so on numerous occasions. I remember the day I was taking a nap- again on the bottom bunk, your mother was baking a cake and I just licked the bowl before laying down, you came home from where ever you went and climbed in the bunk behind me and again rubbed your penis between my legs. I laid there pretending to be asleep hoping that maybe doing so would make you disinterested. It didnít work. I should have NEVER known what a penis was at that time let alone what one looked or smelled like. I recall a time when we were in the basement, and you violated me behind the bar- trying to penetrate me but couldnít because my body just couldnít accommodate you. I remember looking at the guppies on the right side of the couch in the basement of 74 Stanhope Street, while your mother was putting away groceries in the extra freezer in the basement and she went upstairs to take a call, and you just couldnít resist getting yet another feel. I wondered for years what about me made me so special that you violated me in this manner over and over and over again. I wondered if it was normal and if you did this to any of our other cousins or was I singled out for some odd reason. How could you do that to me? I WAS SIX YEARS OLD!!! I canít remember any more specifics- I think God is being kind to me by only allowing me to remember the ones Iíve mentionedÖbut Iím sure there were more. You even did this while Marilyn was pregnant with Jennifer. Knowing you were soon to have a child of your own, how the hell could you hurt me? For years I kept this secret because I couldnít understand if I in some way said or did anything to deserve how you treated me. But how does a six year old seduce a 15 year old? Because of you I became sexually aware at a very early age. I didnít have normal crushes at 8 because you stole that innocence. I wondered, if I was alone with Gilbert (Marilynís brother), would he do what you did? Did I want him to do what you did? That should have never even been a thought in my head. Why no one noticed is still hard for me to believe. No one noticed how withdrawn or quiet I became when you came around. No one realized how much I clung to BetsyÖonly thinking that I loved her so much I just wanted to be around her all the time. While that was mostly true, the other side to that was I was TERRIFIED of being left with you and what youíd do to me if we were ever alone for any extended period of time. I was so happy when David came to visit because you were too occupied to mess with me.
The abuse finally came to an end when you were sent to the Navy. For years I tried to pretend that what you did never happened. I never spoke a word of the abuse to anyone for years. Not my mom, not my dad, not Betsy, not Grandma- no one knew. I became very sexually conscious at an early age. I equated love and attention to sex and if a boy didnít want to go as fast as I wanted to take things, I lost interest. Mom finally realized something was off because I was rebelling in other ways too. She took me to a therapist that totally misconstrued everything I said and made me out to be an even bigger liar than I had become at that point. I wasnít really lying more than I was omitting truths and making up stories to protect myself. Only I knew this was the case so when the therapist mentioned to her that I may have been abused, naturally it was easy to disbelieve me. After that, I became the master of lying and deception. I started burying your secret even deeper. All the while, destroying myself and losing myself to this other being that was taking over every day until that little girl you destroyed was finally barely a memoryÖreplaced by this teen and young adult who was on a mission to destroy herself in just about every way possible.

I thought I was finally safe in 1994 when I met a man who later became my fiancť. Yet, it was still an extension of the destruction you created. I had so many warning signs that this was not a man I should have been involved with but because I was so screwed up in my thinking and perception, I thought he was Mr. Wonderful and regardless of what happened, I dug my heels in because I convinced myself this man was the only man who was going to love me because I opened up to him- all my secrets that I carried around for years I laid on the table and he accepted me. He accepted me because he found someone who was vulnerable and therefore gullible and easy to manipulate. For over 8 years I stayed in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship because I felt I truly had found the best I was ever going to get. You destroyed my self esteem before it had a chance to begin and for years I carried that feeling of worthlessness with me. No one understood why someone like me who was smart and considered to be beautiful on the outside could see so little of that in herself. YOU DID THIS! I allowed men to use me for my entire adolescent and early adulthood years because you destroyed my self worth. When that man decided he was done using me he put me out of his house. Do you know what I did in response? I tried to kill myself. I took what I later found out was 25-30 sleeping pills. All I remember was feeling my spirit leave my body and how no one could hurt me anymore. It felt good and scary because I realized there was no coming back from this action. When the attempt failed, Betsy, my parents and Grandma were the only ones there for me. Even after all of this, I still went back to him, thinking I could do things differently to salvage the relationship. You see- I thought the problem was ME! I took the blame for everything. You made me into this woman. But that stops today. You no longer can have that ownership of me. You have kept me your victim for 31 years. Today, I take back all the power you ever had over me.
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