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Compulsive liar... :(

 
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aurelie
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Joined: 14 Feb 2010
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 5:22 am    Post subject: Compulsive liar... :( Reply with quote

I don't know how to deal with it... I tend to lie in the most ridiculous things, just to please my friends and family. This happen more often with my best friend. He's nice to me, but sometimes I think he tries too hard to reach perfection, he wants me to do things his way and I feel I cannot do that.

For instance, we're working on our thesis together and if I had a bad day and didn't work in it at all, I would lie and say I did, or that I had to to this things and lie and lie about stupid things instead of just saying: -I didn't work because I didn't want to work today- and that's it.

And the other day, I downloaded this music to his computer I wanted him to hear so badly. He was mad at me for downloading songs without his permission (he says I could have dowloaded a virus) and he ask me to delete them. Instead of doing so, I moved them to his folders (he sepparates his music) and added them to his iTunes. He noticed the music wasn't in the 'downloads' folder and asked me about it. I told him I had deleted it!!!
Why would I do that?? I don't understand...

Of course he found out and was furious, he told me I had no right to do that kind of stuff and now he says he feels he cannot trust me cuz I lie even for the most small things. I knew I was doing wrong but I cannot control myself.

I also know this may not be a big deal to many people but it's consuming my life. I have to hide and lie all the time to feel safe, to please people, to the point that the people I love and care would not trust my words anymore because they caught me lying about the simplest things and now they don't believe me when I'm telling the truth ='(

How can I explain to him what happens with me if I don't even know why do I do this?? Please tell me why do we get used to lie all the time, I don't know why I act this way.

I also want to tell him about my story of being abused but I'm afraid he wouldn't believe me... And also, he told me he was abused when he was a teenager but he didn't want to give me much details. He said that's the reason why he likes boys, and I believe he feels some guilt for that. He wouldn't speak about him being gay a lot, and sometimes even seems that he has sort of homophobic attitudes... I'd like to know why this could be happening? I don't know how to help him with that... Please any advice =(
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ivonne
Posting Freak
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Joined: 09 Jun 2004
Posts: 5874
Location: the netherlands

PostPosted: Wed Feb 24, 2010 1:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lying is a difficult addiction to break. At the moment when you are lying it seems to work. The thing that you fear, be it rejection, feeling like you failed or have let someone down, doesn't happen at the moment when your lie is believed. That's how it becomes a habit.

Aside from the things you mentioned, are there many lies that you've told that you have gotten away with? That's what makes it such a hard habit to break. After all, sometimes it seems to work. Aside from the feelings of guilt of course, and always being on edge about getting caught.

There really isn't any other way to break the habit than going cold turkey. Whenever you find yourself on the edge of lying, or over it, backpaddle and tell the truth, even about the lies you've told. This is fiendishly hard to do, but I believe it's the only way.

One thing I can tell you is: You're not a bad person, you're really just trying too hard to make everyone happy.

Ivonne
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we see them as we are.
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aurelie
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Joined: 14 Feb 2010
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 12, 2010 9:10 am    Post subject: Thanks... Reply with quote

Thanks for taking the time to answer me... I've been trying to figure out a way to stop this. It's a long journey... =(
I don't usually get caught, that's what keeps going through my head.. That I'm so used to lie, that I could do it right to anybody's face and they wouldn't notice. I can't stand it anymore. I keep pretending I'm happy, I'm normal, I can feel something but pain and fear.

I feel sometimes that everything in my life is a lie...
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ivonne
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Joined: 09 Jun 2004
Posts: 5874
Location: the netherlands

PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2010 10:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sounds like you have very little to loose, why not try to just go cold turkey. Refuse to lie even if it seems handydandy to use a little white lie.

Catch yourself at it, make a sport of it.

Promise yourself to be true to yourself and things will start to feel more real because you're being more real.

good luck
Ivonne
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We dont see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
-Anas Nin
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