Joined: 18 Oct 2010
|Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 7:08 pm Post subject: Getting it out
I am new here and fairly new on the internet. I must say I am finding the internet a really good place to start opening up about my abuse experiences. Some things are just terrible to say out loud so this is really good thanks for having this forum. Sorry if this is triggering for anyone.
My natural dad died of heart attack before I was born. All my life I remember my mom as a drinker, I dont know if my dad dying had something to do with this. She would pass out on the couch often, and often pee herself. She would often go out and leave me on my own which was terrifying. Then she would come back completely drunk and scream and shout then pass out. I remember she had a lot of men through the house while I was a young child. Life was always chaos with drunk screaming and shouting. One of the men started coming round regularly and I remember him being around more and more until he was there most of the time. He told me to call him dad, I think he paid most of the bills and stuff because when he started coming the house was a bit less chaotic. Him and his dog, an ugly little dog.
G was mostly nice to me which I latched onto. Mom would still go out and get drunk sometimes he would go with her, sometimes he would stay at the house.
I dont remember exactly how this all started I just remember that it became teh normal thing we did. I can remember being pleased of the attention. I can remember that somehow this was my idea, and that he was keeping my secret from my mom because he loved me. Reading on the forum I can see this is a thing that these men do.
Sorry if this is triggering for some people.
I remember being pleased when he showed me the collar he had brought for me. The earliest thing I remember is being in my room with him and his dog on my bed. Its mostly dark. He is sitting on the edge of my bed telling me I am good etc while the dog is between my legs licking me. I can remember it tickled and closing my legs and him opening them and telling me that I should keep them open or something like that.
I can remember a time around that time when I was on my own with him and he was telling me not to worry that he wont tell my mom. I remember being really upset by this and hoping he didnt tell her. He didnt mind playing my favorite game, but whatever I do dont tell my mom because she will get real mad at me for doing this. I liked his attention and I didnt want my mom to get mad at me. She would think I was dirty for doing it. So I would play my favorite game whenever he wanted.
I moved in with a guy when I was 17 and I was I think about 6 or 7 when G started coming to the house. At 14 or 15 at school I started to figure out that what was going on with G was not normal. I remember talking to a school friend about sex with animals and she said it was horrible and dirty. So then I was horrible and dirty for playing this game. But even then through habit and not knowing how to get out of this situation when G would be alone with me he would say you want to play your game dont you. Ok go and get your collar or something like that, and I would just go and do what he said even tho by that time I didnt really want to do this any more.
I will write more later.