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shameful scars

 
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llr
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Joined: 28 Jul 2010
Posts: 1

PostPosted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 3:20 am    Post subject: shameful scars Reply with quote

I went to the doctor a few years ago for a checkup. I walked into the room whole and innocent, and I left empty and scarred. What happened in that room made me feel dirty and incomplete. Like a part of me had been taken away. I remember telling myself that what had happened was normal... that doctors do "that kind of thing." I let myself believe that lie for years, until I came face to face with the truth.
I never knew why I was so afraid of my doctor and other men. I always got this nauseous feeling whenever I was around men, especailly strangers. I always thought that I was just being silly, that my stomach was just weak all the time. After starting therapy for other reasons, I realized that my struggles today all stem from the abuse six years ago... not the house fire we recently experienced. I can honestly say I have successfully worked through the house fire trauma. Yes, fire is still my enemy, but my most recent focus has been on the abuse, against my will.
My counselor doesn't seem to understand. No on understands. It makes me feel so worthless and inadequate. Like I don't exist. Oh, how I long to be free from the past. I don't want my past to continue to control my future as it has so far. I want to be normal. I'm tired of wearing the mask of happiness and innocence. I feel so dirty and guilty. I should have been able to stop that monster. I should have done something about it.
To deal with all of this, I cut myself. I've been cutting for about two years now, and I hate it. It is the only thing that brings me instant relief, though. I was anorexic for a short period in my life, and bulimia has also been a struggle. I want control. OCD has also developed, and with all these diagnoses, I feel like a complete failure. No one could possibly be as hopeless as I am. I am just the worst.
Oh, and the title of this site... some of the members must be survivors. I don't completely understand that. I'm a victim. I'm not a survivor because I have not overcome. What a loser I am.
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