Joined: 11 Aug 2010
|Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2010 10:04 pm Post subject: stollen innocence..
|i was inspired by all of you who have shared your story here..
anyhow this is how it all started. from what i remember i was 8 at that time. my family moved into a new house and he(my cousin) moved in with us at that time because he wanted to attend a college near my house. we have a big age gap. i think he was about 20 or 21. before that we were really close. i trusted him like any child would when showered with love and attention. In everyone's eyes he was a real good guy, soft spoken, very respectful and just what any parents would want in their child. so everyone liked him including me. so shifted into the new house. it was quite small so the house just had 2 rooms. my parents were in one room while me, my brother and he were in another room together. my brother's and my bed was just side by side while his was right opposite mine.
well i don't know when it started exactly but the first memory i had of it was when one day i don't know whether it was by his choice or mine i shared the same bed with him. It was all very innocent. I mean i have shared beds with my mum, brother and my dad and you know when we are in bed we just sleep. that's all i knew about being in bed. i liked to hug or wrap my legs around the person that i'm sleeping with. which is something that i always did when slept in the same bed as any of my family members. my brother he used to hate it when i do that. he would take his bolster and whack me with it so that i would quit snuggling towards him. see it was all very innocent. i love my brother a lot he's a good guy. my brother was around 12 at that time. my parents didn't mind it either because who would have thought he had paedophilic thoughts. they also thought it was all very innocent. so yeah i slept with him in the same bed...then i woke up suddenly feeling like somebody was doing something on me. i woke up to see him on top of me licking my you know.. i immediately felt like it was wrong but the thought was all like its my fault. it just felt very wrong but i was sleepy and confused all at once i didn't understand a thing he was doing to me. he made me do stuff to his down area.. that's all i remember about the first time it happened. it was very dark and he did it very quietly, my brother was fast asleep didn't know what was going on to his little sister.
other memories remain vague but i remember him trying to kiss me with his tongue and all. disgusting..and i clenched my teeth so hard so that his tongue wouldn't enter my tongue..and he also made me lick his dirty feet an awful lot. all the time it happened it was very dark in my room and he made sure that my brother was in deep sleep... i didn't like what he did and always refused to do stuff with him but he would somehow forcefully make me do it..and it made me very sexual at a very early age making me feel very awkward with myself and just hating myself for being a very bad girl. all the while i never thought it was his fault only mine. it was like he never spoke about it but he somehow manage to manipulate everything to make it seem like it was all my fault.i remember once being afraid that i might get pregnant. because in my childish mind i thought even kissing could cause a girl to be pregnant. silly me. but through out it all i don't remember him penetrating me. i think he just never got the chance because it would be painful and that would cause me to make noise and that can wake my brother up. so he never tried it i believe..or did i just block it or something i don't know but i don't think he he did it..
it lasted for about 2 years.. then he had some problems he moved out of my house but his family then shifted near to my house..so whenever my family visited his family( which is very often) i had to see that piece of #*$#'s face.. i didn't want to talk to him. his sisters ask me why i just shoke my head didn't tell them why..he asked me but i didn't even dare look at his face. i was so ashamed of myself.. after all i thought it was all my fault.
years followed and i became very withdrawn from my parents. i have a wonderful family but because i was consumed by so much guilt,shame and pain i couldn't speak to them including my brother..they asked me why i'm so quite but i just stayed silent. they just started assuming i'm a very quite child when i'm not. in school i had tonnes of fun, i was wacky and loud and did well in school and it became my escape route. i never wanted to miss a day of school. i felt like myself in school.
but when i came back home the pain started all over again and would just cry and cry myself to sleep everyday.and oh i just hated the times when i had to go to his house. seeing him act like a good guy and like nothing happened made me sick.i would just sit quietly at a corner and not speak to anyone. my brother notices this and asks me why but i would just say nothing..
so this went on for a few years and about 4 months ago i was so angry and mad at him that i just wanted to know how and why he did that to me. the pain i felt was agonizing. i was in hysterics many times from the pain i felt. so i got his number from my dad's hand phone and texted him asking why he did it to me. i was shaking when i did it. it was so scary. he said that it was his age and that i am suppose to marry him rightfully according to family tradition that no one in my family or his family cares about. it was long forgotten even by my granparents.. and he told me that crap and he said that he wanted to marry ME!!! OMG!!! i was so so disgusted with him..uugghhh.. you would molest an 8 year old girl because you thought she is suppose to marry you!! which planet are you from?!? friggin MARS!!! I was so disgusted that i gave him a piece of my mind and he got all indignant about it saying that i have no right to call him an idiot. that's the only bad word i used. i didn't even say #$$%..i was tempted to but no i didn't want to be too vulgar.. i'm not him..he's freakin married with a child and he said he wanted to marry me.. isn't he just #$$% up..what a crazy %@#$..anyhow he got a bit scared after that but he can still act like a good guy in front of others. uughhhh!! my parents would bring me to his house every other weekend because they feel like i should start talking to him or something i mean like a brother sister kinda relationship..my parents think he's great and always talk about what a good role model he is..at that time i just want to close my ears with something..
i still go to his house having no choice and have been thinking of telling my brother but he's not in a good situation now. he's just broke up with his girlfriend and is very sad about it and just today he told me that he didn't do well for his exam and things have been really bad for him lately so i don't want to burden him with anymore difficult things..i might tell him but not now i guess.. when it all gets better for him i might tell him.. i'm 19 now and i hope that i'll be able to have the courage to tell him soon...
but one thing is that knowing why he did it to me even though it was for the stupidest most absurd reason in the world it has liberated me in a way. i cried like crazy when i first read what he sent me.. but now i don't cry about it anymore.. it made me realize that most of the pain came from the betrayal of trust and not knowing how he could have done that to me. now i know why he did it..it was stupid but i freed me from a lot of pain..right now i'm just dealing with the shame from what he did. not being able to talk about it and all.. but i can deal with it now..finding this forum also answered many of my questions.. so i'm healing i guess.. nope i'm not seeing a therapist but i want to heal.. i'm taking it one step at a time,, i have a very loving family.. i will never tell my parents.. i just can't..but i'm going to live with the love that they give me..
i know this story is long but i just wanted to pour everything out..there were more things that happened and more things to happen. just am going to pray for strength. i didn't believe and hated god for a long time.. but am starting to feel that i need god for strength.. i totally understand if some of you here might not believe in god. it takes time and certain things to happen in life to get that trust in god back.. anyway i'm so amazed by some of the survivors here who have gone through worse situations than me.. i only can admire you people for your strength..keep going on and don't give up the fight.. none of you are alone in this..